


What's mine is yours to make your own

by Samcgrath



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angry Sex, Angst, Estrangement, Famous Harry, Happy Ending, Jealousy, Louis and Nick try not to kill each other, M/M, Niall loves Tommo, Pining, Unresolved Sexual Tension, like shit ton of pining, now they hate each other, semi-famous Louis, they do things against walls, they were best mates, well it's complicated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-15
Updated: 2014-06-28
Packaged: 2018-01-24 23:21:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 75,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1620632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samcgrath/pseuds/Samcgrath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry is a famous pop-star touring all around the world except England because London is where Louis is. And Louis keeps his eyes on the ground while walking because a familiar face stares at him from billboards, reminding him of what he's lost and Harry's someone he doesn't want to think about. They hate each other because of the past they share but no one can keep running forever.</p><p>Featuring Liam and Niall as the best bandmates ever and Zayn as the best mate in the world who makes Louis eat plants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Will you, won't you be the one I'll always know?

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own One Direction, neither am I profiting from this. It's not real, just a figment of my imagination. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I write. Nothing more, nothing less.
> 
> Second, this is unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. Please let me know what you think. 
> 
> PS: Title from Look After You by The Fray

He’s never going to let it get to him, the familiar face staring at him from billboards and the name being repeated by everyone over and over. He’s not.

 

And it’s not familiar anymore. It used to be.

 

Ages ago. Now it’s just a sad reminder of things he had but couldn’t keep. His mum looks at him sadly sometimes when she’s in London and a photo shows up on the front page of the paper. He smiles at her politely and leaves the room. Louis knows she worries but he can’t convince her to stop worrying. He’s always been a shit liar.

 

***

 

The room is spinning around him, the music is too loud and the drink in his hand is not fruity enough. He sits down on the sofa – the stupid tights he had worn to dress up as an elf are tight and itchy – and takes a big gulp of the bitter drink. 

 

He’s surrounded by unfamiliar faces, some of them he’s seen in the papers but most of them are just strangers. He feels a hand on his thigh and looks over to find a girl dressed up in a skimpy Santa suit staring at him. He smiles politely before excusing himself and walking toward the stairs.

 

“Harry! Hold on.”

 

Liam rushes over to him and takes the empty glass out of his hand. 

 

“You alright, mate?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

 

“You’re not—what’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing, Li. I’m fine.”

 

“Do you want to go back, we can—“

 

“No, you should stay and have fun, it's Christmas Eve. I’m just going to walk to the hotel.”

 

“You shouldn’t go alone, I’ll get Niall then we can all get out of here.”

 

“Liam, you don’t have—“

 

“This party is too crowded anyway. Grimmy’s passed out upstairs, he has to fly back to London tomorrow.”

 

“Is he alright?”

 

“Yeah, Corden’s with him. They’ll be fine.”

 

“Alright, I’m just gonna—“

 

“Did you meet anyone?”

 

“No, no I didn’t.”

 

“What about that bloke who was chatting to you on the balcony?”

 

His eyes weren’t blue enough, he thinks.

 

“We were just talking.”

 

“Harry, you have to move on. You can’t—“

 

“Goodnight, Liam.”

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shall I post the rest? Is it any good?


	2. Harry - I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the story starts in the past and it will be in a chronological order from here on out.

“Summer lovin’ had me a—Motherfuckin--jesus fuck!”

 

“LOUIS!”

 

“Sorry, mum!”

 

He can’t help the seal bark laughter that escapes his lips before he can stop, he’s lying on the floor with his hands clutching his belly when he sees bare feet padding into the room in his upside down vision. They stop very close to his face and he looks up to find Louis standing there with a towel around his waist and a very unimpressed look on his face, even upside down Harry could see that.

 

“Would you grow up? What are you, seven?”

 

“No, but it was still funny. Summer lovin’ had—“

 

Before he can finish the sentence, he feels a foot digging into his side and well he’s ticklish so the words die on his tongue.

 

“Have you quite finished?”

 

He raises his hands in surrender and quietens down as Louis turns around and walks over to his wardrobe to find clothes. Harry slowly gets up and sits down on the bed waiting for Louis to finish up, when a loud set of footsteps rushes up the stairs,

 

“Louis William Tomlinson, we’ve got four young girls in this house, what makes you think swearing loudly in the bathroom is okay?”

 

“Sorry mum, I stubbed my toe on the—“

 

“That doesn’t mean you’ll curse up a storm. First with your off-key singing—“

 

He tries to hide the sniggering behind his hand but Mrs. Tomlinson stops talking anyway and turns towards the bed.

 

“Harry, I didn’t know you were here. Can you teach him some manners while you are?”

 

“I was just—“

 

“You always liked him better anyways! I’ll see how he copes when the stupid shampoo bottle falls on his foot and nearly paralyzes him.”

 

At this point, Louis is angrily pulling a shirt over his head and mumbling while his mum and Harry look on silently. 

 

“Why the frick is this shirt so tight, what the—“

 

Loud peals of laughter sound in the room as they both try to hold back but Louis standing in front of the wardrobe in a bright pink top with unicorns on the front with his hair sticking up angrily is quite a funny sight. 

 

“That’s Lottie’s, that’s her—“

 

“Yes, I gathered that. Thank you, Mother.”

 

He rips the shirt off and flings it to the bed before stomping his way toward the bathroom muttering about traitor best mates and unloving mothers. Jay shakes her head while walking to the bed to pick up Lottie’s top that’s ended up on the lamp somehow.

 

“Staying for dinner, Harry?”

 

“No, we’re actually going over to Stan’s. He’s got the house to himself so we’ll probably stay the night?”

 

She looks at him for a second as if deciding whether she's going to let Louis go or not.

 

“Don’t do anything stupid.”

 

“I would never.”

 

She smiles at him before walking back down the stairs. He plops down onto the bed, listening to Louis’ hair dryer humming in the bathroom. 

 

“You traitor! You’re supposed to be on my side, not laugh at my expense.”

 

He sounds upset but Harry knows Louis’ never really mad at him. He sits up slowly with his back to the headrest watching Louis put on his glasses and looking for his shoes under the bed.

 

“I got her to agree to staying over at Stan’s.”

 

Louis’ head pops up from under the bed to smile at him, he can’t help but smile back. He’s quite helpless really, to do anything but smile back when Louis looks at him like that. He’s always been helpless since the first day.

 

“I knew I keep you around for a reason, Harold!”

 

“Is that it then? You keep me around to manipulate your mum?”

 

“Also for free meals but mostly yeah.”

 

He winks before ducking back down to look for his shoes completely unaware of the little butterflies Harry’s got in his belly from that stupid wink. They finally make their way downstairs after Louis has looked at himself in the mirror from every angle possible. 

 

Harry keeps telling him he looks good but Louis ignores him saying he’s a kid and doesn’t know anything about style. 

 

“Mum, we’re off!”

 

“Alright, be safe boys!”

 

“Bye Mum.”

 

***

 

Harry stays quiet on the way, still feeling angry about Louis calling him a baby. This isn’t the first time but lately he’s been getting very irritated whenever Louis mentions their age difference. He tries to hide it but like Louis says, he’s a shit actor and especially in front of Louis.

 

“Y’know if you’re done sulking by yourself, maybe you can tell me what’s gotten you to pout like a baby?”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Seriously, Haz what’s it?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Some poor bloke in a NASA spaceship can probably see that pout you’ve got on your face. So don’t tell me it’s nothing.”

 

“I’m just thinking about you being off to uni.”

 

“What's there to think about? I’ll go warm up the place for you, get a flat maybe and then you’ll join me when your're done here."

 

“You think?”

 

“Haven’t we always said we were going together?”

 

“Yeah, but--”

 

“I don’t want to talk about school anyway. Tonight, we’re going to get drunk and have fun.”

 

He nods his head and follows Louis like he always does, seconds later he’s being pulled into a hug while Louis keeps walking and drags him along. He’s almost as tall as Louis now, maybe even an inch taller but it’s still as easy as ever to tuck himself to Lou’s side and feel the warmth wash him over.

 

Loud music can be heard from two streets away and they both look at each other before running toward Stan’s to see who could get there first. Louis plays footie at school and runs laps everyday while Harry sits at the sidelines reading so no surprise that Louis outruns him within seconds. When he does finally get to the door, Louis’ standing there leaning against the doorway with a huge smirk on his face,

 

“My Nan could run faster than you!”

 

“Shut up. And I’ve seen her, she’s quite healthy. She could outrun a lot of people.”

 

“Aww, aren’t you just the sweetest young man! C’mon, let’s go in.”

 

Before he can say anything else, Louis pulls an arm around his shoulders and barges through the door dragging Harry behind him. The lobby is overflowing with people, almost everyone looks drunk and most of them are moving along to the fast-paced music. They find Stan in a corner of the lobby with his lips attached to a girl, Louis taps him on his shoulder despite Harry’s protests that they should be left alone. 

 

Stan turns around looking ready to start cursing but when he sees Louis standing there, he laughs and pulls him into a hug. Five minutes later, they’re both standing in Stan’s room with beers in hand and waiting for Stan to get back. Apparently, he had been waiting for Louis and Harry to start a game.

 

“I bet he wants to play spin the bottle, that pervert!”

 

“No, I think he’d want to play--”

 

“He’s sick, Harold. I know it, he’s been wanting to kiss Gemma for ages. You’ll see.”

 

As if on cue, Stan walks in closely followed by Gemma and a bunch of other people. Louis stares at him unimpressed while Harry just stands there confused. Less than a minute later, they’re sitting around in a circle spinning an empty beer bottle. 

 

“What did I tell you?”

 

Louis whispers in his ear and Harry clenches his fists when the hot air blows over his ear and he wants to lean into the contact. With everyone half-drunk, he isn’t sure they’d even notice.

 

“What? Are you okay?”

 

His eyes slip closed as Louis leans in even closer and rests his hand on his thigh. Why is this happening to him?

 

“Haz, are you--”

 

“Oi, lovebirds! You need to move, can’t have you two whispering to each other the whole time.”

 

He stares down at the floor, trying to hide his blush as everyone is looking at Louis and him and waiting for them to move. Louis sighs loudly and crawls on his hands and knees to go sit between Stan and Aiden. He winks at Harry just as Stan spins the bottle. At this rate, Harry thinks he’s not going to make it through the night.

 

About half an hour later, everyone’s drunk and the ground is littered with empty bottles but they still insist on keep playing. Louis is absolutely plastered from the looks of it and Harry wants to tell him to stop but his own mind is a little hazy at the moment. Before he can get himself to even lift his head, a loud holler interrupts his frantic blinking.

 

“You don’t have to--”

 

“Oh yes, I do. You insist on kissing her every turn so now I’m going to, too.”

 

Louis is crawling on his hands and knees while Stan tries to hold him back. It takes Harry a moment to realize that what’s playing out in front of him is Stan trying to stop Louis from snogging Gemma, who herself is watching the commotion play out with a smirk on her face.

 

Harry doesn’t know what to do, his limbs are frozen as he watches Lou move toward his sister.

 

“Stan, you pervert get off me!”

 

“She’s like your sister, Louis, why are--”

 

“Who the fuck told you that?”

 

“You said so--”

 

“This is a game and I take this game seriously.”

 

It’s like a slow-motion scene playing out in front of his eyes. His best mate, his -- the person he likes, struggling physically and fighting off his mate to get to his sister so he can snog her.

 

He forces down the bile rising at the back of his throat and takes a huge gulp from his bottle. Louis finally gets out of Stan’s grip and launches himself at Gemma. She is giggling while Louis tries to find his balance. It’s short but Louis does plant his lips on Gemma’s and in that one instant, Harry feels his heart drop in his chest.

 

But he’s been pretending for long enough to be able to hide his emotions from showing up on his face. He stays where he is and plasters a fake smile on his lips.

 

Louis settles back in place, Stan grumbling next to him about bad mates while everyone else laughs at his sour face. He should get up, he should leave but he’s never going to leave without Louis so why even bother, when Louis’ having the time of his life.

 

He’s pretty much logged out of the game and what’s happening around him, the pleasant buzz of intoxication taking over conscious thoughts and actions. At some point Jane from Chemistry spins the bottle to land on him and he plants a chaste kiss on her lips and she’s been sneaking glances at him ever since. Harry doesn’t have the heart to tell her he’s never going to be able to return her affections.

 

It all comes to a head when the bottle points to him once again. Louis had spun it.

 

It’s like everything comes stuttering to a stop as Harry stares at the bottle. When he looks up, he finds Louis looking at him with wide eyes.

 

His heart is pounding in his chest, threatening to beat out of his skin as Louis sits still in his place. 

 

When he had imagined Louis kissing him for the first time, it wasn’t in Stan’s room surrounded by drunken teenagers and in a game of spin the bottle. After every dream he’s had about Louis, and every time he held back this is not what he wants. 

 

But then he also needs to feel Louis’ lips on his own. To share his air between their mouths and touch his skin. To feel him close to his body, like he’s been dying to.

 

Stan is yelling at Louis to get on with it and Harry would like to punch him into silence, but then Louis is slowly crawling toward him. His eyes are guarded as if asking Harry if this is alright. His own breath is stuttering, lips wobbling and he hopes his face tells Louis just how much he wants this.

 

After agonizing moments of sitting still and waiting, he finally feels Louis’ breath on his cheeks, his heat floating through the distance between them. Harry thinks he might die from the anticipation, almost pulls Louis in with a hand on his neck.

 

The second his eyes slip closed Louis leans in more but instead of feeling his lips on his, Harry feels a wetness on his forehead.  
Louis presses his lips against his skin, his hand warm on Harry’s cheek and pulls back.

 

Everyone is silent around them, Harry feels numb.

 

Louis is settling back into his seat a second later. No one says anything as Stan spins the bottle.

 

He lowers his gaze to the floor, hand clutching his beer. He can’t feel his face right now, can’t look up and meet anyone’s eyes even though he can feel Louis’s eyes on him. Errant thoughts run through his hazy mind as the beer burns his throat, nothing feels right.

 

The game goes on, he doesn’t lift his eyes as the voices in his head keep whispering things to him.

 

‘He doesn’t want you. You’re a baby. Wants your sister. Well, she’s not a baby. Of course he does.’

 

He’s trying so hard to not listen but even amidst the screaming and yelling of drunk people around him, he can hear it all as it pierces through every last shred of sanity he has left.

 

‘Just give up, Harry. He doesn’t care that you keep following him around like a loyal pet.’

 

Louis is still staring at him, he can feel the gaze burning into the side of his face. But he can’t bring himself to look back, not yet.

 

‘Couldn’t even bring himself to kiss you in a stupid game. And he’s plastered. Still doesn’t want to kiss you.’

 

That’s it.

 

That’s all he can take. He stumbles around for a second trying to find his balance, before he turns his back on the circle and walks out of the room. He can hear voices behind him asking what’s wrong but he keeps walking, keeps going till he gets to the front door.

 

He’s left the bottle somewhere, doesn’t remember it. The wind is cold against his skin as he wobbles a little to get around the cars parked in front of the house. He hears Louis calling behind him but his drunk mind doesn’t comprehend it for what it is.

 

‘You’re so stupid, hearing his voice in your head now. He’s not following you, he would never.’

 

And he’s so sure that Louis would never follow him, would never care enough that he convinces himself it’s in his head. Maybe that’s why he’s startled when he feels a hand gripping his arm from behind and turning him around forcefully. 

 

“Where the fuck are you going?”

 

He sees worried eyes directed at him, the hand still clutching his arm tightly. He pulls his hand back and tries to turn around but Louis jumps in his way.

 

“Harry, what’s wrong? Can you at least talk to me?”

 

He doesn’t want to because he knows the moment he gives Louis a chance, he’s going to fall back into the endless cycle of forgiving him for everything and forgetting every time he got hurt inadvertently.

 

“Is this about the kiss? I knew it was a bad idea, I should never have--”

 

“You didn’t.”

 

“--played that game or kissed yo--what?”

 

“You didn’t. Kiss me.”

 

“Is--what, why are you mad at me?”

 

“I’m not. I’m just not feeling well, I’ll see you later.”

 

“Haz, don’t--”

 

“I’m feeling sick. Good night.”

 

“I didn’t want to take advantage of you while you were drunk. You mean too much.”

 

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

He doesn’t turn around to check if Louis’ still there. Tears are streaming down his face as he rushes toward his house, every trace of drunkenness gone. Louis’ worried face haunts him as he lies awake in bed. He never wants Louis to look like that, but he also knows that after ten years of selflessly giving himself over to Louis, he’s gotten hurt enough times to last a lifetime.

 

Louis would never hurt him knowingly, he’d never forgive himself if he knew he was hurting Harry. But even unintentionally, Harry knows he can only last so long carrying around this heavy weight with him.

 

He’s in love with Louis.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anyone reading this thing?


	3. Harry - II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So these chapters are coming way faster than I planned on uploading but I'm only posting the early ones to set a base-line for the story. And I'm writing this really fast so it won't be long anyway!

He's in love with Louis.

 

Has been for years now, even before he knew what the word meant. Ever since the day Louis found him at Tesco’s crying in the cereal aisle because he’d lost his mum.

 

He’d sat down next to Harry and made him laugh with his jokes, and that’s how his mum had found him - on the floor with his head in Louis’ lap, laughing through the tear tracks on his cheeks. And everyday after that, Louis has been there to protect him and make him laugh and just there. Harry can’t think of a time when he wasn’t there.

 

At some point in the middle of looking up to Louis and being his partner in crime, he fell for him. Years of confusion and denial later, he’s finally come to terms with it. Every night when he goes to bed, it’s to dreams of a distant future where he and Louis are together. Old and aged, with their own dogs and kids and proper jobs. 

 

But every morning he wakes up to the reality that Louis is the most perfect person in the world and he doesn’t look at Harry like Harry looks at him. That he could have anyone in the world so why would he settle for Harry, even though Louis himself keeps saying how he wouldn’t make it to the next day without his best mate. 

 

But that’s just it, best mate. That’s all he is to Louis.

 

And not even that after he goes off to uni. Harry knows it’s London and it’s big and away from home but it’s still in England, he argues.

 

See, after that incident at Stan’s party, they never did go back to the way it was before. They were still close, no doubt but the next morning neither of them brought it up and it got buried. They continued on with life but there was always something unsaid, a distance between them.

 

They still went to see films every other day almost, still fell asleep in each other’s bed after long and exhausting nights spent talking about anything and everything. Still watched crap telly wrapped around each other on the sofa. But somewhere, there was hesitation. 

 

Harry wanted nothing more to stop Louis for a second and tell him everything’s alright, but it wasn’t. Countless times Louis had asked him if something was wrong and every time he had plastered a smile on his face and told him no.

 

And then one day Louis had packed up and left for London. 

 

It had been hard getting out of bed, telling himself he still had a purpose in life. It was hard going through school, going to films with other people and missing Louis every second of every day. On the weekends, he would come home and they’d go back to being with each other every waking moment.

 

Only now most of Louis’ stories were about his room mate, Zayn. 

 

Harry never let himself act in a jealous manner, he felt like his heart was being ripped in two every time Louis talked about Zayn liking the same films as him and Zayn loving tea as much as him, but he kept himself from acting out.

 

He told himself to hold on till the end of the year, just a few more months till he joins Louis in London and then it’ll be like before. He marked the end of term date in his calendar and looked at it every morning.

 

The deadlines for colleges were getting closer and his mum was pestering him, he waited for Louis to come home on the weekend and tell him to apply to University of London, just like they’d always talked about.

 

He waited. But it never happened.

 

Louis never asked him to apply there, he never even brought up colleges or applications. Even after he saw the cluster of application forms spread out in Harry’s room because his mum was getting worried about him. 

 

That was the most testing weekend, the whole time Harry waited for Louis to bring up his application. He even went online and downloaded an application and hid it in his desk, waiting for Louis to bring it up so he could promptly fill it out.

 

But Louis never did.

 

So here he is, sitting in his room waiting for Louis to come back for the weekend. He’s sent in his application to London University anyway, after all the waiting he’s applied there because he would follow Louis anywhere, even without him asking.

 

His end terms are done, the wait for his final scores is brutal but at least there’s the promise of seeing Louis. He’s lost in his daydreams about sharing a room with Louis and travelling around London with him and starting his college with his best mate, when he feels the bed dip behind him.

 

“What’re you so lost in, Hazhead?”

 

“Just thinking.”

 

“About?”

 

“I sent in my application.”

 

He feels Louis tense up next to him so he snakes his arm around him and pulls him close.

 

“University of London.”

 

Louis rolls over him and is now lying across him with his head nuzzled in Harry’s neck. Harry feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off his shoulders. 

 

“I missed you.”

 

They’ve always said it to each other, every time one of them had to go away for the Summer or over the holidays, they’ve always said it. So, then why does it feel like years since he’s heard it. 

 

They stay in his room all day, playing FIFA and eating pizza till it gets dark out and Louis’ mum calls him to get back. After months of separation and not-quite the level of intimacy they used to share, this day has been a reminder of growing up with each other. Of being the same person essentially, with everything they shared and everything they imagined they will in the future.

 

He wakes up in a cold sweat, still trembling from the dream. It was stupid, he knows it was but he can’t forget it now.

 

‘Zayn had come home on the weekend with Louis, and everyone had loved him. Jay had praised him for hours and all through dinner, Louis’ sisters loved him. And then Louis had looked straight at Harry and announced that he and Zayn were together.

 

Even in his dream, Harry had silently sat there and smiled at Louis just like that night at Stan’s party last year. And Zayn - a faceless person sitting next to Louis at the dinner party - had leaned in and kissed Louis right in front of him. 

 

When Harry had asked him about it, Louis had said that he was a baby. He needed to grow up. He didn’t want to be around a baby when he went to college. Harry had asked him the question that’s been pestering him, 

 

Is that why you didn’t ask me to apply to London U?

 

Louis had just looked at him silently.’

 

He lies in the dark room wondering just how much of this dream is his fear and how much is reality. Maybe he should ask Louis once and for all, just ask him if he actually wants Harry with him in London.

 

***

 

The next morning, he’s not feeling as terrible as he had last night. The dream is still playing on a loop at the back of his mind and he still is worried about clinging to Louis but most of the tension is gone with the night. Like someone famous said, no one’s life looks great between midnight and four. 

 

So when he comes down to the kitchen and finds his Mum and Robin eating breakfast, he joins them with a big smile. They both comment on how he looks happier than he has in a while and he just smiles some more.

 

Louis comes to pick him up around noon and they go over to the bowling place downtown. It’s been a while since they’ve spent an entire day goofing around the bowling alley without actually getting even a single score in. 

 

More than once Harry notices Louis leaning into him closer than usual, or holding on to his shoulders or his waist longer than strictly necessary. He can hardly fight the blush that appears on his cheeks every time Louis pulls him closer with a hand on his waist. It makes something light spread through his chest. Louis almost sits down in his lap when they get supper at Nando’s and Harry’s never been happier.

 

It’s like the barrier that’s subconsciously been there since Stan’s party has finally been lifted. 

 

He’s two weeks away from leaving for college and everything is perfect. He will get his final admission forms settled next week, then he just has to pack up and leave. Louis talks about an off-campus flat he looked at that they can share and Harry nods like a madman without a second’s hesitation. 

 

In a dazed state of absolute euphoria, he gets out of Louis’ car and makes his way to his house. It’s eerily silent, and as much as Harry wants to share his happiness he doesn’t think his parents will appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night just so their son can share his joy.

 

It’s a peaceful sleep with no cryptic dreams and he wakes up with a crazy idea in mind. 

 

He’s going to tell Louis. He's going to tell him how he feels.

 

Yup, it makes perfect sense. It’s Sunday and Louis is driving back to London today so he’s going to tell him before he goes.

 

After a long, arduous speech that he practices in the mirror he finally makes his way downstairs towards the kitchen when a loud giggle stops him in his tracks. Another one follows and then a loud laugh echoes through the house. It’s Louis and Gemma in the kitchen. 

 

“And what does your boyfriend think about this?”

 

That’s Gemma’s voice.

 

Every bone in Harry’s body freezes. If he wasn’t clutching the stairway railing, he’d be on the floor right now as his knees give out from under him. He’s silently praying that Louis laughs at her because it’s just a joke.

 

“Well, he doesn’t need to know everything.”

 

He’s running before he can stop himself. The main door slams shut behind him as his feet pound hard on the pavement and he’s running away from Louis. For the first time in his life, he doesn’t want Louis to follow him.

 

‘He lied.’

 

That’s all he can think as he runs away from home, doesn’t even know where he’s running to.

 

‘He lied because he doesn’t care, you don’t matter enough. That’s why he told Gemma and not you. She matters, of course she does. He kissed her too, remember? Didn’t kiss you.’

 

He wants to muffle the voice, to just make it stop but he knows it’s all true. Every last thing.

 

‘Now he’s got a boyfriend and he didn’t even tell you because you don’t matter enough.’

 

He comes to a stop near the abandoned train tracks where they used to come sometimes after school. It’s quiet, no one ever comes here.

 

“But he--he was, he sat in my--”

 

‘He was nice to you and you thought he loved you? You are a baby, like he says. You really are.’

 

“No, he held me. He does care, he--”

 

He doesn’t know who he’s trying to convince right now. He must look like a lunatic arguing with himself but it feels like everything he’s ever known is being challenged, like it’s all been a lie. Eleven years of thinking he knew Louis and now being left questioning everything.

 

‘He didn’t ask you to apply to London, if he wanted you there he’d have asked.’

 

“But he looked at that flat, he--”

 

‘Yeah because you applied anyway and he can’t just get rid of you. Probably pities you for following him around like a lost puppy.’

 

“No, he--”

 

‘Wouldn’t he want to live with his boyfriend? That’s not you. You’re not his--’

 

“I know! I fucking know.”

 

‘He doesn’t want you to know, or else he’d have told you. But he lied.’

 

He did. Just last month they’d talked about how Harry had turned down every girl who had asked him to the school dance. Louis had been over for dinner and his mum had started talking about how Harry was being a spoilsport.

 

Louis had been completely silent at the dinner table but later in his room, he’d asked Harry if he was seeing someone. And somehow the conversation had changed course,

 

“Do you? I mean, have a girl--”

 

“No, I’m not seeing anyone.”

 

“Do you like someone, Lou?”

 

“Tell you what, you’ll be the first to know if I do find someone.”

 

Now when he thinks about it, Harry finds it odd that Louis had deflected the question of whether or not he liked someone. And not only that, he had lied to Harry about telling him first.

 

‘See? You don’t matter enough?’

 

“Then what the fuck was yesterday? Why was he so close to me, sat in my lap and and--”

 

‘It’s all in your head.’

 

“No, its not. He always looks at me like--”

 

‘No, he doesn’t.’

 

And no matter what he wants to think, he can’t deny that Louis has never in fact shown any affection towards him more than a best mate would. 

 

He picks himself up and starts walking toward the shops. The man behind the counter looks at him a little worried but gives him the bottle of vodka anyway. He doesn’t wait till he gets out to open the bottle and bring it to his lips.

 

By the time he makes it home, he’s pissed. Enough that he has to try twice to open the front door and step inside. The floor is spinning under his feet but he wants his bed so he starts walking toward the stairs.

 

He makes it up the first couple of steps without falling but then he steps on his own foot and in the back of his mind he knows he’s going to fall but his hand flies out to clutch the railing anyway. Closing his eyes he’s ready to go down when a hand grips at his arm and stops him from braining himself.

 

He’s being dragged upstairs before he can even open his eyes. When he does, he finds himself in his room and Louis standing in front of him with his arms crossed, looking livid.

 

For a moment, he wants to do what he always does when Louis is angry at him - apologize without even asking what he’s done wrong, just ask for his forgiveness. But then everything comes rushing back to him and he defiantly takes a step back while staring at Louis.

 

He can see the exact moment Louis realizes that Harry’s not going to just beg for his forgiveness today, he can pinpoint the second he falters before he composes himself and stares back at Harry.

 

He’s done pretending, though.

 

“Harry what--”

 

“What do you want?”

 

“What do I--I want to know why you're drunk in the middle of the day! Where the fuck did you run off to? I’ve been running around looking for you and Gemma was so worried, she--”

 

“Oh she was worried, was she? That must really break your heart then, her worrying--”

 

“What the hell are you on about? And where were you?”

 

“None of your business.”

 

“Harry, what’s wrong, love? You’ve been acting weird--”

 

“You finally have time to notice, then?”

 

“I don’t understand, what are you--”

 

“You never do, do you? Busy in your own perfect life to give a shit about--”

 

“Okay, you know what that’s it. I can’t do this anymore, just tell me what the fuck is bothering you and stop talking in puzzles.”

 

“What’s bothering me is why my best mate lied to me. When you said you’d tell me if you ever found someone, but no you didn’t. Why am I always the one waiting for you? Why was I the last one to find out that you were bi? Every else in the family knew, I was the last--”

 

“Harry, why are you bringing this up now? What’s gotten--”

 

“Why, for years, you kept saying you wanted me at the same uni. but you didn’t even bring it up once when I was actually applying to colleges? Why--”

 

“I wanted to give you--”

 

“--why is it that you kissed me on New Year’s eve two years ago but conveniently forgot about it the next day and never brought it up? I thought I had fucking imagined it for ages!”

 

“Why is this--”

 

“Why is it that you could snog my sister but not me even if it was a game and you were plastered?”

 

“Haz, you’re--why are you thinking about all of this? It’s not important, I--”

 

“It is, to me.”

 

“Well, okay I’ll tell you why then. If it’s so fucking important to you, if you’ll stop behaving like a--”

 

“No, you know what. I don’t care. Years I spent thinking I want to know what he's thinking but I don’t anymore. It doesn’t matter.”

 

“But Harry, you’re just building all of this up inside you. It’s not how you think it is, love. I just--”

 

“Are you in love with someone?”

 

He can feel the haze of drunkenness lifting as he stands there silently looking at Louis, waiting for an answer. This is it, he thinks. 

 

Whatever the answer he’s going to accept it. 

 

“Haz, we’re doing so well. After all that distance, we’re finally going back to being us. I missed you so much, every day at uni. I think about you and you’re the best mate I’ve ever had. It’s so hard living there without you around me and now we’re going to be--”

 

He’s listening patiently but it feels like his whole life has built up to this one moment. Like everything he’s ever done and gone through has been a leadup to this one answer. He can’t wait anymore.

 

“--just never learned to live without you and I never want to--”

 

“Are you. In love. With someone?”

 

Louis stops talking when he asks again, his eyes are bluer than Harry has ever seen and there might be tears in them. He’s just staring back at Harry with a helpless face and he finds that he doesn’t even care for an answer anymore. It doesn't matter. Louis lied, he has been lying for years now.

 

The words rip out of him before he even knows what he’s saying. The shock on Louis’ face is apparent and he wishes he could stop himself, but he knows he’s done that enough times in life. 

 

“I don’t care. I don’t really care how many people you fuck or how many--”

 

“Harry!”

 

“You don’t want to tell me, fine. I don’t give a fuck. Go do it now, sleep with the first person you see, I don’t care.”

 

“What the hell are you--”

 

“I followed you around like a lost dog, well guess what? You don’t have to worry about me anymore. You can go fuck whoever you--”

 

“You’re being such a baby, Harry. Over reacting over nothing--”

 

“Get out.”

 

After everything else he’s let slide and kept quiet about, this is the one thing that he just won’t stand for ever again. Being told how young is, as an excuse for not telling him things or not letting him do what he wants.

 

Always being told he’s told too young, by his parents and his sister and his teachers and his, his… Louis.

 

“Haz--”

 

“I said get out.”

 

“Harry, just listen--”

 

“GET. OUT.”

 

He does. Louis turns around and walks out of the room, the door shuts behind him and it somehow sounds very final.

 

***

 

The first thing he does after Louis storms out is go stand next to the window and watches him go. It’s stupid and he’s been questioning the existence of a God for years, but in that moment he looks down at Louis walking away and prays that he looks back.

 

Every single time he’s put his faith in God, he’s been disappointed. That’s why he started questioning it in the first place and now as he almost breaks down, his hand clutching the window praying for Louis to turn back just once he makes the biggest decision of his short life.

 

He’s not going to wait around for Louis to come back.

 

That’s what he’s been doing every weekend for the past year. And that’s what he’s been doing for eleven years, just waiting for Louis. 

 

After one last look out the window at Louis’ retreating form, he turns around and walks over to his wardrobe and pulls out the suitcase his mum bought him to take to London. He throws in all his clothes and a couple of pairs of shoes, his toiletries and anything he can think of. 

 

He’s probably missing quite a few things but he doubts he’ll miss them. After he’s packed up most of his belongings and stuffed them into the suitcase, he pulls out his journal from under the mattress and sits down on the floor. 

 

His hands are trembling and he’s a drunken mess even without the tears streaming down his face but he forces his hand to be steady enough to write,

 

‘He’s gone. I pushed him away, for the last time. After all the crying and pretending and lying I did to myself, I can’t go on like this anymore. It hurts to sit here and think of leaving all of this behind and not going after him because that’s what I’ve always done but I can’t anymore.

 

It’s not just what happened today or one day years ago, it’s everything. I’ve been in love with him for a decade and I always thought it’s worth it. It will work out. I don’t know that that’s true anymore.

 

My hands are trembling, there’s tears on the page and it feels like I’m being ripped into two but it’s okay. And I want to remember this feeling, to always be able to think back to this moment when I read this in the future. Just, I hope I always remember this pain so I can’t make the same mistake of falling in love again.

 

He’s gone.’

 

He packs the journal in the outer pocket of his suitcase and goes to take a shower. It’s hard standing under the cold spray and holding himself up when all he wants to do is crumble. He forces himself to stay up, to hold on to the wall for support but he’s weak. 

 

As much as he hates to admit it, he’s weak. So he ends up on his knees under the cold water, his tears mixing in with the water and it’s alright. When the tears are finally gone, he makes himself stand up and walk out on steady feet. It’s like a ritual, like preparing himself for war as he dresses up in his best clothes and drives to the bank.

 

It’s not much but he has some money saved from his bakery job, money he was going to spend in London but now it’s going to get him somewhere else. The travel agent downtown tells him he can get a cheap price on tickets to Australia because there’s a sale and ten minutes later, Harry’s walking home with a one-way ticket to Sydney burning a hole through his pocket.

 

Gemma rushes into his room at some point and looks worriedly at his suitcase but he locks her out. She’s yelling at him through the door as he sits down and writes to University of London telling them he’s decided to take a gap year. 

 

She goes away eventually, he's left alone with his thoughts and plans until Mum comes home and asks Harry to come down for dinner. He answers her politely but doesn’t open the door, all the while writing down important details for his flight and the room he’s booked in a student hostel in Sydney.

 

When he finally comes down to dinner, he can feel all their eyes on him but he pretends for their benefit and smiles and laughs in all the right places. His mum hugs him extra tight that night while Gemma tries to talk to him about Louis, he completely ignores her and shuts his door on her face.

 

It’s childish, he knows but he is a baby after all like Louis said. So might as well act like one.

 

***

 

Somewhere in the middle of the night, he wakes up trembling and lost in his dark room. The voice inside his head tells him to stop being a baby when he doubts his decision.

 

‘He was right, you are a baby. When are you going to grow up and take a decision and stick by it?’

 

It’s not the stupid voice in his head and it isn’t the heat of the moment that makes him sure of his decision, it’s what he finds when he looks back on his life. That he’s always been in Louis’ shadow, always followed him and just waited around for Louis to notice how much he loves him. 

 

He doesn’t want to wait around anymore. He doesn’t want to spend an entire week waiting for Louis to get back so he can feel alive again.

 

He doesn’t want to put his life on hold anymore, so Louis can come back and he can start living.

 

His phone’s alert tone startles him from his thoughts, it’s facebook and he almost throws the phone away but Louis’ name on the screen catches his eye. It feels like slow-motion from there as he opens the notification and sees the photo someone named Damon has shared on Louis' wall.

 

It’s a lad getting his cock sucked in a bathroom stall and Harry recognizes the jumper the lad’s wearing because he’d given it to Louis for his birthday last year.

 

He feels his hands growing numb and his ears start ringing, the darkness around him is suffocating and he runs out of the room and downstairs to go sit outside where he can breathe. Well, he tries but five minutes later he’s hunched over with his head between his knees as he struggles to get enough air into his lungs. 

 

It’s a necessity, he tells himself. 

 

Panic attacks and seeing the true face of the person he thought he knew, it’s all necessary. If he wants to move on, he needs to see and go through all of this.

 

Although a less cruel way of finding out how much Louis doesn’t care about him would’ve been easier. But maybe it’s better this way, the image of Louis with a bloke on his knees in front of him is never going to burn out from his memory. 

 

He stays on the grass for a bit longer till it starts getting lighter outside. The paper boy throws the newspaper at him to check if he’s alive, Harry thinks this is a good time to go in.

 

He starts making a big breakfast as he hears his parents waking up upstairs. His mum looks surprised to see him in the kitchen with an apron on and making pancakes. She pulls him into a hug before going back upstairs for a shower.

 

They’re a bit early than normal in their morning routine since Harry handled the cooking and so they don’t mind when Harry sits them down and tells them he loves them no matter what. 

 

“Harry, you’re scaring me. Is everything alright, love? What is--”

 

“Nothing Mum, just finally realizing a few things.”

 

He smiles at her but she doesn’t look satisfied with his response. Robin looks on worried.

 

“Promise me you won’t do anything stupid. Do you need me to stay home today? I can call--”

 

“Nope. It’s all good. I’ve been a baby for too long, I think it’s time to grow up.”

 

“You are grown up, Harry. You’re more mature than people twice your age, I don’t under--”

 

“It’s alright, Mum. Just, you want me to be happy, right?”

 

“Anything you want, baby. Just as long as you’re sure and you’re happy.”

 

“Alright, thanks. I love you both.”

 

It takes some maneuvering but he pushes them both out to work. They looked worried and he is going to miss them so much but the twenty seconds that his mum and stepdad had held him in an embrace in the middle of the kitchen will last him a lifetime, he thinks.

 

He writes down a long note to his mum explaining that he’s decided to take a gap year and that he’s going away for a while. Doesn’t tell her the details but does reassure her that he’s mature enough to take care of himself and that he’ll write back soon. 

 

He doesn’t see Gemma before he slips out of the house and starts walking toward the bus station. It’s an odd feeling looking at these places he’s grown up in through the bus window and trying to memorize them because he won’t be seeing them for a while. 

 

The airport is bustling even at this early hour as he pushes his luggage and make his way to his boarding gate. His phone vibrates in his pocket and his feet stutter to a stop of their own accord.

 

It’s Louis.

 

He takes a deep breath and keeps walking. It rings twice and after the second time, he takes out the battery and throws away the card. It’s useless anyway.

 

Adrenalin is pumping through him as he boards the plane and sits down in his seat staring at the ground outside his window. It feels like he’s not actually here right now, like this is his body doing something temporary and he’s going to wake up in his bed anytime soon.

 

By the time the plane takes off, his stomach is in knots and he has to clutch the hand rest to ground himself. The stewardess looks faintly concerned and offers him water, he politely declines and then goes to the bathroom and throws up the pancakes from this morning.

 

His nerves settle by the time the Captain announces that they’re landing for their stop in Singapore. The rest of the time flies by as he watches some stupid film and stares at the clouds outside.

 

It’s sunny in Australia.

 

That’s the first thing he can think of, it’s sunny and it’s hot.

 

He’s tired from flying for over twenty hours as he silently makes his way to the bus taking him to the hostel. In the middle of his jetlag, he forgets about calling his parents or anything really. When he’s shown to his room, he promptly lands on the bed and falls asleep, all his luggage forgotten inside the door. 

 

***


	4. Louis - I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was expecting a better response to this fic but maybe that was just me projecting cuz I worked harder on this any of my other ones but well. Everyone who commented was so so nice so here's Louis' first chapter!

He rushes out of the house and starts walking toward his home, blinking fast and rubbing his face trying to stop the tears that threaten to fall. When he gets there, his mum has already left for her shift at the hospital and his sisters are at the park with Dan so he runs up to his room and packs up his weekend bag. 

 

Leaving a note for his mum on the fridge, he piles up his stuff into the car and starts driving back to London. The whole way there, this uneasy feeling keeps his chest drawn tight. It’s a stupid fear but for some reason he’s afraid that if he doesn’t turn back now he’s never going to see Harry again.

 

It’s not completely unreasonable to think this, after all, they’ve never fought like this before. Over the years, they’ve had arguments and they’ve had fights but never has he stormed off and never has Harry let him. 

 

This feels like something’s been ripped out of him, and it feels final.

 

He parks in the student parking and rushes over to his dorm just so he can lie down and not force his body to move when it’s been numb ever since he left Harry’s house.

 

When he opens the door, Zayn takes one look at him and pulls him into his chest. He finally lets go of the mask he’s been holding up,

 

“Lou, vas happened?”

 

He feels the breath punch out of him when he thinks back to Harry looking at him like Louis being there caused him pain. Like it actually hurt Harry to look at him. When did it get like this? When did it get so bad?

 

“Louis, hey, what happened?”

 

He can’t hold it in any longer, and Zayn is basically holding him up right now and he feels like he could tell him everything now. Zayn doesn’t know everything but he knows the most important bit.

 

He knows that Louis is in love with Harry.

 

“He, he--told me to get out. I was, I was worried Zayn but he didn’t want to listen--”

 

“Hey, hey calm down. Just, come on sit down here. Sit down and tell me what happened?”

 

He settles into Zayn’s bed, in his arms that circle around Louis. As much as he appreciates the support, he’d give anything for Harry to be holding him instead. But Zayn pushes a glass of water toward him and then waits patiently till he starts talking again.

 

“I just, I’ve always loved him y’know. Before I even knew what it meant properly, I saw my mum kissing my dad and I asked her what it meant. When she explained that it was because she loved him, the first thing I did was run over to Harry’s house and kiss him on his cheek. 

 

And all these years, I saw him growing up and kept falling in love even more. But I just, he’s so young Zayn. He’s not even 18 yet, he’s still got to see the world. And I didn’t want him to miss out on anything. I just, I wanted him to see it all for himself and make his own choices. Because every time in life, I’ve turned around and looked back - he’s always been there, always following me. 

 

I needed him to make his own way, I couldn’t take any of that away from him. That’s why I didn’t want to overwhelm by telling him I was bi but he found out and he said he was okay with it. I didn’t want to force him to come to London for college, I wanted him to chose for himself so I didn’t give him the prospectus I took home with me. Even though it killed me to see all those applications scattered on his table, I kept quiet.

 

He’s thrown all of that in my face, Zayn. I tried to explain but he didn’t want to listen. I was just trying to protect him, Zee. I was--because he needs to be protected, you know? Because he’s just, he won’t--when he was about ten, this big kid pushed him in the park and he went willingly. He stayed down and didn’t fight back because that’s just who he is. So I had to protect him and I always will. But I’ve ended up hurting him, Zayn. I was trying to protect him.”

 

“Okay, just shhh. Stop for a second, okay? Think about this, I know you think he needs protecting but he’s not that little kid anymore, babe. He’s not a baby, he will always be younger than you but you have to stop thinking of him like a kid.”

 

“I don’t, I just--he means too much to me, Zayn.”

 

“Then just tell him. And let him make a decision.”

 

“He’s--”

 

“Don’t say too young, you’re hardly 18 yourself so stop being his savior for a minute. I mean you love this kid, I’ve seen you drunk and moaning about Harry not being here so what’s stopping you?”

 

“I don’t want him to get into something he’s not ready for. He’s never said ‘no’ to me and I just don’t want him to agree for something he doesn’t want.”

 

“From what you’ve told me about him, I don’t think he’s a pushover. And you’ve been pining for ages now, mate. That’s not good for your mental health, Lou, which we both know is doubtful to begin with.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“No jokes though, just tell him, yeah? Or if not, at least get your dick sucked or summat because your pining is making me sad, mate.”

 

He doesn’t say anything as Zayn keeps on holding him for a bit longer. At some point, they get up and walk to the campus pub. Louis checks his phone every minute but Harry hasn’t called or texted. Usually, his phone would be blowing up with messages from him about all the things they forgot to do that weekend and should definitely do next weekend.

 

It gets a bit depressing after a while and Zayn snatches away his phone around the third round of pints. Ed shows up around eight and brings along a group of his mates and it ends up being a late night with everyone plastered out of their minds. 

 

Louis remembers taking shots with Zayn and he remembers telling the barman about this beautiful boy he has back home. But what he doesn’t remember is how he ends up in the bathroom stall with his cock in a lad’s mouth who’s kneeling in front of him and he rushes out of there as soon as he realizes what’s happening, his hard dick hurting against his jeans because he could never let anyone else touch him like that. Neither does he remember how a photo of all this ends up on the internet.

 

The next morning is a disaster. His mum calls him at ten to yell at him about being rash and his stepdad’s screaming in the background and his head hurts from all the drinking. It takes him a good minute to even make sense of what they’re saying but when he makes out the words ‘sex in a toilet’ and ‘stranger’ and ‘all over your facebook’, he jumps out of bed even though his head is killing him.

 

His mum keeps talking even though he’s asked her to go slow,

 

“We’re okay with whatever you want in life, Lou but this is outrageous. I mean, you left here in a hurry and we were worried and then I go on facebook and see this blurry photo of someone on their--just, this is just really embarrassing, Louis.”

 

He’s firing up his laptop trying to get to this photo whatever the fuck it is and whoever put it on. He’s going to kill whoever thought this was a good idea, just why would someone do this and where was Zayn while this was happening. Just out of retaliation, he kicks at Zayn’s sleeping form and all he does is groan and roll over while his mum’s still rambling on the phone.

 

“Listen, mum-”

 

“No, Louis let me finish. Dan and I have been so worried about you lately, but we thought you were in lov--I mean, what were you thinking?”

 

And like everything else in life, it all just fades. Everything fades away and the only thing that matters is Harry.

 

He hadn’t thought of it yet but the second his mum cuts off her words, his mind goes to Harry. What’s he going to think of this? He’s already so mad at Louis, he’s not even talking to him. He checks his phone once and finds no missed calls or texts from Harry.

 

“Mum, I’m not sure what happened. I mean it was just a bad night and--”

 

“Louis, c’mon we’ve never had to talk about this with you. What happened? You’ve never given me a chance to be embarrassed or angry so what’s--”

 

The photo comes up on his wall and he finds that fucking Damon had shared it on his wall possibly as retaliation for when Louis beat his team at footie last semester and won the bet. Stupid, fucking Damon. 

 

When he gets a closer look at the photo though, he finds that his face is not clear. It’s hidden behind the wall of the stall and basically it’s just the fact that it’s on his wall that makes it look like it’s him. It’s not though, that’s not him in the photo. That’s fucking Aiden wearing his jumper and hiding his face purposefully so it looks like Louis.

 

“Mum, listen, it’s not even me in that photo.”

 

She stops her rambling right away as the words leave his mouth.

 

“--anything’s bothering you, just let me--what?”

 

“It’s not me. In the photo. It’s just a bloke here who has beef with me, it’s a prank.”

 

“But it looks like--”

 

“You can’t even see anything in it, Mum. It’s my jumper but that’s not me.”

 

It takes a bit of sweet talking but he does convince her that it’s not him in the photo. She tells him to delete it and tell someone at uni. about harassment and take care of himself before disconnecting. The second she’s off, he calls Harry.

 

He doesn’t pick up.

 

Louis goes through all the stupid texts on his phone to see if Harry had maybe texted him at some point but he finds nothing. He calls him again, no answer.

 

He throws his phone away and settles with his laptop. Delete the photo, check. Upload status about his account being hacked, check. Deny that the photo was his, check. Make snarky comments about it, check.

 

Zayn starts waking up at some point and the first thing he does is barf in the container next to his bed before going back to sleep. Louis calls Harry again but he doesn’t pick up. The uneasy feeling from yesterday returns, the fear clawing through his chest - fear, that he won’t see Harry ever again.

 

He decides to text him. 

 

Even though there’s a good chance that Harry never saw the photo, and by texting him Louis is making sure that Harry enquires what photo, he still wants Harry to know.

 

‘It wasn’t me.’

 

He waits the whole day for a reply but never hears back.

 

***

 

Harry doesn’t pick up his call and he’s called him a good fifty times so far. He tries Anne but she doesn’t pick up either, she’s probably working and her phone must be off. He could call Gemma but he hasn’t seen her since yesterday when she drove away to look for Harry. 

 

She doesn’t answer his call either.

 

By the time he gets out of his classes around 4pm, he’s ready to drive back to Cheshire to look for Harry. He’s spent the entire day with unease settling heavier and heavier in his gut with every passing minute. He’s been calling Harry and Gemma non-stop between classes and even during lectures but neither of them has picked up.

 

Zayn finds him frantically looking for his emergency money hidden under the mattress so he can pay for petrol to drive back. He tries explaining in a hurry but Zayn locks the door and stands in front of it.

 

“Zayn, what the fuck are you doing? Help me--”

 

“No. You’re not driving back to--”

 

“I am, I need to see him. Something’s wrong, he would never ignore me for this long and Gemma’s not picking up either, she--”

 

“She called. Gemma did, on the extension when you were gone to class. She--”

 

“What the fuck? Why didn’t she--”

 

“Sit down, Lou. Please.”

 

“What’s going on? Zayn, why’re you--”

 

“Just sit down. You need to.”

 

He looks at Zayn with raised eyebrows but when he doesn’t budge, Louis sits down at the edge of his bed. For some reason, he feels dread curling in his stomach. His hand goes to grip the edge of the bed, he doesn’t know what he’s expecting. 

 

As long as Harry is okay, he thinks.

 

Please let him be okay.

 

I promise I won’t go after him, I’ll leave him be. Just let him be okay.

 

“Louis, Gemma called to tell you something. And she also asked me to tell you to not call her again. She--”

 

“What? She--Is Harry okay? Is he hurt? I--”

 

“Harry is fine, she thinks. He uh--he left home. Gemma found a note addressed to their parents where Harry said he was going away, taking a gap year instead of coming to London--”

 

“Going away where? He wanted to come here, he--”

 

“They don’t know. It just says that he’s going away and that he’ll write once he gets there.”

 

“No. No, no no that stupid stupid boy! He’s throwing away his future and he’s run off to somewhere . Oh god, they’re going to kill him--he’s going to--”

 

“Louis, Lou you have to calm down. Breathe.”

 

He doesn’t remember how. Everything is blurry around him, his lungs are expanding around nothing and he wants to throw up. 

 

“Harry, where’s--he’s going to get lost, Zayn. They’re going to kill him, they’re all going to destroy him. He needs me.”

 

“Louis, he’s fine. He has money and his Mum thinks he is going to be fine.”

 

“No, he’s--he’s too young. I need to find him, Zayn I’m going t--”

 

“No. They’re not going after him and Gemma said to tell you not to either. Louis, he’s not a baby.”

 

“He is, Zayn he is. He needs--”

 

“No one. He needs no one, not even you. He’s an adult, he can make his own decisions.”

 

“But I sent him away, I pushed him away. I should’ve--”

 

“Louis, you couldn’t have stopped him. It’s okay, it’s done now.”

 

He doesn’t remember just how long he stays on the floor with Zayn holding him to his chest. He remembers flashes of waking up and asking for Harry and then remembering and falling asleep again. 

 

He gets out of bed the next day but doesn’t go to his classes. Zayn brings him food and tries to get him to talk to his mum but the guilt is too much. He tells him to tell her he’s fine. 

 

He lies in bed all day with his phone clutched to his chest waiting for Harry to call. He doesn’t.

 

He calls Anne two days later, she picks up and sighs.

 

“Did he call?”

 

“Louis, are you okay? You sound sick, love.”

 

“I’m alright, Anne. But did he call?”

 

“No, he uh--he sent me a postcard from where he is. Australia, he’s in Australia.”

 

“Oh.”

 

He doesn’t know what to say. Harry’s in Australia. That doesn’t register in his brain, Harry is supposed to be two hours away from him in Cheshire where Louis can go see him whenever he wants. Not halfway across the world.

 

“Listen Lou, he’s taking a year off. I’m not sure why he is but I think it’s good for him.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You should take care of yourself, he’d want you to be okay.”

 

A dry laugh escapes his lips before he can stop it. No, he wants to say. He wouldn’t care. Not after what I’ve done to him. 

 

What have I done to him? 

 

“I’m sorry, Anne.”

 

He disconnects before she can ask him why. She probably knows, he reasons.

 

He stays buried under the quilt with his guilt burning hot through his chest, every time he closes his eyes he thinks of Harry in a strange place. Lost among unfamiliar faces, driven away from the comfort of home just because Louis couldn’t tell him the truth.

 

Zayn forces him to get out of bed a week later, walks him to class just so Louis couldn’t miss it. He finds Zayn waiting outside the door when he gets out of the class two hours later and that’s the day he decides to tell Zayn everything.

 

Everything since that first day he met Harry at Tesco and till the last argument they had and everything in-between. He tells Zayn how shitty he feels because he knows Harry has left home because of him. 

 

“You’re wrong, you might be a reason but you’re not the reason. He’s--”

 

“You don’t know him, Zayn. He’s very sensitive, he--”

 

“Has made a decision on his own and his mother seems to think it’s the right one.”

 

“She doesn’t know about our fight--”

 

“But she does know her son. And if she thinks he needs the time then I think he does. Plus he’s just taking a gap year, Lou.”

 

“I know but he wasn’t going to, not until we--”

 

“Honestly, I think he’s being just as big of a prick as you. I mean he knows you’d all worry, he knows you would worry and feel guilty and he hasn’t even tried to reach you.”

 

“I hurt him, Zayn.”

 

“And he hurt you. You’re losing your shit here too so don’t tell me he isn’t being selfish.”

 

“He’s not, Zayn. There’s not a selfish bone in his body.”

 

“So why hasn’t he returned your call even once? Or texted you or something? Or sent a fucking postcard?”

 

He sits there in the student cafeteria staring at a photo of an eggplant thinking why Harry hasn’t sent him even one message telling him he’s alright.

 

His guilt turns into anger over the next few weeks. Every thought and every dream he has is about Harry, about him coming back. But three weeks later, he decides he doesn’t care if Harry doesn’t.

 

Zayn takes him to the pub and he downs three shots and then cries on his mate’s shoulder. Tells him every thought, every insecurity and guilty feeling he’s had since Harry left. He lets it all out.

 

The next day he wakes up and goes to work. It’s hard going about his day and pretending it’s alright. He thinks of Harry constantly and then beats himself up over it. 

 

He doesn’t call Gemma or Anne again.

 

It gets easier as the days go by. He doesn’t think of Harry so often now, just sometimes when he sees a curly-haired boy he thinks of Harry.

 

Or when he hears the Script play on the radio, he thinks of Harry.

 

It’s becoming easier to numb the sharp tug in his chest every time he thinks of Harry. His mum knows what’s happening but she never says it out loud. She doesn’t force him to come home on weekends either when he comes up with excuses about why he can’t.

 

Zayn stays with him in the dorm over Christmas. They sit around and drink rum from the bottle as the silence of the empty student building engulfs them. Louis’ mum had been a bit sad when he had told her he wasn’t coming home this year but she didn’t force him.

 

***

 

The new semester starts with snow and bad weather. Zayn and Louis move to a flat off-campus, the old landlady tells them she expects them to keep it clean. Louis doesn’t laugh in her face but it’s close.

 

The first time he sees it, he stops in the middle of crossing the road and a taxi almost hits him. He’s too numb to even hear the driver yelling at him to get off the road, he doesn’t even know how he’s walked to the other side when his eyes are stuck on Harry’s face staring at him from a huge billboard in downtown London.

 

He stands there on the side of the street just looking at the board, looking at the face staring back at him. 

 

It’s Harry. His Harry.

 

He looks a bit different. His hair is still a mess like always, his eyes are shining even in the photo and his dimples are etched deep in his cheeks. This is his ‘Look-I’m-alright-I-might-be-overwhelmed-but-I'm-alright’ smile.

 

Louis walks home and asks Zayn if he has any blunts at home. Ten minutes later, he’s high and googling Harry Styles.

 

“He’s famous. There are billboards of him, he’s a popstar.”

 

“Louis, will you stop--”

 

“He’s making an album, in Australia. He’s got a band Zayn and he’s--”

 

Zayn snatches the laptop from him and holds it over his head. Louis glares at him but doesn’t try to grab it because they’ve done this enough times for Louis to know that Zayn is taller enough that Louis wouldn’t reach it.

 

“You’ve been doing so well, you can’t go back now.”

 

“But he’s famous, Zayn. He was my best mate for eleven years, I--”

 

“Was. He hasn’t contacted you in almost a year, hasn’t come back. So, what does that tell you?”

 

He doesn’t want me back. Doesn’t care.

 

So after that day, Louis stops looking up at billboards. Some days he does break and does it anyway, and he’s not sure how he feels when he finds someone else’s face on the board instead of the one he was looking for.

 

Gemma doesn’t try to contact him at all. He misses her, they were so close and now he’s lost two of his closest mates. He buries himself into his studies and his grades actually do go a bit higher. 

 

He misses Christmas and every birthday again this year. His family drives up to see him and he can see the concern on his mum’s face but he pretends as well as he can. The twins are so much bigger now and he spends the weekend spoiling his sisters because he doesn’t know if he’ll go home next year either.

 

He doesn’t.

 

Two years gone by and he’s standing on the stage receiving his degree while his family and Zayn cheer from the audience. Anne and Robin had showed up too and Louis hadn’t let his smile falter as he hugged them and smiled at them.

 

Gemma hasn’t come.

 

When they go to dinner that night, his mum keeps saying how proud she is. She and Anne keep looking at each other and sobbing, he feels a strange sense of relief to see that at least he and Harry didn’t mess up their friendship too much.

 

Zayn is sitting beside him and he can feel his steady gaze on the side of his face the entire time.

 

“You know I’m not going to turn mental, Zayn.”

 

“You already are, Lou.”

 

“Touche.”

 

They stop whispering and go back to eating. No one brings up Harry. 

 

***

 

He sits down in the ratty, old chair waiting for the person to come out and meet him. Nick Grimshaw, the email had said. No description, no nothing just that - name and a place to be at 10 am. It is now close to 10:15 and still no sign of a Nick Grimshaw.

 

The girl sitting next to him is looking through a magazine while chewing gum rather annoyingly. Louis tamps down on the urge to comment on her chewing like a cow chews cud, and turns his head in the other direction.

 

The Radio One building is nothing like he’d imagined. Even though he didn’t have any delusions about people showing up wearing suits or anything but he hadn’t imagined everyone looking so relaxed either. The lad who’d walked by just now was literally wearing joggers and slippers.

 

He stares absentmindedly at the cluster of photos on the opposite wall and walks over to stand in front of it. There are a multitude of strange faces in the photos, most of them famous ones but there are still a few that are repeated in other pictures. He figures these must be the people working here, he does know some of them. Through his uber-sensitive sixth sense, he tries to see if he can figure out who Nick Grimshaw is just from that vague email.

 

His eyes roam over smiling faces and some silly ones with duck faces before they stutter to a stop over a face that used to be painfully familiar. He forces his eyes away and pulls back from the wall when someone clears their throat behind him. 

 

“Louis Tomlinson? Hi, I’m Nick.”

 

He turns around to find a tall bloke behind him, with a wilting quiff and tired eyes. He’s holding his hand out for Louis to shake and he takes it with a small smile.

 

“Alright?”

 

“Yeah, I’m good. You?”

 

“I’m good too, thanks.”

 

“So, we’re looking for - walk with me will ya - a fresh voice for a segment on the youth show we do, Switch. You familiar?”

 

“Yes, I used to follow regularly during uni.”

 

“Well, I used to be on that show before I got on the Breakfast show, it was great fun.”

 

“Right, so the email just said to come meet you but nothing else was really--”

 

“Why don’t we step into my office here? Well, cubicle really but still.”

 

He follows Nick quietly without answering him, honestly Louis thinks he’s trying too hard to be funny but he doesn’t want to upset a potential co-worker so he silently follows him.

 

“Right, so the email was written that way so you could come in unprepared. Like, I’m not about to send you into a warzone or anything.”

 

Nick is looking at him with an expectant smile and even though Louis didn’t find his little quip funny, he still gives him a small smile encouragingly. If Nick notices how fake it looked he doesn’t comment.

 

“But I did want was to see how you’d handle a spontaneous test. You applied to Radio One few weeks ago and we’ve just had a vacancy so if you’re up to par you’ll get a regular spot on Switch. And if all goes well, you’ll have a show of your own in a few years!”

 

He doesn’t like the sound of a few years but at least it’s better than working at Toys r Us or the stupid local radio channel he applied to last week. Nick pats his shoulder and leads him into one of the recording studios. He can feel a nervous thrum of energy rushing through him when Nick holds the glass door open for him and points to one of the chairs.

 

“Just sit down and relax, this is not live. I’m going to record a short session with you and we’ll play it over to see what’s what. Don’t be nervous.”

 

He nods his head and sits down in a huge chair and puts on the headphones Nick hands him. In the midst of all the computer equipment beeping and Nick chatting on about something, he’s trying to remember everything he’d learned in a classroom and everything he learned from his internship at Talksport. For some reason, he can’t remember anything.

 

It starts off well as Nick asks him a few questions, he can feel himself getting more comfortable as the time passes. He knows quite a bit about music thanks to Zayn and his degree in Music at U of London.

 

Nick seems pretty impressed when Louis can keep up the conversation with him, and even more so when he finally gets in his element and ribs Nick about his hipster tastes. Although he’s grinning at Louis, on radio it would sound like he’s genuinely upset at being called a hipster.

 

“--sounds like something you’d listen to on your way to yoga classes after getting out of the thrift store looking for headscarves.”

 

“I don’t go to yoga class.”

 

He snorts before he can stop himself, and Nick is glaring at him right now.

 

“On Tuesdays.”

 

He’s laughing before the words even leave Nick’s mouth and when he stops himself to look back up, Nick is laughing too. After that, it’s a constant banter about Nick’s indie tendencies and Louis’ inability to like good music apparently.

 

He’s in the middle of ribbing Nick about how he probably wears jeans tighter than Louis’ thirteen year old sister does when there’s a knock on the door and they both turn around to find a tall bloke standing there waving at Nick and pointing towards his watch. They stop recording then and as much as Louis wants to ask how he was, he feels like the dynamic between him and Nick is such that he shouldn’t.

 

It feels like he should be the dominant one here, stay silent till Nick speaks up on his own. Which is weird since he hasn’t even know the lad for an hour and he may not even see him again if he doesn’t get the job. While he’s in the middle of his musings, the tall bloke from before comes in just as Nick is putting the headphone back.

 

“So, who’s this?”

 

“Be nice, Greg, don’t just barge into rooms when people are working.”

 

“I knocked, didn’t I?”

 

“Oh please, we were in the middle of a test-recording. Anyway, I was almost done. This, is Louis - the new guy.”

 

He turns around abruptly to stare at Nick who walks right into him since Louis didn’t warn him that he was stopping. After Nick pulls back and has sufficiently glared at him, he nods towards the door and starts walking. Louis is still frozen on the spot,

 

“Are you coming or what?”

 

He follows Nick back to the cubicle room and the bloke is following them as well.

 

“Oh wait, this is Greg James. How rude of me! He currently hosts the drive time show, you’ll probably see some days when you’re in.”

 

“So I’m hired?”

 

“Yes, Tomlinson, I don’t really give tours of my workplace to random blokes off the street.”

 

Louis has a quip at the tip of his tongue but he bites it back when Greg offers him a hand to shake. Ten minutes later, Nick has shown him around the station and the room he’ll be recording in. He’s been handed a key and important paperwork to fill, and Nick has invited him to a pub this weekend to celebrate his new job.

 

Sitting on the bus, he still can’t believe he’s working for Radio One now. It’s not a big show but this is what he’s wanted all his life. A huge billboard outside the window catches his eye and a familiar sadness spreads through his chest as the face stares back at him, but he forces himself to look away. Zayn will be so happy when he hears.

 

***

 

He can hear Nick laughing hysterically at something and curiosity gets the better of him so he barges into the recording room even though he knows Tony will probably kill him if he hears. Nick turns around abruptly when the door closes behind Louis and a smile appears on his face immediately as he motions for Louis to grab a seat and hands him headphones,

 

“Well, look who’s here! Our good friend Tommo is in the room, what you upto?”

 

“Oh I was just looking around for Fincham, need him for something.”

 

“What’s this something, then? Is it like, top secret?”

 

“It is actually, if you must know. I’m working on starting a new segment during my hour and I’m looking for Finchie’s advice on something.”

 

“Is that why you’re here at this ungodly hour?”

 

“Yeah, I woke up super early today so I could catch you lot before you went home.”

 

“Okay, well tell us a bit about this segment then. Or is it a secret?”

 

“Well, it is but not really. Okay so, I was thinking it should be a phone-in or a text segment where like people could call and--”

 

“This is during your hour in the evenings or on Switch?”

 

“No, this is on my hour. I’m done with Switch next month anyway, mind.”

 

“So what should they call you about? I mean, the best thing you can advise people on is sarcasm, I think.”

 

“Have you quite finished?”

 

“I have, yes.”

 

“Okay well, you remember Zayn right?”

 

“I saw him yesterday just like every other week for months, Tomlinson. Yes I remember him.”

 

“Just checking mate. So we’ve been best mates for ages, right?”

 

He does feel the slight stab in his chest as the words leave his mouth but just like every other time, he pushes through.

 

“And we’ve been roommates since uni. So Zayn and I, we are the best team when it comes to pranks, if I do say so myself. Like, it was epic every time we planned a prank.”

 

“Don’t tell me you’re planning what I think you’re planning.”

 

“Well, here’s the thing - I am good at pranks and I think England deserves to learn from me and my experiences so yes, I’m going to say I am planning what you’re thinking.”

 

“So people are going to call in and ask you for pranking ideas?”

 

“Basically or they could share their ideas or the pranks they played on people and how that worked out. Or just, you know call in and talk about life or whatever.”

 

“Huh, that could actually work. I mean I’m terrified at the thought of people going around and following through with your crazy ideas but it could be fun.”

 

“Of course it would be, they have a photo of me and Zayn up in the dorm hall where we lived. We’re like, proper legends there.”

 

“Tell us a prank you played then, your epic experiences.”

 

“Alright well this was one wasn’t so much a prank as a dare but it was hilarious. We ended up being homeless at the end of it! So Zayn - the tosser that he is - dared me to eat a plant and this was third year at uni. We were sitting on the sofa watching FIFA and he goes ‘I bet you wouldn’t dare eating a plant!’ and he knows the way my brain processes that statement, he knew that my response to those words would be ‘Hmmm, actually I kinda would.’ and that’s exactly what I said.”

 

“Oh God, Tommo, don’t tell me you--”

 

“I did. There wasn’t any plants in our flat so I went downstairs and picked up the potted plant that was sitting on our landlady’s doorstep for three days and I brought it up to our flat. There were tears in my eyes at one point but I ate that stupid plant and then I couldn’t go to the toilet for two days.

 

But the real dare was when the old lady showed up at our flat and asked if we knew where the plant was, Zayn completely lost it and started sniggering. She just went past me and walked right up to him, while I was stood there behind her mouthing at him to shut up. And then she broke down crying and told us it was a native Australian plant that her daughter had mailed to her from Canberra and Zayn was just on the floor rolling around by then but thankfully he didn’t tell her.”

 

“Then what?”

 

“Then two weeks later she found the empty pot when she was cleaning up the flat for us because freaking Zayn didn’t want to leave the house and put the pot in the wheelie-bin like I had asked him to. He’s proper lazy, you’ve seen him. So anyway, she threw us out the next day.”

 

“That’s--I don’t know what to say. But this segment is going to be fun if that’s the kind of stories you’ve got. Other than the homeless part.”

 

“Well, it was an experience y’know. I mean Zayn and I did some really stupid things but like, I’d never trade those memories for a boring, steady college roommate, y’know.”

 

“Aww Tommo, are you going soft on me?”

 

“I just haven’t had tea yet, so this might be my inner Susan Boyle channeling.”

 

“Oh God, give me a minute to catch my breath, will ya?”

 

“I thought you said I wasn’t funny.”

 

“Why do you have to be such a--”

 

“Careful, don’t wanna lose your job over a swear word.”

 

Matt’s come back by this point, he settles down in the chair opposite Nick and starts talking over them both,

 

“Why’re you two bickering like a married couple?”

 

“Married--with this one? What’re--”

 

“Are you on something, Finchie?”

 

Matt just laughs while Nick and Louis are busy making gagging sounds. It’s nice, Louis can admit. In the beginning, he and Nick had had some heated arguments and many a punches thrown in drunken states but recently they’ve gotten better at just taking the piss out of each other every living second and being rude and or sarcastic rather than punch each other in the face.

 

He can admit that it’s almost a comfortable banter between them now, he still doesn’t like Nick very much and neither does he like Louis but they’re not at each other’s throats constantly like they used to be in the earlier days. They actually go out to pubs sometimes, with others mostly Zayn and Ed but they do.

 

Anyway, he should be doing his research and not disrupting a live show so he gets up from the chair and says good bye,

 

“Alright, I gotta go. Tony’s gonna kill me if he sees me here with you lot. I’ll talk to you lads later, bye!”

 

Back at his desk, he powers up his laptop and starts researching company policies at Radio One to see if his segment idea is actually viable. 

 

Turns out everyone loves the idea and a week later, Louis’ on air recounting the tale of that one time he had poured warm water on Zayn’s hand while he was sleeping and then stayed up all night watching him ‘cuz he’d heard somewhere that it makes people pee in their sleep. It’s magical, this job.

 

He’s drenched in ice cold water the second he opens the door to the flat the day he tells that story and Zayn is sitting at the dinner table glaring at him. Well, payback is a bitch he reckons.

 

***

 

Zayn sits him down three months later and tells him he wants Louis to move on. 

 

What.

 

“Move on from what? There’s nothing to move on from, I don’t--”

 

“Harry.”

 

There’s a name he hasn’t heard in ages. Mostly because he refuses to go home on free days and Zayn is banned from bringing it up, which he’s breaking the rule right now.

 

“You’re not supposed to say--”

 

“Shut up, Louis. Just, shut up for a second and listen to yourself.”

 

“I can’t listen to myself if I shut--”

 

“Would you please stop? For one second, just stop. I know you’ve buried it under layers of denial and suppression but don’t you think it’s been too long? I mean three years Louis, three years. He’s been--”

 

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

 

“Well, I do. Because you’ve been pushing it away and not addressing the issue, and I just--”

 

“What issue? There’s no issue here--”

 

“The issue is that you haven’t gone back to Cheshire in three years. You haven’t met Gemma, one of your closest friends, in three years. You haven’t spoken to her at all, haven’t gone and seen your parents and your sisters. It’s just, he’s gone--”

 

“Stop.”

 

“No, I will not stop. Your Mum is worried sick, keeps asking me about you like she’s afraid you’re gonna break or summat. To be honest, I’m not sure anymore. It feels like I’m keeping tabs on you and this is not healthy. I mean he’s rich and famous over there, sleeping around--”

 

“Zayn, if you go on I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive you.”

 

“Well, don’t. I can’t see this anymore, three fucking years and all you’ve done--”

 

“What? What have I done? I’ve finished my degree and I’m doing my dream job. So, I can’t go home yet because it reminds me of him. I can’t talk to Gemma because she can’t talk to me either after her brother left and we both know it had something to do with us. But we’ll get there, I’ll get there. 

 

I mean we cut a person out of our lives, well he did but it was hard. Pretending someone didn’t exist when he did, he does. I do stop walking sometimes when I see his face on a billboard, so sue me! But he’s a stranger, it’s a stranger looking back at me from those billboards. It’s fucking hard looking at that face to find a stranger staring back, when we went from strangers to best mates and back to strangers! I’m doing just fine considering the person I fell in love with when I was ten walked out of my life and never turned back. 

 

But I am fine now, Zayn. Don’t even think about him most days. So what more do you want from me?”

 

“You haven’t slept with anyone, except that one night we…”

 

“I don’t want to. When I find someone I want to fuck, I‘ll let you know.”

 

“It’s about that stupid facebook photo, isn’t it? The one that Damon--”

 

“No, it’s about me not finding anyone I want to fuck. That’s what it’s about.”

 

“So how long are you going to--”

 

“It’s not about him.”

 

“Are you really saying that to me right now?”

 

“I am. It’s true, I haven’t found someone I want to be with so excuse me if I am not hooking up with everything that moves.”

 

“Fuck you, Louis. Fuck you.”

 

“Zayn, I didn’t mean--”

 

“No, if you think that falling in love with someone at ten and then losing them gives you the right to look down at me because I’ve never been in love or because I enjoy sex, then fuck you.”

 

“Zayn--”

 

He storms out of the flat before Louis can stop him. They don’t talk for three days until finally Louis slips into Zayn’s bed in the middle of the night and apologizes. Zayn turns around and kisses him. 

 

Louis doesn’t stop him this time and they end up bringing each other off with tight grips and rough thrusts in the dark room.

 

They never talk about it.

 

***


	5. Harry - III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a detailed description of Harry being with an original male character, you can skip the description if you like probably won't miss anything important. Also, check out the links in the end-notes before you read. Cheers!

It isn’t until he hears a faint knock on his door that he jumps in bed. It gets more insistent so he gets up to answer and finds a bloke standing there with the biggest smile Harry’s ever seen in his life.

 

“Alright, mate? Heard there was an Englishman moving in, thought I might say hello to my brother.”

 

Harry smiles at the lad’s infectious grin, his Irish accent thick in his tone. In his tired, jet-lagged state he pulls the stranger toward him and that’s how he meets his new best mate.

 

Niall is one of the best people Harry’s ever met.

 

He brings Harry breakfast even though it’s after three in the afternoon and takes him to his own room where they spend the entire evening playing FIFA. For some time, he actually forgets about everything that’s shitty with his life. 

 

The next day they decide to go to the beach. Harry feels free when he sits down in the sand and all he can see is water. He catches himself thinking Louis would love to be here, and how his eyes would reflect the colours of the ocean perfectly. But he lies down in the sun and listens to Niall talk about how much he wants to be in a band.

 

He buys a postcard for his mum and dad from the beach shop and sends it home with his best regards. She’ll worry less if she knows where he is. 

 

The next week literally flies by as he spends hours learning how to play guitar from Niall. He says Harry has natural talent and that they should definitely start a band. The fourth day Harry wakes up to a bloke staring at his face with puppy eyes, he jumps away from the bloke and ends up on the floor.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just came in to see Niall and found you in his bed and I--”

 

“No, we just passed out last night. He’s probably in the--”

 

“Kitchen downstairs, I know. I’m Liam, by the way. You must be Harry?”

 

He nods silently while getting off the floor.

 

“He told me about you. Said he’s found the third member of the band.”

 

Harry stares at him confusedly because who is this person and what band. Niall choses this exact moment to enter the room with both hands full of plates of food.

 

“Oh, Hey Li. This is Harry, Haz this is Liam.”

 

That’s all he offers before settling down on the desk and stuffing his face with pancakes. Harry turns around to look at Liam helplessly who laughs at his expression but eventually decides to help him out.

 

“Niall and I have known each other for a couple months, we bunked together for a while. And we both moved here to take a gap year and at some point decided we wanted to form a band. We sent in demo tapes like crazy but every time we were told we needed another member, a strong voice. Niall tells me you’re the man.”

He just sits there looking at Liam because he’s not even awake yet and apparently he’s just joined a band. He falls back into the bed and stays there while Liam talks about making more demo tapes and practising. 

 

He still doesn’t know what’s happening because it’s all been a whirlwind but he finds himself in front of a microphone in a club downtown Sydney with Niall and Liam beside him singing their hearts out. It takes off like crazy after that, agents from big labels approach them and Harry is still trying to wrap his head around all of this when a letter arrives for him.

 

His Mum has written back. She is mostly angry at him for leaving like he did, telling him about how Robin was so worried and Gemma went to London to look for him. Apparently Jay and Daniel are pissed at him too, and then she says they’re all happy for him though. That whatever he decides to do, she’s right behind him. 

 

After all the anger and the emotional blackmail, she orders him to find a phone and call her soon. But she does say how she just wants him to be happy so he can take the year and do what he wants, should send his account information so they can send money.

 

In the end, she says Louis is worried too. His breath actually hitches when he reads the next words,

 

‘I know it’s about him. Maybe not entirely but I get the feeling he’s a part of this. Just know this Harry, that that boy really cares for you. And whatever you do, don’t hurt yourself. He is really worried, you know.’

 

That’s all he can think about the next few days and Niall and Liam catch on to his sad mood. Their solution includes going out drinking the next day and spending all the money they made from their gigs, Harry doesn’t object.

 

He drinks and dances with every last breath he’s got. Louis is not on his mind when he grinds against a tall lad and follows him into the bathroom. He’s not thinking about Louis when the lad kneels down in front of him and unzips his jeans. Louis is definitely not on his mind when he storms out of the bathroom stall leaving the lad still kneeling.

 

He drinks himself into oblivion that night and passes out before Niall and Liam carry him home. 

 

It becomes an easy routine, performing in big clubs then drinking everyone under the table and nearly passing out every night. He’s been in Sydney four months when he gets recognized for the first time.

 

He’s walking down to the diner where Niall’s waiting for him when a girl stops him and asks him if he’s Harry Styles. He nods dumbly and stares at her in amazement till she pushes a pen and paper toward him and asks him to sign it. 

 

He tells Niall when he gets to the restaurant and they both sit and giggle about it for ages. It’s like for the first time in his life, he’s being recognized for what he’s done, all on his own. And not being in someone else’s shadow.

 

They get signed on to Syco a week later and Simon Cowell personally flies in to see them. 

 

One Direction, that’s the name they decide on and it just escalates from there. Liam is forcing them both to wake up at six and go for runs before going into a studio to record. Harry’s actually signed onto a major label and he’s singing professionally.

 

At some point Liam suggests that they write their own lyrics. Harry immediately thinks of his journal and all the ill-fitting verses he’s written down over the years. He doesn’t share it just yet.

 

They release their first single and it goes viral worldwide. Just hours after release, they’re sitting glued to a phone waiting for someone from Syco to tell them if they’ve made it. The call comes in just as Harry and Niall were starting to drift off.

 

“You’ve made it lads! 37 countries, you’re No. 1 in 37 countries. You’ve really made it big!”

 

Harry’s jumping on the bed the second he hears those words, Niall right beside him as they yell at each other. A pissed off Jessica knocks on their door and glares at them till they apologize and promise they wouldn’t shout again. 

 

Harry will always remember this moment. Niall and Liam are clinging to him, completely suffocating him and he’s sure they’re all crying. 

 

This is the new beginning of his life. 

 

***

 

People have started to recognize them a bit now, most of these people are young girls who’ve seen the youtube videos they made in the beginning trying to find sponsors. A publicist from some management company Simon had recommended starts working for them and they try to keep a track of all the other people working with them as well.

 

But soon it’s too many people and too little time, it’s becoming harder to keep a track of who’s who as they start recording another single. Harry hardly ever gets time to talk to his mum and coupled with everything else, he’s losing his mind. 

 

They decide to go out for the night but Liam and Niall both say they’re too tired when the time comes so Harry dresses up and drives to the nearest club. After the third shot, he forgets where he is. There is a group of students he’s drinking with right now and at some point they walk to another club. Everything after that is a blur.

 

Simon’s yelling at him through the phone because Harry had gone to a gay club last night despite being told not to. Harry’s equally angry at being told to pretend something he’s not so in a moment of sheer idiocy, he yells back.

 

He actually yells back at Simon Cowell and then hangs up on him when he’s done yelling.

 

Liam actually has an anxiety attack when he hears about this. After he’s recovered, he forces Harry to call Simon and apologize to him. Before he can though, Niall tells them he’s got an email from Syco.

 

They want to release an album Christmas time this year. And they want them all to know that they’re okay with the boys being open about their relationships. 

 

That’s it, that’s the day they’re all in and never turn to look back.

 

Harry shares some of his lyrics and sits down with the band’s songwriter to make them into songs. They get into a hectic schedule of recording and performing live here and there. Things they hadn’t even anticipated are becoming routine now, interviews and promos and photo shoots. 

 

While he’s coming to terms with his newfound fame, Harry’s also balancing his personal life so to speak. His mum calls him twice every week now and insists on telling him what everyone’s up to. 

 

Just two weeks ago she’d called him in the middle of the night and screeched in his ear like a teenaged fan. 

 

“You’re famous--you’re, you, Harry you’re a singer! You--”

 

“Yes Mum, thanks for telling me.”

 

“Oh don’t make fun of me for being proud of you. I’m so happy Haz, so so happy for you. They play your song on the radio all the time and you sound lovely, all of you do. Oh I miss my baby so much. No matter how big and famous you become, you’re always gonna be my baby.”

 

He’s blinking back tears listening to the pride in her voice. He does wish he could see her right now, have her here and hold him but he knows he needs to make something of himself before he sees her again. There’s still a long way to go.

 

“Thanks Mum, I know. I love you.”

 

“I love you too, baby. I just, I’m so happy Harry. Are you happy?”

 

He doesn’t lie this time when the answer just flows from his lips.

 

“I am mum. Very.”

 

“Then I am too. Just take care, okay? And don’t let this get to your head. I know you’re more mature than me even but stay humble, alright?”

 

They talk for a bit more before he hears Gemma talking behind her and he makes up an excuse about Niall calling him. 

 

It’s been almost a year since he’s talked to Gemma. It’s childish he knows but he’s just not ready yet. He still doesn’t know what he’d heard in the kitchen that day and just how close his sister is to Louis but the thing is - he finds himself caring less and less every day.

 

So, he’s just going to wait for the day when he doesn’t give a fuck what Gemma and Louis are to each other. And maybe there will be a day when he won’t care about Louis at all. But it’s a long way away so till then he’s going to work hard and make a name for himself.

 

***

 

He does go back to England in October that year because Simon needs them all there. In London. 

 

Harry knows it’s a big city and the chances of running into one person are next to none but he does look over his shoulder when he gets to Heathrow. He keeps his head down during the whole car ride and till they get into the hotel room even though the windows are tinted.  
Liam notices and asks him what’s wrong.

 

“He’s here in London. Well, he used to be.”

 

Harry hasn’t told them anything about Louis. Liam had guessed that there was someone he was running from. Harry had tried to deny it but he knows that at the time he was running. 

 

That’s all they know. That there was someone, once.

 

“Are you afraid you’ll see him? Harry, London is huge--”

 

“We tend to get pulled towards each other. I just…”

 

“Don’t worry, okay? We just have to be here for three days, then we can go back.”

 

“Nick texted me earlier, said he was having a party at his. You want to come along?”

 

“Sure, I’ll ask Niall too. Listen, don’t worry about it and call your mum.”

 

He sits around his hotel room all day thinking how he’ll react if he sees Louis now. It doesn’t make sense, it’s such an irrational fear. He doesn’t even know if Louis is in London anymore. 

 

And out of all the people why would he run into Louis.

 

Why is he still thinking about this?

 

So, that’s how he ends up plastered at Nick’s Halloween party sandwiched between James Corden and Grimmy and telling them shitty knock-knock jokes. He doesn’t remember his fears or anything from the night at all the next day. Early meeting in Sydney means he has to fly back to Sydney before he could see His mum but in all honesty he’d never told her he was coming to London. 

 

She finds out when there’s a photo of him plastered across the Daily Mail’s front page. She never asks him about it.

 

***

 

They’re slaving off all day and late into the nights when their handler sits them down in his Conference Room and tells them about the tour. None of them expects it, they’re still pretty much struggling to grasp that they’ve made it. The announcement comes as a surprise and in their half-asleep states, they hug each other and mumble their agreement and then fall asleep in the car to the hotel.

 

The album comes out two days before Christmas and by the end of the day, thousands of copies have been sold worldwide. They fall asleep on the carpeted floor in their hotel room, the telly still on. 

 

When he wakes up the next day, he’s got an email waiting from Syco. It’s details about the tour that they’re starting in January and some sales records from the first day. It isn’t until he picks up his phone to check the time that he sees the date.

 

Even after almost a year apart, he still thinks of Louis every so often. His mum has stopped mentioning him now, and he still hasn’t talked to Gemma. He doesn’t think of all that usually now, there’re a lot of distractions. 

 

But even so, this is the first birthday they’ve spent apart since they met and he wants to jump onto a plane and fly back to London. Just wants to see Louis once and get a cake for him, he almost looks up plane tickets on his laptop before the reality of what he’s doing hits him and he closes it and throws it on the bed.

 

If he’s quiet all day, Niall and Liam don’t comment.

 

They don’t know about Louis but they know that he had someone. He still gets plastered some nights and starts talking about how he’d been in love with the same boy for over a decade only to have his heart crushed.

 

Niall says he hates that boy whoever he is, Liam holds him close as he cries. But tonight, he doesn’t hold anything back. He’s too far gone to lie or restrain himself,

 

“Met him when he was about six, and I was four. All I remember from that day is how he sat next to me and told me this terrible knock-knock joke and his laugh was so infectious that I forgot I’d lost my mum. Louis was, he was always so protective of me. That’s why it hurt when he lied to me.”

 

He can see the pitying looks Liam and Niall give him so he pushes on.

 

“It wasn’t all his fault, I know but he made me believe that I could trust him. Always. He’s the only real mate I ever had before you two and I just didn’t know how to make new friends, ever. I never needed anyone but him.”

 

“Well, you’ve got us now.”

 

“I have, and I love you both. But today is his birthday and this is the first time I’m not there since we were kids. I think I still love him.”

 

He passes out after that. Doesn’t know that Niall and Liam talk about him for ages after he’s fallen asleep. Doesn’t know that they decide they are going to take care of Harry and protect him from now on. 

 

***

 

His mum is angry at him when he tells her he’s not coming home for Christmas or New Year’s. She raises her voice for the first time with him and tears spring to his eyes as he holds the phone to his ear and pulls at his hair in frustration.

 

“And don’t think I haven’t noticed you and Gemma don’t talk either! I thought I’d give you some time but this is ridiculous, you’re her brother. You should know what she’s doing and she should know about you. Why are you doing this? She won’t tell me anything, Harry please.”

 

He wants to, he does but he just doesn’t know where to start. Everything is too complicated even in his own head.

 

“I’ll come sometime this year and then I’ll talk to her. I can’t right now.”

 

“Harry, what is happening with you two? And with Louis? Is he--”

 

“I haven’t talked to him since I left. I don’t want to either.”

 

“Is that why you’re not coming back? Because he hasn’t come back since you left either. You’re both--”

 

“Mum, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later. Merry Christmas.”

 

He disconnects before she can even wish him. Her words cutting into his bones every time he thinks of them.

 

He hasn’t come back since you left either. 

 

Liam finds him on the balcony half an hour later curled up on the deck chair with his shirt wet with tears. He doesn’t even ask him what’s wrong but just calls Niall and they head to the club downtown.

 

Ten minutes later, Harry is pleasantly tipsy and for Boxing day the club is rather packed. He shouts at Liam to tell Paul that they won’t perform in the UK this tour, Liam hugs him for a second before nodding his head and walking out the back door.

 

Harry hadn’t thought of it till now but after talking to his mum he knows that he’s not ready to go back there yet. And Simon had personally promised them that they won’t have to do anything they’re not comfortable in.

 

While he’s busy taking down shots of tequila, he feels a hand settle on his lower back and sliding down further before resting on his ass. For a second, he laments that it’s a huge hand and not a warm tiny one that would hardly cover half his waist. But then he turns around with a smirk on his face and finds a tall blonde lad staring at him with dark eyes.

 

Harry feels the lad’s other hand on his neck and he goes easily when he pulls Harry closer and whispers in his ear,

 

“I’m Damien.”

 

“Harry.”

 

“I know.”

 

He stares at the lad with raised eyebrows but the predatory look he sees in steel-gray eyes shuts him up. He rushes forward and pushes his lips onto Damien’s roughly. He feels a wet tongue on his lower lip just then and seconds later they’re both just panting into each other’s mouth while their hips collide in the middle and Harry feels his own hard cock touching Damien’s through the layers. 

 

He pulls back and leads Damien out of the side exit with a firm grip on his waist. Paul and another surly guard see them and rush over, Harry tries to side step them and get away but they pull him away anyway.

 

He can see flashes from cameras going off everywhere, knows he will be in the morning paper again but all he cares about is a warm mouth right now so he goes willingly when the guards pull him away from the cameras and push him into a tinted car, Damien right beside him.

 

Paul asks him where they want to go and Damien recites his address. With a single look, Paul warns him to be careful and then turns the car around and leaves. Harry follows Damien into a high-rise and the second the elevator doors ding closed behind them, he pins Damien to the wall and kisses him again.

 

They get to Damien’s flat somehow, leaving a trail of clothes behind as they stumble to the bedroom. Harry’s lying naked on a stranger’s bed with hot hands and a mouth on his body and all he can think about are bright blue eyes. 

 

He pulls Damien down and rolls them over so he’s on top as he thrusts his hips against Damien’s. Their cocks brush and the friction gets painful after a while so he slips on the condom that Damien throws toward him and thrusts in.

 

His first time is with a stranger and it’s rough and it’s fast. He pounds in hard and loud voices echo around the dark room, Damien moaning under him with each thrust. Harry doesn’t hold anything back, lets all his anger and frustration out and when he comes it’s far more satisfying than he ever imagined.

 

Damien’s lying motionless under him having cum quite a while ago, so he just rolls over and falls asleep. 

 

***

 

Liam’s rules about waking up early and going running means they’re used to waking up at five. But when he rolls over and finds a body next to him, it doesn’t feel like Liam or Niall so he snaps his eyes open and sees a bloke snoring softly next to him. 

 

He looks down and finds himself naked and half-hard, memory of last night comes trickling in. He gets up and finds his clothes mixed up with Damien’s, and he quietly makes his way out of the building. 

 

What he doesn’t expect is someone shoving a camera in his face as he’s trying to get his hair under control. Before he realizing what’s happening or turns away, the person has a couple of good photos so he just turns around and flags down a taxi.

 

Liam is sitting on the bed when he gets back, his face is a careful mask of nonchalance even though Harry can read the worry in his eyes. He tells Liam about Damien and how he’s not a virgin anymore. Liam silently gets up and hugs him and then tells him they’re not going to the UK anymore.

 

At some point during the day as they’re busy packing for the tour, Richard from Modest Management comes in and starts yelling at Harry about being careless. He throws a paper at his chest, there are photos of Harry plastered and trying to run away from guards on the front page with the caption,

 

‘Popstar’s wild night out.’

 

There are photos of Damien as well, and two of Harry leaving Damien’s flat this morning. He looks like he was fucking someone all night, his hair is a mess and his face is no better. There are marks visible on his arms where Damien had scratched him when he got a bit rough. 

 

Liam sighs loudly as he sees the photos as well, Niall just yells at Richard instead.

 

“It’s his life, he can do whatever he wants! You can’t hold it against him because it was a bloke and not a girl.”

 

Richard silently retreats after a hushed warning about being more discreet next time. They finish pack and get in the car to the airport to take them to Canada so they can start the tour. 

 

After that, it’s a different city every night and a different bloke. Harry’s lost count how many time he has fucked someone and how many time he has been fucked, but it’s nowhere near what the papers suggest.

 

According to them, he has fucked everyone in his ten-feet radius. Man or woman.

 

But honestly, he has only ever gonna all the way a few times. Most of the time, he’s too plastered to even fuck so it’s a lot of sloppy handjobs and blowjobs. Some nights the paps find him leading someone out of a club or sneaking out of someone’s flat but some nights he’s lucky and he doesn’t get caught.

 

The tour is amazing, it’s everything he didn’t know he wanted. When they get to the Asian leg of their tour, Syco contacts them about recording another album so they tour and record while travelling. 

 

Some days he wishes he could go back home and sleep all day, his Mum doesn’t call as often but he sends her postcards from every new place he goes to. He and Gemma still haven’t talked, Robin has started asking him about that too but he’s gotten so much better at deflecting and lying that it doesn’t bother him anymore.

 

His family on the road, Niall and Liam and some of the crew is taking great care of him. Lou is always there for him if he needs to talk to someone and Lux is the most precious thing he’s ever seen. When Lou asks him to be her godfather, he readily accepts and then spoils her rotten.

 

Liam falls in love with a new girl every month and then Niall and Harry take care of him. He’s one of those people who falls really quick but recovers really quick too. And despite of his heartbreaks, he’s up early every morning and forcing them up too. 

 

Niall has been listening to some BBC Radio show lately, and he never shuts up about the host. Tommo, his name is. Harry feels really uncomfortable when he hears that name for some reason, it seems familiar and yet he’s sure he’s never heard it. 

 

But when he wakes up to find a half-eaten sandwich in his mouth, he knows who to blame. Someone gets pranked at least once a day these days because Niall has been listening to that evil radio host who discusses pranks on live radio. What kind of a radio host does that? 

 

Harry lets him have his fun because no one is cruel enough to deny Niall anything, even Harry himself has walked into a room despite being aware of a prank because he didn’t want Niall to feel disappointed. They all listen silently as Niall praises Tommo all day long and keeps repeating his tweets even in his sleep. They’re all used to Niall bursting out laughing at random moments because he remembers one of Tommo’s jokes. Life is pretty great at the moment.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so these are some links about things in this chapter and this story in general. I hope they help!
> 
> Harry/Niall/Liam when the band started: https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRvBXNlSn0U87Re2L9SeU22AZ8lZFZDHECvmDGnJjPIHT3BevwcpQ
> 
> Harry/Niall/Liam now: http://www.contactmusic.com/pics/ln/20130820/200813_one_direction_premiere_27/niall-horan-harry-styles-liam-payne-one-direction-one-direction_3825456.jpg
> 
> Here's Harry on some red-carpet somewhere: http://dessertmeltdown.tumblr.com/post/85690415273/x
> 
> Here's some of the photos in the papers from those parties: http://hoechl-bear.tumblr.com/post/86158419954/harry-styles-a-little-party-never-killed-nobody
> 
> Pap photos from the night with Damien: http://hoechl-bear.tumblr.com/post/86158253224
> 
> And here's what a run-of-the-mill media report about Popstar Harry Styles looks like: http://hoechl-bear.tumblr.com/post/86158355254/harry-styles-and-the-art-of-seducing-men


	6. Louis - II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm pretty sure there are tons of things I've got wrong about Radio One but I hope you can overlook that. Also, I might've messed up the note on the last chapter because you do need to read the chapter since it's a continuation but you can skip the Harry/OC part. And there's a couple links in the end notes. Cheers!
> 
> PS-Another chapter coming tonight.

Seven months after starting his own segment on the evening show, Ben Cooper calls him into his office and asks him how he’d like to host the Breakfast Show four mornings a week as Nick takes over the Weekend Breakfast Show.

 

He accepts the offer and shakes Ben’s hand before walking out of his office and straight into a bathroom stall. He dials Zayn in a haze and tells him the news, and they go out to celebrate that night.

 

Everyone on twitter is talking about how the new host who took over from Grimmy is amazing, his follower count goes up by thousands and all of a sudden he’s getting invited to high-profile parties.

 

“Isn’t this great, then? Man, I miss being on the show though.” 

 

“Well, you can come back this week for a bit if you want.”

 

Nick is looking at him wide eyes as if he’s grown a second head, Louis just rolls his eyes at his surprised face.

 

“What? Consider this my charity for this year.”

 

“You’re actually just a big softie, Tomlinson.”

 

“Oi! Shut it.”

 

“Fine, I won’t tell anyone what a nice person you are under all that arsehole gift wrap.”

 

“Do you want to come or not?”

 

“I do, I’d love to sit around with you lot for a bit.”

 

“Alright well, show up whenever.”

 

“Thanks, Tommo. And to show my appreciation, I’m going to introduce you to all the famous people at this party, come on!”

 

And that’s how he meets James Corden and Simon Cowell and other people whose names he’s forgotten because he drank too much last night. After a while, it becomes normal for him to go to these parties with Zayn in tow and stand around with big names and take the piss out of Nick in front of all of them.

 

He’s living his dream now, hosting the Breakfast Show and having people hang on to his every word. Apparently, he’s got an army of followers on Twitter who love ‘Tommo’ and all his funny tweets. When he finds a Niall Horan among his followers, he conveniently unsees the name and forgets it ever happened. It doesn’t mean anything.

 

***

 

Nick shows up on random days sometimes and sits around chatting with him on the show. Today is one of those days and while Louis normally wouldn’t mind him being here, it’s just that the evil glint in his eye is making something uncomfortable settle in Louis’ gut. And sure enough five minutes after sitting down Nick ruins it all,

 

“So, I was doing some thinking--”

 

“Can anyone else smell burning flesh?”

 

“Shut up, Tomlinson. As I was saying, I was going through your twitter feed and apparently a lot of teenage girls want to--well, do things to you that are inappropriate for a family show.”

 

“Is there a point to this?”

 

“Other than humiliating you? Yes, actually. Many listeners hang on to your every word about music and what you like, but even more of them want to hear you sing--”

 

“No.”

 

“Just listen, will ya?”

 

“I’m not doing this.”

 

“Are you too chicken?”

 

“Nicholas--”

 

“I bet you wouldn’t dare to cover a song on the radio.”

 

He glares at Nick silently for a moment, contemplating whether he could be excused for a minute from the radio while he punches Nick in the dick. He figures no.

 

“Actually, I kinda would.”

 

“Alright! Tommo’s gonna sing, get in!”

 

“You don’t expect me to do it now, do ya?”

 

“No, no you can take your time. Practice over the weekend and I’ll let everyone know, promote it proper then you can sing on Monday.”

 

He gives Nick the finger because the bastard looks all too smug about it.

 

“For the benefit of the radio, Tommo is giving me the one-finger salute right now.”

 

They all burst out laughing while Louis sits there planning Nick’s murder in his head. The bastard leaves right after he’s extracted a promise from Louis that he will sing on Monday, with the listeners as witnesses and boy do they witness!

 

His phone is going mad, ringing every second with a notification as people tweet him to remember his promise and some song choices and the usual suggestive and rude ones. By the time he gets home, he’s so annoyed with his phone that he takes the battery out and sits out on the balcony with a beer, relaxing.

 

Zayn comes comes from work some time later and they get high for the first time since uni.

 

The neighbours complain around three a.m. because they’ve been sitting on the balcony for hours belting out tunes and playing Zayn’s ratty, old guitar that he doesn’t even know how to play properly. Louis spends the rest of the weekend cursing Nick and practicing his singing.

 

“Will you calm down, Lou? You’re a brilliant singer.”

 

“No, I’m not. You have to say that, you’re my best mate.”

 

“Actually that’s not how that works. You really are a good singer and it’s your favourite song which you made a demo reel of when you were 16, which was brilliant.”

 

“Yeah but what if they don’t like it? I mean, everyone’s been tweeting me and Corden mentioned it on his show and fucking Grimshaw’s been a walking advertisement the whole weekend.”

 

“Just think about this, you’re already doing the job you always wanted. This is just an added bonus, where you can share your favourite song with your listeners. They already love you, mate.”

 

He thinks back to those words when he’s sitting in the studio while the opening music of ‘Look After You’ by The Fray plays on air and he takes a deep breath before starting the first verse,

 

‘If I don’t say this now, I will surely break,  
As I’m leaving the one I wanna take.  
Forget the urgency but hurry up and wait  
My heart has started to separate’

 

He’s squeezing his eyes shut as the music plays slowly over the headphones and he thinks of the first time he’d sang this song.

 

Harry had been staring at him with big, wide eyes begging Louis to play him a song on the big, fancy piano they’d found at the holiday cottage the families were staying at on their holiday. Louis had been so nervous as he’d sat down on the small stool and splayed his fingers on the smooth polished wood and experimentally pressed down on a key.

 

Harry had sat down on the floor beside him, looking up at Louis with reverend eyes and the way he was biting his lip had made Louis decide what song he wanted to play. 

 

Harry had sat there with baited breath staring at Louis without blinking, and Louis remembers thinking this is all he ever wants from life. Giving Harry something to hold his breath for, having the privilege to give him something that makes him as blissed out as he looked just then. 

 

He had taken a deep breath before boring his eyes into Harry’s and singing the next verse without looking away once, it had been like walking on the edge. Letting all the restraint go for a few precious moments and letting his most private emotions shine through for once as he sang,

 

‘There now, steady love, so few come and don't go  
Will you, won't you be the one I'll always know?  
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around  
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down.’

 

He opens his eyes to look around the studio now to escape from the memory playing behind his closed eyelids. Everyone is staring at him with open mouths and wide eyes, he just looks away and down at his feet as he sings the last verse.

 

It’s dead silent as the last note fades out and in the small studio, it feels like his voice is still ringing. He’s still coming down from the high of singing the song he’d forced himself never to think about for almost four years.

 

He’s okay, absolutely great in his new life but this is something he can’t help but associate with Harry. And as much as he tells Zayn and himself otherwise, Harry is still as much of a raw nerve for Louis as he was four years ago.

 

While he’s still struggling to surface from the wave of nostalgia that’s bowled him over, Finchie starts clapping like a kid at circus. When he looks up surprised, he finds them all grinning at him and he’s pretty sure Fiona's eyes are wet as she gives him a thumbs up.

 

The phone is ringing off the hook after they cut to a break and suddenly Louis can’t breathe because Fiona and Matt are crushing him from both sides. He tries pushing them away with a frown on his face but eventually gives in to the group hug. 

 

When the break ends, they all have to rush to get to their seats and start talking. Louis takes a deep breath and dives back into the show,

 

“Alright, so that was me singing one of my all-time favourite songs ‘Look after you’ by the Fray. I hope it sounded alright and not like cats mating. Anyway, here’s another one of my favourite songs that’s topping the charts this week. Here’s Bastille with Flaws.”

 

Ian is motioning wildly at him and gesturing that there’s tons of calls coming in. He nods at him and turns away from Finchie and Fiona because they’re both staring at him with their chins on their hands looking like fangirls staring at some popstar in an interview. 

 

A bloke from Doncaster calls in and starts waxing poetic about Louis’ voice, so much that he completely talks over Louis. He’s absolutely blushing because Fifi and Finchie join Andy from Donny on the phone, talking pretentiously like they’re judging on the X-Factor and Louis’ a contestant.

 

All in all everyone loves his voice and after a couple of teenage girls rambling on the radio because they loved his voice so much, he ends the show with the promise that he’ll sing again sometime soon.

 

***

 

His Mum asks him to come home on Christmas and he makes up an excuse just like the last couple years. Dan tries convincing him and so do the girls but in the end, it’s decided that they’ll come to London for the weekend before Christmas and they’ll celebrate his birthday before going back to Cheshire for Christmas.

 

When he gets to the restaurant for dinner, he finds it dark inside and then pretty much everyone he knows in London jumps out at him with big smiles on their faces. Apparently Zayn had organised a surprise party for him and his family had been all too happy to join.

 

It’s a good feeling surrounded by warm faces, he hasn’t felt this kind of familiarity in a while. What he absolutely hadn’t expected is for Anne to show up. The second she walks in the door and Louis sees her, the first thought he has is how much like her Harry had always looked. 

 

It’s a sudden realization that takes him by surprise when he notices all the similarities between Anne and her son, mostly because he hasn’t thought about Harry on purpose in so long. This feels like looking at a ghost from his past and wondering where Harry is in life right now, what he’s doing this exact moment. 

 

His thoughts come to a stop when Anne walks over to him and kisses him on the cheek like she used to on birthdays. She smiles at him and sits down next to his mum. Louis feels a stab at his chest when he hears them talking about Gemma. He has to excuse himself before they bring up Harry, or before he hears something else about Gemma.

 

He’s standing on the roof looking down at the city when he hears footsteps behind him and turns around to find his mum walking toward him. She comes and stands close to him, her warm hand on his shoulder but she doesn’t speak for a while. He misses talking to her, he was always very close to his mum but moving to London has definitely made it hard to stay as close.

 

“Happy Birthday, love. I can’t believe you’ve turned 22!”

 

“Thanks Mum, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention it again.”

 

“It’s a good age, not too young--”

 

“Exactly.”

 

She’s quiet for a bit before she speaks again.

 

“I listen to your show every morning, you’re great.”

 

“Thanks Mum, but you can’t say I’m not good even if I wasn’t. Isn’t that like an oath all mums take before they hand you the baby?”

 

She smiles a little at him and grips his shoulder tighter.

 

“But you are great, everyone thinks so. I’ve had so many people ask me if I can get them an autograph. There was a girl in Lottie’s grade who took a photo of your pictures at home and put them on her facebook. It was a nightmare really, getting her to take them down.”

 

“Oh God, why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“You’ve got enough worries as it is. Lottie was so upset with her, she loves her big brother so much.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Mum. I’d love to come home for Christmas but…”

 

“Reminds you of him?”

 

He doesn’t know what to say to that. It is part of the reason why he doesn’t want to go. But another part is that he’s not the same person anymore, he’s not the same Louis that walked away from that place years ago. And he doesn’t know if he would fit there now. 

 

Then there’s Gemma and all of Harry’s family. He doesn’t know how to be around them. Doesn’t know if Harry ever comes home, if he and Gemma talk now. He wouldn’t know how to walk past Harry’s house and pretend like it isn’t the place where he has half his life's memories. 

 

“It’s…”

 

“It’s okay, boobear.”

 

“I’m sorry, Mum.”

 

“It’s alright. But do you think someday…?”

 

He looks up at her with honest eyes, every single emotion he’s feeling reflected in them. She silently leans down and kisses his temple before walking back downstairs. 

 

***

 

Christmas is a bit depressing in their flat. Zayn decided to stay in London as well so they’re both star-fished on the lobby floor with a half decorated tree in the corner and a bottle of rum between the two of them.

 

Louis doesn’t want to talk about what Zayn wants to talk about, which is basically why Louis won’t go home on Christmas or why he was very subdued during his surprise birthday party. Louis doesn’t want to tell him that Harry’s mum was there so he puts the radio on on his phone and blasts the volume.

 

It’s all going great, peaceful silence in the room except for the Christmas songs and Zayn’s breathing next to his ear when the radio presenter starts talking about something Louis doesn’t really want to hear. And he can’t turn down the volume because that would give Zayn another reason to force the conversation, so he shuts up and pretends like he’s alone in the room,

 

“--going on a world tour, your third. And this time, I noticed you’re going to England as well. You’re all from England, right?”

 

Louis’ breath catches in his throat when he hears those words. He doesn’t follow the band or anything but he lives in the same world as One Direction and it’s near impossible to not hear about them every corner you turn. That, and he’s a radio host who talks about music so there’s that. Even though he’s never played any of their songs or bought an album and probably doesn’t even know which of the songs he’s heard are theirs, he does stumble upon conversations about them once in a while but it's to slip away from those if people already think you're a rude person. So yeah, he doesn't know much about them.

 

“I’m from Ireland but Liam and Harry are both from England, yes.”

 

He can’t pretend he doesn’t know who’s speaking. Niall follows him on twitter and his follower count had gone through the roof when the lad had started following Louis. Although, he thinks it’s someone called ‘TheTommo’. Louis doubts Harry knows that Niall follows him, or that Harry’s told anyone about him. If he even thinks about him at all. 

 

Damnit. See, this is a slippery slope.

 

“Right, so is there a reason why you didn’t go to England last year or the one before?”

 

He’s still on the floor, absolutely still. Even his rushing blood seems to have slowed down to hear the answer.

 

“If Harry were here, he’d tell you himself but I guess I can say it. What he always said is that he’ll go back when he’s made something of himself. Last year, we were still learning and getting used to this and the year before that we didn’t even know what we were doing. Now, we’re mostly used to the fame and our new album is more like us and what kind of people we are than what we were told to do. So, this year he says he’s ready to go back.”

 

“Wow, that’s a really heavy answer there! So, are you excited to go back then?”

 

“Oh, we’ve gone back before to see family and stuff, just never performed there. But it will be nerve-wrecking to perform especially if our families decide to join.”

 

“Yes, that can be quite the pressure. So this new album, how would you say it’s different than the first one?”

 

“Well, we’ve worked hard on both of them but this one is more us, I guess. Like, Harry gave almost all of the lyrics for this one and I’m just amazed at that boy everyday. If he were here right now, he’d just be modest and say he wrote some of them but honestly, that journal of his that he carries around I bet we could make a couple more albums out of just that!”

 

Zayn turns the radio off after that, Louis’ staring at the ceiling anyway so it doesn’t even matter. 

 

He’s coming back.

 

***

 

So maybe he's a bit overwhelmed, maybe he’s on a bit of a rush. Zayn thinks definitely but he’s not so sure yet.

 

After Christmas eve, he’s been a bit edgy if he does say so himself.

 

It’s like, he can’t escape One Direction wherever he goes. There are posters of their tour all over London and literally on every bus and every wall. He can’t walk down the street without a massive billboard with Harry’s face staring at him. 

 

Everyone at work keeps talking about them and how they’re trying to get interviews with the band, Louis silently studies the walls during these conversations. Their songs have taken over radio, the papers are full of pap photos from the tour and what not. 

 

Every time he turns the telly on, some second-rate reporter is talking about how Harry Styles is sleeping with every person within a ten foot radius of him. How he’s always drunk at parties and then stumbling in the streets afterward with his security team trying to contain him.  
Some talk about how there’s definitely something going on between Niall and Harry or Liam and Harry. Louis wonders if Harry ever gets tired of all the speculation.

 

But then the lady starts showing photos of Harry with fans and how he’s polite and charming just like Louis remembers him. It’s too much, he turns off the telly. 

 

As much as he’s tried to avoid following the band or reading about Harry, he’s had his fair share of exposure. He knows some of the people he’s been linked to, instances of him being drunk at award shows.

 

Most of all, he’s seen a photo or two of Harry where he’d looked different from the Harry he knew. It was about a year ago and it was on a huge billboard in Central London, promoting their first album.

 

Harry was wearing a dark dress shirt under a dark suit jacket. His cross necklace that Louis remembers Anne gave to him was showing underneath his unbuttoned shirt. His hair was entirely different than how it used to, it wasn’t falling across his face like it used to. And his eyes were not as green as Louis remembers them, they weren’t nearly as bright as they used to be. 

 

He’d stuttered to a stop in the middle of the road because this person he was looking at was a complete stranger. 

 

This wasn’t the Harry he knew. He wasn’t smiling, his beautiful eyes weren’t as shiny as they used to be and he didn’t seem like his Harry.

 

He’d realized with a start that he didn’t know this person at all. And ever since then, he’d stopped looking at billboards. He had stopped listening when someone started talking about Harry Styles. 

 

Christmas day was an exception and he’s not sure if he regrets knowing that Harry’s coming to England or if it’s better this way. 

 

In a fit of emotions rendering him a little disoriented, he makes a bad call at work. While no one has ever said anything offensive about his sexuality at work, there is a clear rule that as a radio host everyone has the right to refuse to talk about their personal life or sexuality with a listener.

 

He gets a call in about a prank someone played on a mate of theirs, 

 

“So I just like, told them that I was so bi. I mean, the whole thing was an informal meeting, like a potluck thing and we were sat in a group so I just said I am bi as you know like, to have something interesting to talk about. And then there was this friend of mine there too and I like, started talking about how she used to be super thin and like, I was just talking about her body in general and she stormed out. I mean, it was just a joke. I didn’t mean to offend anyone, I don’t even get why she--”

 

He’s been clenching his fist for as long as this caller has been talking, and he’s trying to hold his anger in but what with his already heightened emotions he interrupts her when he can’t listen anymore,

 

“Okay but have you considered this, she is a friend of yours and you started talking about her body in a group without her consent. She must have felt so uncomfortable sitting there listening to you--”

 

“But I’m not really bi, she knows that. So then--”

 

He’s trying so hard to keep the bitterness out of his voice, can see Ian gesturing to cut the call but he ignores him and goes with his gut.

 

“For a second, just consider this. You said you were bisexual to grab the attention of this group you wanted to fit into. In reality, there are thousands of teenagers and even older people who are struggling with their sexuality. There’s a fourteen year old kid somewhere in the world sitting with a razor to their wrist right now because they can’t accept themselves, because they’re struggling to cope.

 

There’s someone in the world somewhere who cuts themselves everyday because they think they deserve the pain, because their father talks about 'fags' at the dinner table and they sit there feeling disgusted with themselves and can’t look themselves in the eye when they look into a mirror. People suffer because of the way we as a society fail these people everyday, just because their sexuality or orientation is different than the norm we've made. And I'm not saying this as a gay man, I'm saying this as a human being. As a person.

 

This is a real issue, it’s a sensitive one and you said you were ‘so bi’ because you wanted to look interesting. You made your friend uncomfortable because you wanted to seem cool. I mean, I don’t get how you don’t see the problem here.”

 

He doesn’t wait for her to respond and cuts to a song right after he’s finished. His blood pressure is through the roof, breaths coming in shallow pants as everyone in the room stares at him. Thankfully, it’s almost the end of the show so he finishes quickly and rushes home right after without stopping to talk to anyone.

 

Zayn gets home early from work when he hears what happened from a co-worker and finds Louis asleep on the sofa with the telly still on. He waits a bit for Louis to wake up, a million things rushing through his mind as he goes to Louis’ twitter to see how people are reacting to his little outburst this morning.

 

“Hey, you’re home early.”

 

“Yeah, I wanted to check on you. Alright?”

 

“Yeah, why would--oh.”

 

“Someone at work told me, said your friend almost bit off a teen’s ear--”

 

“I was pissed, she fucking--”

 

“I know, I heard.”

 

“How bad is it?”

 

“Actually, it’s not. It’s pretty good, most people are talking about how you gave a perfect answer to someone who was ignorant. Some people have gone so far as to say that you should be like, in a committee or summat--”

 

“What about homophob--”

 

“Not many, but there are always some. But honestly, people on twitter are going mad about you. It was very brave, Lou. I’m really proud of you.”

 

He pulls Louis into a hug and holds him for a little while longer than usual because he knows the whole Harry thing is taking a toll on him, even if he doesn’t share. They order curry and rice and watch footie the rest of the day. 

 

Next day when he gets to work, Nick actually hugs him for a second - just one second, but it’s more contact than they’ve had in the two years they’ve known each other - and tells him he thinks Louis is a good person even though he’s usually a dick.

 

Louis never gets called to Ben Cooper’s office to be reprimanded, Ian never gets mad at him either. Instead, they take him out to the pub that weekend and they all talk about how he’s become a bit of a hero for the young'uns. He just smiles and changes the topic.

 

He’s still getting supportive tweets and nice phone calls a week later, people calling in and telling him how he’s helped them and a few say he’s saved them. He doesn’t know what to do with that, not sure if he deserves all this praise. So he’s grateful when Nick says he wants to drop by, at least there will a change of topic because Nick sure as hell would never praise him willingly. He couldn’t be more wrong,

 

“So Tommo, you’re a bit of a legend around here now--”

 

“Stop.”

 

“--must be really proud. Oh come on, I’m being nice here!”

 

“Exactly, I’m not used to you being nice. Anyway, let’s talk about the new song--”

 

“Okay, so new albums. What’d you think of the new One Direction album? Don’t think I didn’t notice the deflection, by the way.”

 

“I uh, I haven’t heard any songs from it so--”

 

“What? What world are you living in? Fifi, what’d you think?”

 

“I think it’s brilliant, I mean some lyrics are still a bit childish but like, they’re a boyband so it’s alright. But some of the lyrics are just, I mean they’re so deep. And--”

 

“You’re just really into Harry Styles, aren’t you?”

 

Louis is stunned for a moment, too surprised to speak because this is his show and it’s not supposed to be--

 

“I do fancy him but so does the rest of Britain. I mean he’s so charming and polite, when I met him last year in LA he was a perfect gentleman.”

 

“Well, Harry is a charmer, isn’t he?”

 

“You know him really well, don’t you Grimmy?”

 

Louis’ eyes snap toward Nick when Fiona asks him that, he feels like he’s in someone else’s body staring at these people he thought he knew. This is all escalating so fast without his participation and he doesn’t know how to stop it.

 

“I do, yeah. He stayed over at mine when he was last in London.”

 

He’s absolutely lost here. Harry knows Nick. He stayed over at Nick’s house. Louis’ been to Nick’s house. What.

 

“So Grimmy, give us the dirt. Is he really like how they say he is?”

 

“No, he’s a great kid. Just got too famous too fast, he didn’t even plan on singing did you know that?”

 

Yes, he does. He knows that Harry had wanted to go to school for Business and Law and not become a popstar at 18. 

 

“Well, he certainly made it big, didn’t he? Now, he gets to party whenever he wants and with all the famous people.”

 

“He’s actually really fun at parties, the media image aside. I mean I remember we got plastered at Halloween last year and he was twerking like Miley Cyrus, everyone was in tears.”

 

This is not his life. All the walls he had carefully constructed are coming down, this is such a clash of past and present. He wants to unhear all of this, unknow things about Harry that he didn’t already know.

 

He wants to go back to denying that Harry exists somewhere in the world.

 

“Is he really a lightweight, though? I mean there’s always photos of him stumbling around after parties, is he really that--”

 

“He’s really good at holding his liqour actually, probably because he mixes an entire can of juice in his drinks.”

 

He’s not aware that he’s talking but that’s his voice and those are his words that have stunned everyone into silence, they’re all staring at him now.

 

“Tommo, do you know Harry?”

 

Does he?

 

Nick is looking at him curiously, with an edge of something that says ‘Why didn’t you tell me you knew him? Why didn’t he tell me he knew you?’. Louis looks away and tries to come up with an answer,

 

“I uh…”

 

We used to be strangers, then we became best mates and now we’re strangers again. We’re not friends, we’re just strangers who share some memories.

 

Fiona cuts in when she sees that he’s not going to answer, “Well either way, his lyrics are brilliant. I think we should play one of their songs, haven’t played one in so long.”

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'We're strangers who share some memories' - Frank Ocean. 
> 
> So, was that any good? Here's some links you could use:
> 
> The billboard of Harry's that Louis described: http://hoechl-bear.tumblr.com/post/86519262924
> 
> Harry/Niall in some interview: http://hoechl-bear.tumblr.com/post/85740638509/x
> 
> http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ly6rihKSW31r4rozvo1_500.jpg
> 
> This would make a nice billboard ad for a watch maybe? I dunno: http://24.media.tumblr.com/9c42f21f4793529feeb4ac0ac89ffb38/tumblr_n5qqvigcfu1tud8d9o1_500.jpg
> 
> Here's the Harry's a nice guy news report: http://hoechl-bear.tumblr.com/post/86519332694/thevintagelizard-bless-his-dear-heart
> 
> This would be on those media reports about Harry/Niall being together: http://hoechl-bear.tumblr.com/post/86519308199/4-27-peru
> 
> And this: http://hoechl-bear.tumblr.com/post/86519225989 
> 
> Maybe they did a tour video: http://hoechl-bear.tumblr.com/post/86519289314
> 
> I just really like these gifs!


	7. Louis - III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm definitely a liar who didn't post when I said I would. Anyway, here goes!

By some miracle of God Nick doesn’t bring up Harry again. Maybe something in Louis’ reaction triggered it but either way he’s more than happy to go back to the Harry-oblivion that he’s been in for years.

 

Listeners keep tweeting him to sing regularly on his show, the youtube video on Radio One’s channel of him singing has close to half a million views and it’s only been up for two weeks or so. 

 

They are all out tonight at the pub near the station and after a hectic week of planning for the Big Weekend, they’re all tired and ready to drown themselves in pints. Nick has to work in the morning so at some point they decide to take the party to Zayn and Louis’ place since they live close to the station and the pub.

 

They’ve all been here before so no one is awkwardly standing by the door or anything, Nick is actually rifling through their fridge right now while Louis stands behind him with a hand on his hip.

 

“You done digging your way to China?”

 

“If you had good beer, I wouldn’t have to dig.”

 

“We have a cooler, you tosser! Zayn’s bringing it into the lobby.”

 

Nick grins at him and practically skips toward the lobby at the promise of beer. Louis catches himself rolling his eyes, because it’s a fond gesture and no he is not fond of Nick fucking Grimshaw.

 

After several rounds of drunken games and sloppy kisses, they all settle down a bit. Nick puts his phone on speaker and starts playing his indie songs. Louis would never admit it but they’re good, some of them. They’re all spread out over the carpet, star-fished every single one of them as soft music plays in the background.

 

“Is there a single song on there by a mainstream band?”

 

“I don’t need music advice from you, thanks very much.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“You’ve never even heard any of--"

 

Whatever Nick was supposed to say is abruptly cut off when Fiona starts talking over him.

 

“I’m so looking forward to the Big Weekend.”

 

Everyone is silent as a new songs starts and Louis finds himself listening intently to the tune. It’s addictive, the lyrics are somewhat cheesy but he catches himself mouthing along to the bridge. 

 

Nick notices him humming and raises his eyebrows at him, Louis stares back because he can hum along to any song he wants to. And he will sure as hell never be judged by Nick Grimshaw about it.

 

“What band is that?”

 

He feels Zayn tense up next to him when he asks Nick after the last note of the song fades out. Before Nick can answer, Zayn moves closer to him and answers. 

 

“It’s an Australian band, really young lads. They cover a lot of songs, 5 Seconds of Summer the band is called.”

 

His voice seems a bit tight to Louis but he just shrugs it off. If he didn’t know better, he’d think Nick is tense against his other side too.

 

“The lyrics are pretty sweet if a bit corny. I might do a cover of this song next week.”

 

Okay, something is definitely wrong because the second he says that Nick and Zayn both sit up as if shocked. Fifi makes a noncommittal sound in her throat before sitting up as well. She looks like she’s glaring at Zayn and Nick both. Louis is so lost.

 

He thought they all wanted him to sing.

 

“You don’t have to make sour faces, Jesus. You could just tell me I suck at singing and I won’t--”

 

“This is a great song, but the original version is a bit slow. I think you should sing the cover version.”

 

Nick is very weird around him after that particular conversation and even after almost two years of knowing him, Louis doesn’t remember him ever behaving like this. They still lie around the house in various degrees of sleepiness till Nick’s phone alarm goes off and he bids them goodbye to run to the station for his show. 

 

Louis lingers a bit on why everyone was so weird around him when he mentioned covering that song. But then he chalks up to drunken behavior and rolls over in his bed.

 

The whole weekend passes by in a blur of practising the song he’s going to sing and planning for the Big Weekend. Louis’ left more than a bit confused because the entire weekend Zayn has been making faces and pretty much wincing non-stop whenever he hears Louis singing and yet he refuses to tell Louis if he sucks at singing.

 

“You’re a brilliant singer, Lou.”

 

“Is it the song then? I can do the original version?”

 

“No, this version is better.”

 

He says it in such a rush that Louis physically steps back. Zayn is staring at him with narrowed eyes and Louis doesn’t know just what the fuck is wrong with him.

 

“Are you high?”

 

“What? No, I’m not high. Are you?”

 

“Zayn what the fuck is wrong with you, mate? You’ve been acting so weird all weekend.”

 

“Nothing’s wrong with me. Just go to bed, you have to wake up early for work.”

 

“So I should sing this song tomorrow, right?"

 

Zayn nods at him and pulls him into a hug before rushing off to his room. Louis’ left standing in the lobby dumbfounded because since when does Zayn hug him before going to bed?

 

He shrugs it off and falls asleep to strange dreams of a time long gone. 

 

***

 

Fiona is chatting his ear off about the Big Weekend and how she’s going to meet all her favourite celebrities while Ian looks on bored. It’s a good show today what with the anticipation about Glasgow and the festival and listeners calling in with their prank ideas.

 

When a girl from Wolverhampton calls in to thank Louis for saying what he said to that person weeks ago about lying about their sexuality, Louis thanks her and quickly announces that he’ll sing another cover after the break.

 

He was planning on singing at the end of the show and surprise everyone, even Fiona didn’t know he was going to sing today. But the girl’s heavy voice and the sadness, the way her voice had broke while talking makes him want to make her happy. 

 

Ian rushes around to get the music for the song set up, Louis settles comfortably in his seat waiting for the break to be over. Fiona comes to his seat and kisses his cheek gently, wishing him luck.

 

He’s nervous as all hell while waiting, the first song was one he was familiar with. This one he hasn’t sang it to an audience ever - well, except Zayn but he doesn’t count - and he hasn’t even heard the original version which is really making him agitated right now. Why hadn’t he? Goddamnit, why hadn’t he? 

 

“Alright, so Tommo is gonna cover another song today and it’s taken a lot of work on all our parts to convince him! Keep in mind, he hasn’t even heard the original version of this song, so this is a cover of a cover. Over to Tommo!”

 

Fiona is holding her thumb up as she finishes talking and Louis is most definitely having second thoughts but he thinks of the girl who just called and everyone else who’s been begging him to sing so he takes a deep breath.

 

‘You don't understand, you don't understand  
What you do to me when you hold his hand.  
We were meant to be but a twist of fate  
Made it so we had to walk away.’

 

He closes his eyes and forgets everything and everyone around him as he lets the words slip out of his mouth. Through the first verse he is nervous, he calms down a bit through the chorus and the second one but by the time he reaches his favourite part of the song, he can feel all the tension bleed out of his bones. 

 

‘It's four A.M. and I know that you're with him.  
I wonder if he knows that I've touched your skin.’

 

Something familiar stirs in him when he says these words, a silent part of him wakes up as if remembering a long forgotten memory. He is absolutely not thinking about newspaper headlines or grainy photos on the internet on gossip sites. 

 

‘And if he feels my traces in your hair  
I'm sorry, love, but I don't really care.’

 

Why do these words feel so familiar, when he’s never heard them before he heard the song? Why does it feel like he could have written these lyrics if he had wanted to. If he had allowed himself to? 

 

He buries these thoughts and keeps singing, flitting images behind closed eyelids of a time long gone. Running around as kids, growing up beside that person and learning everything there was to learn about love. 

 

'You know I wanna be the one to hold you when you sleep.  
I just want it to be you and I forever.  
I know you wanna leave.  
So come on baby be with me  
So happily.'

 

They cut to news right after he finishes so he’s got a few minutes to get himself under control. Fiona rushes over and hugs him from behind before he’s even opened his eyes, he goes willingly. It’s an awkward few minutes after everyone’s said how good he sings and he just sits there thanking them and getting his mask back on that nearly slipped.

 

He hasn’t thought of Harry like that in years but for some reason this song and everything else at work keeps taking him back. He gets back on the show and gets through the half hour somehow.

 

His phone is blowing up when he turns it on after getting out of the station. His Mum calls and says she is so proud of him and that he should consider singing as a career, he laughs at her. Even Lottie texts him to say how she has the best brother in the world, when he’s not being a prick. 

 

His twitter follower count climbs even higher, for some reason a lot of teenage girls are following him now. Zayn’s sent a text saying he’ll bring take-out to celebrate. Louis doesn’t even know what’s there to celebrate.

 

So, he sang a song on his show and people liked it. No reason for all this attention.

 

He usually only tweets funny things and jokes but for some reason today he wants to thank everyone for their support and all this love he’s not sure he deserves.

 

The Tommo @Tommo_RadioOne 2m  
Thank you everyone for all your love and support. Wouldn’t be here without it! Z and my mum think I should be a singer now! Haha xx

 

He starts looking for something to eat while his phone is vibrating continuously on the kitchen slab, there’s rice left from last night so he heats it up and settles in front of the telly. Zayn calls him just as he’s almost figured out who the murderer is on the show.

 

“Couldn’t you call at a convenient time?”

 

“Piss off. Have you checked your twitter?”

 

“Why?”

 

“Do it.”

 

“It’s been blowing up so I put it on silent. Some of those girls need to calm down, they’re like 12 years--”

 

“Just do it. And be nice.”

 

He hangs up before Louis can even ask him why he needs to be nice. Not that he’s not nice usually. Exactly what is Zayn implying? He puts his internal monologue on hold when he sees his follower count, just what is happening.

 

He’s got 2 million followers.

 

What.

 

Nick is going to kill him because his million followers are his pride and joy and he loves rubbing that in everyone’s faces. He is definitely going to kill Louis.

 

Also, how the fuck has he got 2 million people following him? 

 

Then, he sees it.

 

Niall Horan @NiallOfficial 22m  
You’re a great host and an even better singer! Should definitely try singing! Good choice of song, btw ;)

 

He stares down at the screen, absolutely numb. He might not follow the band but he knows just how big they are. Niall’s got 18 million followers on twitter, that should be a sign of just how big they’ve made it. And it seems like half of those followers have favourited this tweet of his. 

 

Only some of these replies don’t make any sense, many of them sound like they’re sharing an inside joke with the singer. Louis doesn’t really know how to handle this. 

 

Niall said he could be a singer and that he’s a great host. So that means he must listen to the show. Well, he has been following Louis on twitter for about a year so that’s something. He sits in front of the telly, the show all forgotten as he thinks of an appropriate response. 

 

Maybe he should just ignore it.

 

His sisters will definitely kill him for ignoring Niall Horan, if Zayn doesn’t get to him first. 

 

The Tommo @Tommo_RadioOne 1m  
Thanks for the kind words, mate! But I don’t think I could sing other than once in a while on radio. And the cover of the song was good, haven’t even heard the original tbh! 

 

There. That sounds good. Right? 

 

Zayn is calling him the second the tweet is uploaded. Louis wants to fling his phone into the ocean but he picks up anyway.

 

“Did you have to tell him you haven’t heard the original? Why does he need to know--”

 

“Haven’t you got government property to deface?”

 

“I don’t deface--”

 

“Yeah, yeah I know. Just go do something else other than crushing my balls with your metaphorical fist.”

 

“I’ll be crushing them with more than that when I get home.”

 

Zayn hangs up before Louis can ask him why he’s even angry. Man, no one listens to him ever. Everyone wants to yell at him and ask him questions but no one hears his answers. 

 

He is an adult, he doesn’t need anyone godamnit.

 

Niall Horan @NiallOfficial 2m  
Haha you’re funny, mate! Might want to hear the original, I hear it’s good. :P

 

He doesn’t know what to make of that or the random emojis, and why are so many people retweeting this? This isn’t even a good tweet, like there’s nothing in this tweet that should make people want to retweet. Other than Niall calling him mate. Huh.

 

He sighs and pushes the phone away from him, going back to the telly. He’s got a long week in front of him before Zayn and he have to fly out to Glasgow for the Big Weekend, he doesn’t have the time or energy to deal with famous popstars.

 

***

 

He wakes up when Zayn slams the front door behind himself, and walks toward the sofa looking at Louis like he’s judging him for everything he’s ever done in his life. He had apparently fallen asleep with his phone beeping ceaselessly in the background. Zayn puts two bags from the sushi place on the table and is right now standing with his hands on his hips, looking down at Louis.

 

“What?”

 

“Twitter’s been going mental, people have been calling in to radio all day, they are actually taking a poll at BBC 1 on whether or not you should start a singing career and you’re drooling all over the sofa.”

 

He’s not awake enough to be able to process all of that so he’s going to be a prick and pick the path of prickdom.

 

“So you’re mad cuz I’m drooling?”

 

“Why are you my best mate? Out of all the people I could’ve picked…”

 

Zayn walks away toward the kitchen mumbling to himself and comes back with two plates while Louis sits up and stretches out the kinks in his back. He doesn’t reach for his phone at all because that way lies madness.

 

Zayn settles down next to him and hands him a plate of food, Louis’ aware that he’s expected to talk but he turns the telly on and pretends to stare at the screen. Zayn is silent next to him, watching the show perhaps but it seems like he’s just giving Louis time because every once in a while he turns to look at the side of his face. After about ten minutes it seems he’s had enough,

 

“Are we going to talk about how a member of the biggest band in the world tweeted you today?”

 

“What’s there to talk about?”

 

“I don’t know, let’s see. We could talk about how he’s been following you on twitter for over a year or about how he’s a fan of your show or that he thinks you could be a singer. How about we talk about how he’s in a band with the boy you’ve been pining over for about--”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Fine what? You have a real chance of making it big, Louis. I mean I always knew you wanted to be in radio that’s why I didn’t say anything about singing but now everyone knows and--”

 

“Are you suggesting that I should sing professionally?”

 

“I am and so is half the country. I mean you’ve only sang twice and everyone already thinks--”

 

“You think I could actually do it? Like--”

 

“I always did. You’re brilliant, Lou.”

 

“So then why has no label approached me? I--”

 

“Because you haven’t tried. You never thought about it, always wanted to be on radio.”

 

“That’s what I still want.”

 

“You sent in a demo tape when you were sixteen.”

 

“I was a kid, didn’t know what I wanted.”

 

“They wanted you back then and they want you now. You just have to try.”

 

“I don’t want--”

 

“Is it because of him? Is he--”

 

“Everything I do is not because of him, Zayn.”

 

“Not everything, not anymore. But is this?”

 

“No. That was just a phase when I thought I could make it.”

 

“You can. You told me there were labels who wanted you back then so--”

 

“It was stupid, Zayn. They probably weren’t even real, I was just joking around.”

 

“They were real music companies who saw your talent. I bet you could get signed if you try now, it would--”

 

“I don’t want that.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I want to be on radio, I don’t care--”

 

“You are on radio, you have been for two years. But you’re made for the stage, I always--”

 

“This isn’t some corny ‘Follow your dream’ film, Zayn. This is real life and I have to make real choices. I can’t just go after childish--”

 

“I sent in a tape.”

 

The words die on his lips when he hears that. His heart is pounding in his chest and he wants to punch Zayn. He does.

 

Zayn’s on the floor clutching his nose, there’s blood dribbling down his fingers and Louis forgets his anger and everything else for a moment. He gets Zayn up and rushes him to the bathroom. Louis sits him down on the edge of the bathtub and stuffs toilet paper up his nose. 

 

Zayn winces a bit when Louis goes to take out the red paper and put in more, but he stays silent with his head thrown back. After about five minutes, the blood stops colouring the paper red and Louis stands with his hand on Zayn’s back as he washes his nose and stuffs new paper in. 

 

They walk back to the sofa, Louis leaves Zayn there to get him a pillow to lean his head on and a glass of water if he needs it. Zayn doesn’t say anything as they sit quietly and eat their food afterward. 

 

“I’m sorry for hitting you.”

 

Zayn doesn’t even turn his head to look at him. 

 

“It’s okay. I’m sorry for sending in a tape without asking you.”

 

Louis wants to be angry at him, for doing that and for going behind his back but he knows Zayn did it because he loves Louis. This isn’t the first time Zayn’s taken a decision that was for Louis’ best without asking him and this isn’t the first time Louis’ hit him for doing it.

 

But if there’s one thing he knows, it’s that he wouldn’t be here without Zayn. He wouldn’t have made it, neither in radio nor in life. So, he just sits back and eats his sushi.

 

“It’s alright. I just don’t like being rejected, you know that.”

 

“I do, but you won’t be rejected. They all want you, I swear Lou.”

 

“What do you know about music?”

 

“Everything.”

 

Of course Zayn is right. He works for one of the biggest music companies in the world. Simon Cowell, one of the UK’s top music producers listens to Zayn’s advice - that’s how right he is.

 

But Louis’ never wanted to take advantage of his best mate’s profession and that’s one of the reasons Louis’ never wanted to give singing a chance beyond his bathroom melodies. There are some other reasons, Zayn might be right about those too.

 

Anyway, it’s done now. Zayn’s turned in a tape of Louis singing on the show, some songs he sang at home while he and Zayn were lazing around and then the one song he sent in when he was sixteen. Louis punches him hard on the arm when Zayn proudly announces that he’s been planning a secret demo tape for years.

 

***

 

He does not appreciate the screeching right next to his ear at the arse crack of dawn but Fiona won’t shut up or let him go so he just stands there and listens to her helplessly.

 

“--Horan tweeted you, I was so dumbfounded. I love Niall, his accent is so good. Anyway everyone kept talking about your song yesterday and by the evening, Ben said we should do a poll on whether listeners think you should go into singing. I called in and so did Grimmy, and there were loads of people. James Corden called too, he said he was confused for a second cuz he thought someone from some band was singing and not you. Would you believe that? The poll’s still running till today evening and like 89% of it is yes that you should start singing. And the rest is people who don’t want you to leave the Breakfast Show. It’s mad really--”

 

“Fifi, my head is hurting.”

 

“--how much...oh. Sorry. I’m just so excited for you.”

 

He sighs and hugs her again, of course he’s got the best mates in the world. They all just want him to be happy and he is happy, he was before Zayn sent in that tape. Now, he’s worried. 

 

And he’s anticipating, he’s expecting.

 

That never ends well. If he’s learned anything in his life, it’s that expectations are evil. That’s how we break down, when we expect too much.

 

The show goes over well, mostly just people freaking out about Niall Horan tweeting him and teenage girls who don’t usually listen but are up early today just to ask him if he knows One Direction. 

 

He’s got a throbbing headache by the time they’re finished. Thankfully, everyone in the office stays away from him rather than asking questions, probably because they can see the distress on his face. The bus ride home is a stressful one thanks to the tweets that keep coming and a rather ominous message from Zayn. 

 

Call me when you can. - Z

 

That’s all it says and Louis doesn’t like the tone of that. Well, texts don’t have tones but whatever. Zayn always calls him when there’s good news so this means it’s bad. 

 

He puts his phone on silent in favour of staring out the bus window and getting lost in London. It’s not a long enough ride since he lives so close to the station but he finds the silence reassuring so he doesn’t get off on his stop.

 

Zayn would call him insane - he already does but after this he’d probably drag him to a therapist - if he were to tell Zayn that he’s been sitting in a bus for over an hour just looking at the strange streets and unknown faces. But it’s easier to do this and get lost in this sea of people than go home and face his life.

 

His phone rings in his pocket and he has to pick up this time otherwise his mum would start a search party in ten minutes.

 

“Hiya, Mum.”

 

“Hi, love. Just wanted to see how you’re handling the fame.”

 

“Not you too, come on!”

 

“Just imagine my surprise when someone at work told me Radio One’s been doing a poll about whether or not my son should sing professionally when I spoke to said son just hours before and he didn’t mention anything.”

 

“I don’t know what to say, Mum. It’s crazy, everyone’s been talking about it non-stop and I don’t know what to do.”

 

“Well, what can you do?”

 

“I could ignore all of this and keep doing the job I love. Or I could listen to them and start singing, provided I’m any good and--”

 

“You are, and I’m not just saying this ‘cuz I’m your mum. So many people can’t all be wrong, boobear. Plus Zayn thinks so too and he works in a music company.”

 

“He secretly sent in a tape of me singing.”

 

“Oh bless his soul.”

 

“Mum!”

 

“What? You wouldn’t do it yourself, I’m so grateful for that boy. God knows he’s saved me from many heart-attacks over the years.”

 

“I don’t even know how to respond to that.”

 

“Just do what you really want, that’s all I want. I mean I know you love your job but I remember you singing in the school play and making a tape when you were younger. I just figured you gave that up because of...”

 

“I just, I don’t know anymore. He was one reason but I also loved journalism in uni and I really wanted to be on radio.”

 

“And you did it, for years. But is it really what you want? For the rest of your life?”

 

“Mum, I don’t know. It’s…”

 

“Just, call Zayn okay? He needs to tell you something.”

 

“What? Did he call you to ask me to call him?”

 

“He did, just now. And he told me you punched him again.”

 

“Are you his mum or my mum? And I punched him cuz he lied to me.”

 

“Can you not punch him in the face next time? That perfect face should be preserved, what if you had broken his nose!”

 

“Oh my god, I’m gonna hang up now.”

 

“Love you, boo.”

 

“Bye, Mum. And call Zayn next time you want something from London!”

 

***


	8. Harry/Louis - IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, so they're almost there now. Not much longer, just hang in there!

Harry

 

Between tours and interviews, they grow up. With each other and around each other, they grow up from boys to men. 

 

He goes back to London twice after that, never more than a day or two. His Mum skypes but can’t come both times because her job doesn’t allow it and he makes up imaginary meetings to avoid going to Cheshire. After that third time, it stopped bothering him that much but he knows he’s not ready to see Gemma or Louis yet.

 

Niall falls in love with a girl in Canada and gets his heart broken. But he’s still up the next morning like clockwork listening to his radio show and giggling into his pillow. 

 

Liam has a rough couple of months where he drinks everyday and gets on top of buildings while plastered and picks arguments with people on twitter. They sit him down two months later and tell him he has to stop.

 

He breaks down and tells them he was bullied in school and for some reason it’s been haunting him that he hasn’t done anything to help bullied kids even though he could, with all the money and resources he has.

 

Six months later, they’ve successfully launched a campaign that helps bullied students to talk to their teachers. They go around and do promotions in schools whenever they get the time and Liam is happier than Harry’s ever seen him.

 

He himself still drinks regularly, sleeps with strangers while thinking of blue eyes and small hands. His Mum still brings up Gemma sometimes in their conversations but he never encourages her. It’s been almost two and a half years since he’s been home or talked to Gemma but he feels like he can’t yet.

 

The second tour is even better than the first one, they’re playing stadiums rather than the arenas they played the first time. The crowds are bigger and louder and these songs are theirs more than the songwriters’ and Harry absolutely falls in love with the rush of it all.

 

Hands grabbing at them, mobs following them when they’re in the bus and interviews every week about how they’ve taken the world by storm. 

 

“So you’re all from the UK but you haven’t performed there, yet?”

 

“Well Liam and I are from England and Niall’s from Ireland. And we’ve performed in Ireland but not England, not yet.”

 

“Any particular reason for that?”

 

The man seems to have caught the discomfort on his face but he looks at him expectantly anyway. Harry’s not sure what he’s going to say, he has thought of this question before just never knew how to answer it if they asked.

 

Liam comes to his rescue,

 

“We just haven’t really had the chance to go back yet. I mean I’d love for my family to come see us but we don’t think we’re ready to play on home-turf yet, if you know what I mean!”

 

“Oh, so you consider England your home-turf?”

 

“Well, we are from there. Although Australia has been home for us for the last three years.”

 

“So do you plan on staying here in Australia or going back ever?”

 

“Well, we’ve never really talked about that but I guess there’s enough time to discuss that.”

 

Niall smiles at the interviewer after his answer and that’s that. He doesn’t ask about England again only his next question is one Harry hates the most.

 

“So Harry, you’re the player of the group. Anyone steady lately?”

 

He smiles back even though he’d like to walk out right now. This is an insult and an offensive statement because he’s not a player. He does not cheat on people or go around sleeping with everyone. 

 

That was last year, now he hardly ever goes home with anyone. The anger that used to drive him or the need for another body in his bed has seeped out of him. 

 

“Um, no I’m not seeing anyone right now.”

 

“Oh, so just keeping it casual then?”

 

He knows what's being implied, he knows he’s being asked if he’s still fucking random strangers and he wants to be angry but he just puts on his fake smile that makes his dimples appear, 

 

“Yeah, just casual.”

 

Liam is fuming when they get out of the interview because he wants to know why the fuck wasn’t the interviewer given a list of things not to ask. Harry just sits silently opposite him in the car with his head on Niall’s shoulder as they get driven back to the hotel.

 

The tour ends in Japan and Harry loves this country. He wants to come back soon and he says as much. The stewardess smiles widely at him when he bows and says ‘Ganbarimasu’ to her before leaving the plane.

 

***

 

He buys a flat in Sydney the first thing when he gets back from tour. Niall and Liam get one too in the same complex and now they’ve actually got places to get back to rather than hotel rooms. 

 

The tour was a huge success if his bank account is any indication and he gives half of it away to charity anonymously and keeping behind what he needs, he wires the rest to his mum. He gets a call in the middle of the night and forces himself to wake up when he sees it’s his mum.

 

“What do you think you’re doing?”

 

Maybe it’s his sleepiness but it sounds like his mum’s been crying. He quickly thinks of anything bad he’s done in the past few days that she could be upset about. He hasn’t even slept with anyone in months.

 

“Mum, what do you mean? I don’t--”

 

“I’m your Mum, we’re your parents. We should be sending you money, we should be paying for you to do things and not the other way round. I’m--”

 

“I love you, you know that. Both of you. Plus, I have what I need and I want you to come see me when you can so it’s just bribe money.”

 

She chuckles loudly before sobbing again and he’s left scrubbing at his eyes and wiping away tears in a dark room at 4 am when his Mum says they’re coming to see him.

 

***

 

He’s biting his nails off as they wait at the Arrivals bay for his parents to get here. Liam and Niall are standing behind him, having given up on calming him down. He’s so not ready to see them but he’s dying to, it’s a strange combination.

 

His Mum spots him first and almost runs over to throw her hands around his neck and he lifts her up without a second thought. There’s a lot of squealing and mumbling and tears and snot but finally, they separate and Robin pulls him into his chest and then there’s more tears and snot.

 

Liam and Niall are perfect gentlemen when Harry introduces them to his Mum and she hugs them both as well. The ride back to the flat is long and Harry can’t stop talking about everything and anything.

 

His Mum brings up Gemma once while mentioning that she’s in France right now working on her Thesis and he nods his head silently. Thankfully, she doesn’t mention Louis although Robin does tell him that Jay and the Tomlinsons are all good. He smiles politely but doesn’t answer.

 

What could he even say? They were as much of a family to him as his own for years but it doesn’t matter anymore. 

 

The rest of the day is spent sitting around and exchanging stories. The lads are so excited to tell them everything that Anne and Robin both stay up late at night listening to all the tour stories.

 

They have the entire week free so there’s a lot of sightseeing and travelling planned. His mum almost starts crying every time someone walks up to him to ask for an autograph. He keeps telling her he isn’t used to it either but her eyes look wet the entire time. Robin looks proud every time Harry catches his eye.

 

The night before they’re supposed to go back, his Mum finds him on the balcony and sits down beside him. He knows what this is about but he gives her time to talk when she’s ready. 

 

“Have you talked to him at all?”

 

He takes a deep breath but it feels like there’s not enough air in the world.

 

“No.”

 

“Is he why you left? I mean I--”

 

“He was part of it--”

 

“I’ve always known you were in love with him. And I thought he was in love with yo--”

 

“He wasn’t. And he lied to me, I just couldn’t stay there anymore.”

 

“I’m sure it was a misunderstanding, he--”

 

“Are you taking his side?”

 

“I’m not taking any sides, I’m just saying I know him quite well--”

 

“I knew him better and he fooled me, so.”

 

“But Harry maybe you should try to--”

 

“No. I’ve moved on.”

 

“Have you?”

 

“I have, Mum. And I do every day, it’s not an issue anymore.”

 

“Why won’t you come home, then?”

 

“I’m happy here.”

 

“What about Gemma? Wait, you don’t think Louis and Gem--”

 

“It doesn’t matter.”

 

“Harry, you must known that he would never--”

 

“Mum. Let’s not talk about this again.”

 

“But Harry--”

 

“Please.”

 

She must’ve caught the desperation in his voice because she gets up, kisses his forehead and goes back in. She never mentions that talk again. 

 

They’re all dressed up to leave for the airport when Simon calls on Harry’s phone and says the second album is almost ready and should be out for Christmas again. The ride back is mostly them talking about how they’ll all go to Cheshire soon and stay at Harry’s. No one says how soon.

 

It’s an emotional goodbye at the airport as they all cling to each other. Even Liam and Niall are crying and it looks like their parents are leaving their three sons behind. 

 

The photos get splashed on the front page the next day, all of them in a group hug and people awwing over how they’re really brothers. 

 

***

 

It hasn’t even been two months since they got back from Japan that the album promotions start and Simon asks them if they want to tour again.

 

They take one look at each other and decide they do want to tour again. Harry takes a deep breath and tells Simon they’ll go to England this time. Liam and Niall look at him worried and he just smiles at them reassuringly. It’s a short one with select venues and small, exclusive crowds. 

 

He spends Christmas eve drowning in a bottle of whiskey somewhere in North America and so misses the radio interview they were supposed to be doing the next morning. They start the tour a week later, their album is selling out like crazy and the tour is completely packed as well. 

 

Harry loves having more one-on-time with fans where they can actually talk to them rather than just hear their screams. Nick calls him one night when they’re in Ireland and asks Harry if they want to go to the Big Weekend in Glasgow tomorrow.

 

He remembers wanting to go to the Big Weekend as a kid and he does really want to go, especially since they do have two weeks free right now. Niall and Liam both jump up at the idea so they pack up and fly to Glasgow on the first flight they find.

 

***

Louis

 

***

 

He’s dreading going home, it’s already late enough that Zayn would’ve come back from his work too, chances are he’s going to open the door and find Zayn staring at him from the dining table.

 

He’s right.

 

And Zayn keeps staring at him as he peels off his jacket and takes off his Vans by the door. 

 

“Finally got time to come back?”

 

“I was--uh, walking around a bit.”

 

“Can you not walk and pick up your phone at the same time? Is that too high-function for you?”

 

“I wanted some time to think.”

 

“Could’ve texted me that you were okay. I was worried.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Syco wants to sign you for two years, all benefits through me if you want.”

 

That’s just like Zayn, dropping a bomb with the straightest face and no preface whatsoever. It catches him so off-guard that he’s left standing there with his jaw hitting the floor and Zayn keeps staring.

 

“I told them you’d want to do it yourself without favours from me but I drew up a draft for the contract and there’s a clause that if you wanted, you could get the extra benefits through association with me. I’ll get the contract ready by the end of the week, you can start as soon as you want.”

 

He’s registered every word but it’s too overwhelming to do anything about it so he pulls a chair out and sits down shakily. Zayn puts his arm around his shoulder and pulls him into a hug. There might be a few tears, but neither of them moves or says anything for a while.

 

Louis wonders just how badly he’s wanted this and how good he’s become at denying himself things he really wants.

 

“Zayn, thank--”

 

“If you finish that sentence, I will drown you.”

 

“You can’t even swim yourself.”

 

“I’ll pay someone to do it. I’m pretty rich, I just didn’t want to move out which I don’t even know why I keep you around.”

 

“Because you like the smell of burnt toast in the morning.”

 

“Yeah, that’s it.”

 

***

 

It’s a bit weird showing up to work every morning and listening to people going on and on about how he’s shocked everyone with his voice, when at home he and Zayn are combing through the contract every day and deciding just what he wants from Syco.

 

Zayn had told his boss that if anyone tried to screw Louis over, he would walk out. Louis hates being a reason for Zayn’s problems and he hates it that Zayn has somehow become his personal manager through all of this.

 

They meet up with Simon Cowell on Thursday and sign the final version of the contract. Louis feels underdressed and overwhelmed sitting in a glass office opposite the man himself but Zayn is sitting beside him and he’s every bit as professional and efficient as Louis thought he was.

 

“I want to keep the clause about you coordinating with other artists at Syco. Not now but at some point, and you will get full choice to decide who but with the competition today we need to give people their favorite singers performing together.”

 

Louis is about to open his mouth and say he will agree as long as he gets a choice but Zayn talks over him in a no-bullshit voice,

 

“Anyone but One Direction. If that’s what the company wants then my client will reserve the full right to decline.”

 

He’s too shocked to even close his mouth. First, Zayn’s calling him ‘my client’ now? Second, One Direction is signed with this company? And Zayn knew this and he didn’t mention it at all? 

 

What.

 

“Of course, although it would be quite profitable for both parties if such an alliance were to happen. I mean, most of their fanbase is teenage girls all over the world and your listeners and supporters are mostly British and of a broader demographic so together you could get much more exposure but I agree with the terms.”

 

He sits still as Zayn and Simon talk about other things because his brain stopped working somewhere around ‘One Direction’ and ‘performing together’.

 

Zayn touches his arm lightly and nods toward the papers in front of them on the table. He silently takes the pen from his hand and signs wherever he points. Simon is watching all of this with curious eyes probably wondering how come Louis is blindly signing where Zayn points without so much as reading anything.

 

Perhaps it’s this action or perhaps something else that leads him to lean back in his chair when Louis is done and speak in a softer than earlier voice,

 

“I do not mean to pry but I need to know this just as precaution. Are you two romantically involved?”

 

He shakes his head a bit warily, Simon catches the motion and rushes to elaborate.

 

“I don’t have a problem with your preferences whatever they might be, I just need to know what I’m signing up for. There will be no covering up or anything of your personal life, that’s not how we do things at Syco. Unless of course, you want that.”

 

It’s a huge weight off his chest and the rest of the formalities are rather easy to get through. They sit silently in the taxi on the way home because they’re leaving for Glasgow in less than eight hours and they’re both tired.

 

***

 

He wakes up to loud noises from the telly and he’s up now so he just wraps up the quilt around himself and goes to the lobby to find Zayn sitting in front of the telly watching some news channel. He drags the quilt behind him and sits down next to Zayn.

 

When he flicks the channel, Louis’ shocked to find his photo on the screen next to the words,

 

‘BBC Radio One host signs with singing label after shocking support from listeners’

 

He just stares at the screen as they show tweets from fans and the infamous one from Niall. Zayn leans into him and Louis just melts into his side. This is too big, too much too soon. He’s not ready to be in the limelight like this.

 

What if Harry sees something and accuses him of using his bandmate for his own selfish purposes. And what about his show, he doesn’t want to leave just yet, that’s why he signed for just one album but if they make such a big deal out of this then he won’t be able to work at Radio One.

 

They keep staring at the screen with the volume turned down, just flicking photos and unknown faces saying things they’re not hearing. At some point, Zayn gets up and tells him to go get changed so they can drive to the airport.

 

Louis’ not really all present as they make it to the airport and through security. A few people recognize him as that bloke from the telly, the radio host who’s a singer now perhaps because his photo has been on the telly all day.

 

And it’s an unflattering photo too. Whoever gave them that photo, probably Nick.

 

He’s half asleep by the time they land in Glasgow and a car picks them up to get to the hotel. Nick and Fiona and everyone else is already checked in so they do a round and go to everyone’s rooms to see where they are. Everyone looks dead on their feet so it’s decided that they’ll all go take a nap before showing up at the performances and dinner tonight.

 

Louis is slumped over Zayn as they walk to their room and the king-sized bed looks way too comfortable for him to even try to take off his clothes first. They both dive-in half dressed but too sleepy to care.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anything you like in this chapter? Anything you don't?


	9. I walked away and you let me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here they are! Finally! Sorry for the inaccuracies in this, I've tried my best. Go on, then.
> 
> Check the notes in the end for photos.

Louis

 

Nick wakes them up with a call two hours before the main stage is set to be opened by Katy Perry. As excited as they both are about this, Louis rolls over and falls asleep again the moment he hangs up the phone and Zayn never even woke up in the first place.

 

As a result, when they do finally wake up it’s already too late to go with the others so they dress up quickly and get a taxi to get to the arena. Nick comes out with their tickets and the whole walk back, moans and bitches about babysitting Louis and Zayn.

 

They get to their seats and settle down just as Disclosure starts performing, Louis is absolutely struck by the energy in the packed arena. He’s never even seen a live performance in such a huge arena before so this is a new experience for him and even Zayn seems taken.

 

Nick is yelling the lyrics next to him and while Louis has rolled his eyes at him several times, when Bastille comes on he’s belting out the words too. It’s really freeing to be able to do this because everyone else around him is screaming as well and he can join in.

 

After two hours of yelling and cheering, dinner is announced and Louis is absolutely starving. Other than the packet of peanuts Zayn had smuggled in his coat, they haven’t eaten anything in hours.

 

Nick has somehow took on the role of tour-guide/group leader and is now leading them toward the buffet and introducing them to the famous people. It gets a bit tiring after a while and one shared look later, Zayn is excusing himself to go have a smoke and Louis is walking toward the bathrooms. Nick tells them to find him by the buffet when they get back.

 

He is pretty nervous as he is walking back because as far as he knows there are some really big names here tonight and he might work with these people at some point so the barrier of interviewer-interviewee he usually hides behind is gone.

 

Most of these people know that he has signed with Syco, he’s been congratulated and ‘welcomed’ by at least two dozen people so far.

 

He’s star struck when he sees Katy Perry across the room and he rushes toward the buffet to tell Zayn when Zayn actually finds him first.

 

His face is pale, he literally looks like he’s seen a ghost. His hand comes to rest on Louis’ hip like he’s trying to move him in a different direction and Louis doesn’t even get to ask him what’s happening before a group of young lads moves away and he finds Nick looking at him from the other side,

 

“There you are!”

 

Zayn’s hand tightens around his hip so he whips his head away to look at his best mate and what he finds is a panicked expression on his face. Louis doesn’t even get to speak or move an inch before Nick walks over and stands on his other side.

 

It all happens in slow motion. Nick’s hand comes to rest on his elbow, Louis looks up at the contact. His eyes settle on _him_ the moment Nick’s words register in his mind,

 

“Louis, meet One Direction. Lads, this is my co-worker - well not for long - Louis Tomlinson.”

 

Zayn’s hand is burning even through his thick suit, Nick is still next to him but all Louis can do is stare at the face he remembers from years ago and yet doesn’t recognize.

 

There are two more lads behind Harry and Louis recognizes the blond one as Niall and the other one as Leo or Liam or summat.

 

His eyes gravitate toward him again, he’s gotten really tall. Louis has to look up to see his face and it leaves a strange tug in his chest. He feels it just above his ribs, right where his heart is under the skin. It’s a sudden burn, he ignores it.

 

Harry’s face is all sharp angles and cheekbones now, so different from the chubby cheeks and soft curves it used to be. The curls Louis so loved to run his fingers through are held back by a headscarf, no longer falling over his eyes and his ears.

 

His sparkling green eyes are darker but maybe that’s just the lighting. His shoulders are broad and taper into a tiny waist, the suit fitting perfectly on his lean frame. And there are tattoos peeking out from under his unbuttoned shirt, the neckline dropping shamelessly low.

 

It’s like looking at the ghost of a person he used to know. Like someone has kept all his beautiful features and added more to them, made him even more perfect than he already was.

 

Louis pries his eyes away when Zayn’s fingers tighten around his hip, it’s like being electrocuted. He feels his lungs expand around no air but he forces the cough down as Nick keeps talking about some party they went to last year.

 

He wants to run away, knows Zayn will cover for him but the way Harry’s eyes are glued to Nick when he hasn’t even spared Louis a glance makes him stand his ground.

 

“--so anyway, this is Louis. We’re not best mates or anything, but we haven’t killed each other yet so it’s been a fun two years. Dare I say I’m going to miss him. Tommo, this is Harry Styles. Man behind the song y--”

 

Louis’ too wound up to even pay attention to anything Nick is saying so he’s caught by surprise when the blond one - Niall, steps forward and in his sphere of vision with a huge grin on his face.

 

He extends a hand toward Louis and his tight grip and excited voice makes him forget where he is for a second,

 

“Tommo? I’m Niall, I’m a big fan! Didn’t know you were gonna be here. You are so funny, mate.”

 

He’s shaking Niall’s hand and the grin on his face gets even bigger if that’s possible. Something warm spreads through his chest when he hears Niall praising him, but his own smile falters when he catches Harry frowning behind Niall.

 

He seems to be looking at the Irishman with narrowed eyes and a downward turn of his lips but he still doesn’t look at Louis.

 

  
“--that time you ate a plant. I want to meet your mate too, Z. Is--”

 

“Oh bugger, I forgot. Lads, this is Zayn, Louis’ best mate. He’s the one that dared him to eat a plant, Niall.”

 

Louis silently watches as Niall turns toward Zayn with a bright smile, Zayn’s grip loosens a little as he shakes Niall’s hand and quite honestly Louis has never seen Zayn so flustered before.

 

Before he can comment on that or the way Niall looks redder after the handshake, the third bloke moves forward and extends his hand to Louis,

 

“I’m Liam, nice to meet you.”

 

“Louis, likewise.”

 

“I don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad that we’ve run into you because Niall is a proper fanboy, worse than some of our fans! He’s--”

 

“Oi! Don’t say embarrassing th--”

 

“You have a permanent alarm set on your phone to wake you up for his show, I don’t think anything is more embarrassing.”

 

“Liam, you tosser! Why’d you have to say that just now?”

 

“Why, were you waiting to make a good impression first before unleashing the crazy? Speaking of, Harry, where are your manners?”

 

He was a bit too engrossed in their banter - which sounded too much like him and Zayn on a given day - to realize that Harry still hasn’t spoken a single word and after Liam and Niall stepped forward, he’s now standing behind them quietly.

 

Everyone sort of turns to look at Harry as he steps forward and extends his hand to Louis. His face is carefully blank, no expression whatsoever. Louis fights back the irritation he feels, and takes the hand with a mask on his face too.

 

“I’m Harry.”

 

I know. I know, he thinks. I know where you’re from and how old you are and how you like your tea. I also know how much you love bananas. I know about that stupid scar you have on your knee from when you jumped into an empty pool because I asked you to. I know, he thinks.

 

“Louis Tomlinson.”

 

He says.

 

To anyone looking at them, it would look like two people meeting for the first time. With cold indifference and buried emotions, he takes his hand back. Harry’s eyes flick to Zayn’s hand on his hip for a second but other than that there’s no sign that he’s even looked at Louis.

 

Even when he shook his hand, neither of them looked at the other. If anyone notices anything strange, they don’t mention it.

 

Louis turns around and walks away from the group with his back straight and calculated steps. Zayn follows him silently and they pile food onto a single plate and get to the table to find Fiona sitting there alone.

 

Nick returns some time later and announces that he’s going out with the lads afterward and they’re all invited.

 

“Niall really wants you to come, both of you. I think he’s got a bit of a thing for you, Tommo.”

 

“He just likes the show. I’m sure he’s--”

 

“I’m not so sure about that. Liam seems pretty impressed too, Harry’s usually quiet about his opinions so I wouldn’t know what he thinks till he’s pissed.”

 

“I think I’m going back to the hotel, might as well use the opportunity to sleep in.”

 

“What are you, seventy? Fine, do what you want. What about you, Zaynie? You coming?”

 

Zayn turns to look at him with questioning eyes - Louis wants to be alone - and he must’ve found something in them because he turns to Nick and nods his head,

 

“I’m up for a night out.”

 

“Alright! Fifi, you’re obviously coming. Let’s make it a good night then.”

 

He silently eats his dinner and then bids them goodbye. Zayn catches up to him just as he’s getting out of the arena.

 

“Hey, aren’t you going--”

 

“In a minute.”

 

They keep walking before Zayn stops him and turns him around around to look at his worried face. This part of the road is dark, the street lamp burned out and in the shadows from the huge neon billboard across the road, Zayn looks like he belongs in a strip club - with his loose tie around his neck and his rolled up sleeves.

 

“Lou, are you okay?”

 

He stares back at Zayn’s face, his earnest eyes boring into Louis’ with concern brimming to the edge. To someone walking past, this would look like a lover’s quarrel in the middle of the night.

 

“Not really but I will be.”

 

“Do you want me to come with you? We could sleep in.”

 

“It’s alright, I need to be alone.”

 

“Okay, well I will be back soon.”

 

“Zayn?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Did you know he was here?”

 

“I swear to God Lou, I didn’t. That’s why I was rushing to stop you before--”

 

“It’s alright. It had to happen someday.”

 

“Louis, I should come with you. We--”

 

“No, I’m just going to sleep when I get back. I’ll think about this tomorrow.”

 

“We can go back, you don’t have to--”

 

“Tomorrow. Go have fun, Zee.”

 

“You be careful, okay? And call me if you need me.”

 

“I will, night Zayn.”

 

“Good night, Lou.”

 

He stands there for a moment longer after Zayn turns around and walks back. His feet start moving at some point and he keeps going until he sees the familiar hotel building and walks in.

 

Time doesn’t make sense. In his mind, everything is mixed up. Harry is supposed to be in his past, not in his present. Not in his now.

 

He’s supposed to be Louis’ mate, his partner in crime and not a stranger he doesn’t even look at while shaking his hand in a group of people, like they didn’t spend eleven years in each other’s pockets.

 

Harry is not supposed to steal his eyes from Louis. Or not look at him at all, like he doesn’t matter.

 

Well, he doesn’t. Harry is a popstar and Louis is a local radio host, he doesn’t really matter. He’s known this for years now so then why does it hurt to have actually seen the indifference on Harry’s face?

 

Why is it a fresh pain to have stood there like strangers and have Harry dismiss him so easily?

 

Why does it feel like fresh cut scars rubbing against his sleeves like he said in that radio rant weeks ago?

 

The room is dark when he enters so he doesn’t bother turning on the lights before he sheds his clothes and gets into bed. He doesn’t sleep at all, he’s awake when Zayn comes in hours later and asks quietly if he’s awake but he doesn’t answer.

 

He’s awake when there’s a knock on his door hours later.

 

***

 

Harry

 

***

 

It is buzzing when they get to the hotel, Nick had texted him the address and promised to meet them at the festival. They get to their rooms and decide to sleep in a bit before going to the arena.

 

Apparently, Simon really likes the idea of them going to the festival that he gets them a performance slot for Sunday. Harry is only too happy to say yes.

 

This is suddenly turning into the best break they’ve had in years because they’re all dressed up and walking on the sort-of red carpet and everyone is excited because this is the first time they’ve actually shown up for any British festival or event.

 

The interviewers seem to be struggling a bit with their names sometimes and they just laugh it off by apologizing for not coming to the UK earlier.

 

“So, Harry right?”

 

“Yes, I’m Harry, I’m the morbid tone.”

 

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t expect to see you here and I didn't do--”

 

“I know, we haven’t done anything in England but we’re making good on that now.”

 

“You’ve got a tour right now, right?”

 

“That’s right, we’re touring right now. We’re on a break for two weeks but we’re coming to England after that.”

 

“That sounds great! Pardon me, I do know all about you guys I mean who doesn’t, plus I have a niece who’s a fan and who’s going to kill me, but I just panicked because I didn’t expect to see--”

 

“Hey, it’s alright. Don’t worry about it, I forget Niall’s name sometimes too.”

 

It’s so easy mixing in with these people, he already knows so many of them. James waves at him from the corner of the room and they rush over because if anyone is a good friend to spend time with at a festival, James Corden is it.

 

They get to their seats and settle down for the opening act and Harry sympathizes with Niall’s lungs when he hears the ghastly gasp from the lad as Katy Perry takes the stage. Liam is a bit more sympathetic as he passes Niall a bottle of water.

 

By the time the third performance starts, they’re relaxed and pretty loose with all the alcohol in their system.James is doing a running commentary on literally everyone and Harry is laughing the entire time with his head thrown back.

 

James also introduces them to a lot of people, some of them famous and some of them behind-the-scenes. It’s refreshing to meet people who are from England and who don’t swoon at their accent because ‘It’s British’.

 

Nick finds them close to the buffet and pulls them aside while James excuses himself to go find his wife. Harry is feeling rather happy with the fruity drink in his hand and Nick talking about how happy he is to see his lads in the UK finally.

 

He’s about to ask Nick if he wants to go out after dinner when someone bumps into him and his half empty glass knock into the table and the drink sloshes out. He catches the back of the person rushing away but before he can stop him, he’s gone. All he sees is a straight back walking away from him.

 

Niall pipes up then talking about the man he’s been obsessed with for over two years. Harry vaguely wonders if Niall agreed to come just because he wanted to meet the radio host.

 

“Is Tommo here? I mean I know not every host comes but he was talking about going to Glasgow so is--”

 

“Slow down, Nialler. Yes, he’s here in fact he was sitting with me till now. He’s just gone to take a wee-wee. I’ll--”

 

“Will you introduce me when he comes back?”

 

“You really are obsessed with him! Liam, you were right!”

 

“Haven’t seen nothing yet, mate.”

 

“Oi! I’m not obsessed, I’m just--”

 

“Forget it. He’s not even heard any of your songs, he says.”

 

Harry almost interjects that what kind of a radio host hasn’t heard any of their songs but then he realizes how arrogant that sounds so he keeps quiet.

 

“So he really did a cover of Happily from the 5 Seconds cover? Dat was brilliant by the way!”

 

“He did. For some reason his mate didn’t want him--”

 

“Well, I like him anyway. I mean he has brilliant prank ideas and his jokes--he’s the funniest person I know.”

 

“I think after listening to Harry’s terrible jokes for years, he would seem funny.”

 

“Heeeey.”

 

“Nah mate, his tweets are de best. I remember some of them when I’m doing something and I just burst out laughing.”

 

“He actually does, not even joking. But where is this--”

 

“There you are!”

 

Nick moves away from his side and toward someone, Harry’s eyes move with him and then they settle on--him.

 

_Louis._

 

He can feel his whole world crumbling around his ears because he is looking right at Louis Tomlinson.

 

Nick is standing comfortably next to Louis with his hand on his elbow. There’s another man on Louis’ other side, with his arm snaked around his waist and a hand resting possessively on his hip and Harry looks away instantly.

 

What is happening? Why is Louis here? Why is Nick so comfortable with him? What.

 

He’s looking at Nick but he can see Louis’ face from the corner of his eye, can pinpoint the exact moment Louis sees him. His face reflects the shock Harry is feeling inside, so he didn’t know Harry was going to be here. Okay.

 

He can feel Louis’ eyes raking over his body, stopping on his face as he takes it all in. Harry can feel a familiar heat crawling over his chest and up his neck when he knows Louis is watching him. He has to look up to look at Harry now and for some reason that makes his body burn even more under his clothes. His stomach feels like an endless pit, his heart hammering away in his chest.

  

He keeps his eyes fixed on Nick and pretends to listen all the while his brain is cataloging every way Louis has changed since he last saw him. His hair is longer and pushed off his face and not in that fringe anymore, he isn’t wearing his glasses and his face is peppered with scruff.

 

Harry almost bites his lip when he sees the stubble dusting his chin but he stops himself because he can still feel Louis’ eyes on him. His eyes, still as blue as ever. Harry has met so many people in the past four years but he’s never been able to find someone with the same coloured eyes ever. This small detail feels like he's been searching for something for years and he's finally found it. The most beautiful eyes ever. Then he hears something from Nick that makes his thoughts stutter to a stop,

 

“Lads this is Zayn, Louis’ best mate. He’s the one that dared him to eat a plant, Niall.”

 

Zayn.

 

Zayn, Louis’ best mate. The same Zayn that Harry always thought was Louis’ boyfriend. Zayn, who’s got a hand curled around Louis’ hip right now. Zayn, who Louis is not flinching away from at all even though they’re standing in a group of people with practically no air between them.

 

As much as he tries to not, his eyes sway to Zayn’s hand on Louis’ hip and he looks away instantly but the image is burned into his mind now. Liam steps up from behind him to move closer to Louis with his hand outstretched and they start talking about Niall and his obsession with the show.

 

Which, he’s just now realizing that it was Louis all along.

 

Louis is who Niall’s been obsessing over for two years. He feels a strange tug at his heart, is he feeling jealous here. What.

 

But it’s just that Tommo is Louis Tomlinson. The boy Harry spent eleven years of his life loving, he is Niall’s radio host. He’s the reason Harry’s been waking waking up to his mouth stuffed with anything that fits really. He’s the reason their whole crew has been getting pranked on tours endlessly.

 

He’s the reason Niall recovered within hours after his terrible break up. He’s the reason Niall’s been happy.

 

This clash of his two worlds is beautifully chaotic. He almost wants to laugh at the cruelty.

 

Then Liam asks him why he’s being rude and hasn’t shaken hands with Tommo yet, and Harry really wants to laugh in his face because what else can he do.

 

He’s being asked to introduce himself to the man he’s been in love with for most of his life.

 

“I’m Harry.”

 

You know what I look like when I’m crying because you were there to console me. You used to know, he corrects. Well, you don’t know me after all.

 

“Louis Tomlinson.”

 

He keeps his face passive, it’s taken a lot of time to make himself this good at lying and pretending. Hours he’s spent in front of the mirror lying to himself, practicing to look like he doesn’t care when there’s a storm brewing inside him. All for this one moment.

 

Harry doesn’t even look at him when they shake hands, he’s afraid the mask will slip if he does. All these lies he’s built up over the years will come crumbling down if he ever finds those eyes looking into his own.

 

Why is this happening now. After all these years he ran away from it, stayed away from his home. His past is colliding with his present and nothing makes sense. Niall is Louis’ fan. Louis is famous.

 

Louis is a radio host, like he said he wanted to be.

 

He’s standing in front of Harry right now with Zayn’s hand around his waist.

 

He’s walking away now with his back to Harry just like he did four years ago. He’s left standing there looking at his back, this time he doesn’t pray for Louis to come back.

 

Zayn follows Louis.

 

Zayn was the one who walked into him earlier and made him spill his drink, he absently registers.

 

He’s absolutely lost to everything around him right now. He tries to focus back to the conversation happening around him and finds Nick telling Niall something about Louis’ show. Liam seems to notice his state and raises his eyebrows asking him silently if he’s alright. He nods his head toward the bathroom and starts walking before anyone says anything else.

 

As he weaves through the crowd his legs are moving on their own, palms sweaty and he can’t help it that his fists are clenched. He stood in front of Louis without breaking and that’s more than he thought he was capable of.

 

The face he finds staring back at him in the mirror is vulnerable, much like his younger self used to be. Insecure and afraid, alone.

 

His vision starts to blur a little so he goes to the nearest stall and sits down on the toilet, locking the door behind him. He’s got his head in his hands as he sits there with his eyes screwed shut and telling himself he’s alright.

 

Louis’ cold voice replays in his head again, the way his shocking blue eyes had been darting over Harry’s body makes his breath hitch in his throat and in a terrible moment of sheer clarity he realizes, he’s still in love with Louis.

 

He never stopped.

 

*** 

 

The mild anxiety attack subsides as he sits there taking deep breaths. He’s alright, he is. It just caught him by surprise is all, seeing Louis after all this time and feeling everything that he thought he’d left behind and much more.

 

But he’s not that kid anymore, he’s not unsure anymore. He knows people want him, he could walk out of here and pick anyone he wanted to take to his hotel room and they’d go willingly. And that’s what he tells himself as he stares back into the mirror and at the face he sees in papers and on billboards and not in old, family photos.

 

He’s not poor miserable Harry who ran away from home anymore. He’s Harry Styles, the popstar millions of girls are mad about. He’s Harry Styles who’s made a life for himself.

 

Louis’ got Zayn, he doesn’t care. Why would he? He’s going to find someone for tonight and fuck these feelings away. There is no way he’s repeating the same mistake again.

 

There is no way he is falling for Louis Tomlinson again.

 

Liam looks very concerned when he gets back to their table while Niall is busy with his steak.

 

“Alright, Haz?”

 

“Yeah I’m good. Just starving.”

 

Liam buys it and they dig into their dinner soon enough. Niall informs him they’ve invited Nick and his mates for pints after they leave here. Harry doesn’t want to see Zayn and Louis drunkenly grabbing each other so he politely declines.

 

“What, why? I thought you were excited to go out tonight?”

 

“I don’t feel like--”

 

“Are you alright, Harry? Is there anything bothering you?”

 

Liam is doing his worried dad bit and Harry knows he won’t give up until Harry does so he considers just going. He’s not feeling up to sleeping in anyway. Plus, he could pick someone up and show Louis he’s not the only one who’s moved on.

 

“Fine, let’s go out then. Just make sure it’s somewhere I can find someone.”

 

“Didn’t know you were looking.”

 

Liam is absolutely infuriating when he thinks he’s found something, like a dog with a bone. Harry loves him but he could hit him right now.

 

“We’ll see.”

 

They finish their dinner in relative silence and get up to leave. Unfortunately, getting up means they have to walk through the crowd to get to the doors. He loses count of how many people he shakes hands with and how many smiles he plasters on.

 

By the time Paul has got them in the car and is guiding the driver toward the hotel, Harry is knackered and irritated. He rests his head against the window and stares out into the empty streets.

 

It’s too dark and too dull to focus on anything until something catches his eye. He startles when he recognizes the familiar figure across the road, even after all these years he can recognize him on a dark road from a moving car.

 

It’s a curse.

 

He sees Zayns standing across from Louis and saying something in his ear. He wants to jump out of the car and pull Louis away from him but the second that thought enters his mind, he thwarts it.

 

His eyes stay on Louis’ figure as it passes by, his shoulders are slumped and he looks tired even from the distance. Harry sighs quietly and closes his eyes, resting his head against the window again as they drive back toward the hotel.

 

It takes Liam and Niall a bit to change and then they’re piled up into the car again and being driven toward the club. Nick has constantly been texting him asking where he is.

 

When they finally get there, Harry gets out to find a bit of a crowd in front of the building. Paul rushes them in within minutes and Harry walks straight to the bar and orders two shots.

 

Liam is by his side again looking at him worriedly while Niall has apparently bounced away to find his Tommo.

 

“You know you can tell me, right? What is it? Something bothering you?”

 

“I just didn’t realize we were finally going home till I met all the people from England. That’s all.”

 

Liam nods understandingly at him and orders them both neat whiskeys. Harry follows him through the crowd to the booth that Niall texted Liam they were in.

 

His vision is shifting a little and he feels the familiar haze settling in his mind as he walks behind Liam. He thinks he might just be ready to face Louis. If he gets one more drink, he probably won’t even remember about Louis even as he sits across from him.

 

He hasn’t drank himself into oblivion in a while and he thinks tonight is a perfect night.

 

Except when he gets to the booth, Louis’ not there.

 

Nick and Fiona are chatting about something, Niall seems to be showing Zayn something on his phone and there’s no one else in the booth. Harry sits down next to Liam which puts him across from Zayn but he’s not looking up from Niall’s phone. Niall breaks the silence that’s settled despite the loud music playing behind them,

 

“Tommo couldn’t make it, so it’s just us lot. Pints?”

 

Harry keeps all his thoughts hidden carefully from showing on his face, and he finds Zayn staring at him when he looks up. He doesn’t like the way Zayn’s eyes bore into him, provocatively, like he has any right.

 

So Louis’ not here because he couldn’t handle being around him but he’s sent his boyfriend. To rub it in Harry’s face that he has someone. And said boyfriend is now glaring daggers at him.

 

Harry wonders just how much Zayn knows about him. About him and Louis.

 

He does not appreciate the way Zayn’s staring like Harry’s the one at fault. And he is not going to run away this time. He’s going to sit here and get pissed, punch Zayn if he has to and fucking put him in the hospital if that’s what it takes to get him to stop staring.

 

The night goes without any punches or hospitalization, although Harry can’t remember most of it. He’s had enough drinks to not be able to walk straight and Liam cut him off already so he leans against the door waiting for Liam to drag Niall out.

 

He hears the door open and the music spilling out but doesn’t open his eyes till he feels someone standing in front of him. When he does open them, it’s to find Zayn staring at him with a frown on his face. Harry considers for a moment how much he’d like hitting that perfect jawline and that he’d never think so violently usually but for some reason Louis always seems to bring out the extremest of emotions in him. Even when he’s not around.

 

“Stay away from him.”

 

Those words echo shallowly in him, the rage he’s been trying to tamp down on flares through his chest and he pushes off the wall to move closer to Zayn. He’s a bit taller and he knows he can be quite intimidating when he wants to be.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

Zayn looks like he’d rather be anywhere but here, even though it’s him who started this conversation.

 

“He doesn’t need--”

 

His hand involuntarily clenches into a fist. It’s probably the disapproving look on Niall’s face -because of course he’s fond of Tommo and Z - he can imagine he would get if Niall were here that makes him unclench his hand before cutting Zayn off.

 

“Oh you decide for him now, do you?”

 

Zayn stands his ground even as Harry moves a little closer and looms over him. He knows his eyes are scary right now, his nose is flaring in disgust without his permission.

 

“Listen, just--”

 

“No, you listen. If he wants to leave Glasgow, he can. I don’t care. But I’m not running away again.”

 

He gives Zayn one last look before turning on his heel and walking out the main door. The air is chilly against his boiling, hot skin and the drunken haze is gone as he walks toward where Paul is waving at him.

 

Paul looks at him with concern but he just shrugs and gets into the back seat of the car. Liam drags Niall out a minute later but not before they stop next to where Zayn and the others are standing.

 

Harry has never been one to hate people, the emotion a little too strong for him but the only people he thought he could hate were people associated with Louis. Now and back then.

 

He doesn’t hate Gemma but he doesn’t want to see her either. Not yet. They have a lot to talk about and he doesn’t feel like he’s up to it now. He had planned to go home while on break next month but after running into Louis and everything this is turning out to be, he isn’t sure he wants to open that can of worms just yet.

 

He never hated Louis. He tricked himself into believing that he did but he didn’t really. It was always more about getting away from him and out of his shadow. About proving himself to Louis, proving that he isn’t a baby. It’s always been a lost bet convincing himself that he’s not still in love with Louis even after everything.

 

But the trick is to keep himself from falling again. Falling into Louis, getting so close again that he can’t even breathe without him. No, he’s never going to make that mistake again. He’s never going to let Louis Tomlinson have that much power over him again.

 

Even these people who hurt him, shaped him to be who he is because of all the pain and inadvertently kept him away from home, he doesn’t hate them.

 

And yet despite all of this, he is fairly convinced that he might hate Zayn.

 

For loving Louis, for being there for him when Harry himself left him. For being Louis’ first boyfriend, his first everything when Harry would’ve given anything to be in that place. For still being with Louis, even though Harry doesn’t want to be in that place anymore.

 

But most of all, he thinks he might hate Zayn for being the reason Louis lied to him back then.

 

And for telling him to stay away tonight. Like he has the right.

 

Harry doesn’t even want to be near Louis. So what gives Zayn the right to tell him to stay away? He hasn’t known Louis half as long as Harry knew him.

 

So yes, he might hate Zayn for replacing him.

 

Niall tells him he had the best night in ages and he smiles back and lets him rest his head on his shoulder. Liam is stealing glances at him but doesn’t say anything and Harry pretends that he doesn’t see the worry in his eyes.

 

He walks Niall to his bed and tucks him in before bidding Liam goodnight and retiring to his own room. He doesn’t bother turning the lights on as he strips naked and settles against the cold sheets. He can feel goosepimples on his skin but he doesn’t know if they’re from the cold or from the thought that keeps circling around in his mind.

 

He has moved on. I haven’t.

 

He rolls over and falls asleep a while later hugging the extra pillow to his chest.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any thoughts? Wanna talk about the interview today or the train wreck the last few days have been? Like this chapter?
> 
> Here's what Louis and Zayn have been doing for the last couple years:
> 
> First day they met at uni: https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSPuBkJulnu2vmSOF0iDiJS_sXC8MXMsxWAI6g1miONNWavaQMX0g
> 
> Dorm Halloween party: https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQVwBHOVShJgxDAJI69EjLWW7kQ5PZ02z3R58L5C8nA45CZedXnWw
> 
> Stupid dress-up photo to send his mum when they went to Paris: https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQx2fV1sJL1VUOHDHsYiTyBOmJWxdRaptz8d8q6qZBHn4hPWUFd
> 
> Comic Relief for Radio One: https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSShCdGb1SiqDPhv56kE-5VXS0sMAypYKZM3059cKiGYhiKjNRZcg
> 
> Big Weekend promotion: https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTSzcARLKRxPPi_GSj5PBwuJ6VRfDRHo7nW4Rffo6YKj6mpGizF-Q
> 
> At the Big Weekend - Day 1(met Harry): http://metrouk2.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/ay_116610335-e1377522352907.jpg
> 
> https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTayfrvQTTFwbkHveGyV-GV3PQYKmkhoVsGtOFtjzccB2Q2c3aYzA
> 
> Harry at some point: http://24.media.tumblr.com/d3de9de8f6eeb609fd7ba51276eda34a/tumblr_n5s8g8UX6Q1rdv08ro1_1280.jpg
> 
> Hope that helps!


	10. If you gave me a chance I would take it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, again sorry for the confusing way these chapters are written. I wrote both their stories separately and had to fit them together somehow. Sorry if it's too confusing or repetitive. Go forth!

Harry

 

His eyes are not even completely open yet when Niall barges in to his room and jumps on the bed next to him. His head is a mild throb and all of a sudden every memory and every fear from yesterday comes crawling back.

 

He muffles the tiny voice of insecurity in his head, and sits up in bed as Niall tears through his drawers looking for something to eat probably.

 

“I didn’t pack any--”

 

“I was wondering where the crisps went! You didn’t bring any, how could you?”

 

“Packed in a hurry, didn’t we?”

 

“Yeah alright. We’re going to the dining hall, anyway. There’s a buffet!”

 

“We are?”

 

“Yeah, Nick’s already there and I’ve just come to get you. I’m starving, it’s like noon already.”

 

“Liam?”

 

“Gym. Tried to drag me along, I kneed him in the balls.”

 

He chuckles drily at that, Liam does always try to get them to go with him and exercise. While Harry prefers working out in the middle of the night when it’s silent, Niall takes a much more active path of denying Liam. 

 

“Let me just take a quick shower, then I’ll come with.”

 

“Alright, well I’ll wait here. Actually, let me just check in with Zayn.”

 

He stops walking mid-step because no. He is not eating breakfast with Zayn at the same table. Also, Zayn at breakfast means Louis at breakfast and just no.

 

He turns around to tell Niall no but then he sees him furiously typing something on his phone and he looks absolutely ecstatic. Harry doesn’t want to take any of this away from Niall because of his childish motives. He remembers every single time Niall walked around with a huge smile on his face because ‘Tommo made this sick joke, he’s so funny!’ 

 

Or every time Niall stayed up late at night listening to the show with dark circles under his eyes because ‘Tommo’s great craic!’ 

 

Before he can even say anything Niall looks up at him and starts talking,

 

“You think I should ask Tommo to come? ‘Cuz I know I get really fanboy-ish around him, d’you think he minds?”

 

“Niall, I’m sure he understands. He must be a fan of--”

 

“Not us that’s for sure! He actually covered one of ours but from 5 Seconds, like can you believe--”

 

Liam comes in before Niall can finish that sentence and truth be told, Harry really wants to hear Niall finish it. Who covered what? Did Louis sing now? Again?

 

There was that period of a couple months when Louis really wanted to sing, he even made demo tape. Harry remembers that holiday their families went on and Louis singing that piano song in the little cottage. 

 

He’s dreamt about that so many times over the years, the temptation to listen to that song getting to him on some lonely nights. But that’s all it was, Louis never went through with his singing plans. 

 

But now Niall’s saying he covered a song. On radio? One of theirs? It’s almost an itch he wants to scratch, ask Niall what song it was. If it was one of the new ones, one he wrote.

 

“Harry, are you alive there mate? Been calling your name for ages.”

 

“Oh sorry, I was thinking--”

 

“Clearly a mistake. Go take your shower so I can eat.”

 

“Yeah, alright.”

 

He rushes into the shower and lets the hot water bristle over his skin. He tries to forget everything that’s happened in the past few hours but it’s catching up with him. He can’t keep it buried like he has been for years. And it’s only been a day since he saw Louis again, not even that.

 

Niall’s suspiciously missing when he gets out of the shower and Liam is lounging on his bed with his phone in hand. 

 

“Niall’s gone to get Zayn, d’you think he fancies Tommo or summat?”

 

If he could look into a mirror right now, he’s sure he would be the definition of deer caught in headlights. Liam is looking at him expectantly and he just wants to run away. To get away from this mess. 24 hours ago he wasn’t even thinking of Louis and now that’s all he’s surrounded by.

 

“I don’t--”

 

“I mean, he almost worships the man. I can see where he’s coming from, I listened to some of his shows myself and he’s a really funny man. Not so hard on the eyes either.”

 

Harry’s frozen on the spot. 

 

Zayn is dating Louis. Niall worships Louis. Liam thinks Louis is fit.

 

Harry’s been in love with him for a decade and a half. 

 

Why is life so cruel? Why is this happening to him? Liam is still staring at him with raised eyebrows so he hurriedly walks to his suitcase left haphazardly on the side table and starts digging in for clothes. With his back to Liam, he closes his eyes for a second and takes a deep breath.

 

Flashes of icy blue eyes dance behind his eyelids so he snaps them open and rips off his towel a little more violently than strictly necessary.

 

“I’m not sure about Niall’s affections toward him.”

 

“Well, he is fit. I mean, I don’t usually go for blokes but him and his mate are both quite the pair. Which, I wonder if they’re--”

 

That’s it. That’s all he can take.

 

“All done! Let’s go.”

 

Liam shuts up thankfully and follows him toward the lift. He keeps his head bowed and his hand clasping the metal bar in the lift to keep the anger showing on his face. What is he even angry about? 

 

Yes, Louis is attractive. Yes, Zayn is attractive objectively speaking. 

 

“Niall’s gone to get Zayn, he’ll meet us downstairs.”

 

He silently nods his head and grips the metal bar a bit tighter. Liam leads him down a hallway from the lift and into a fairly empty room. Nick motions at them from a huge table, Niall is already sitting there as well. No sign of Zayn or Louis.

 

Liam seems to have noticed as well and he seems to be more curious than Harry, 

 

“Niall, weren’t you getting Zayn?”

 

“Yeah, I knocked on his door they’re coming down in a bit.”

 

“They?”

 

Harry keeps quiet as Liam seems to be doing a Spanish Inquisition with Niall who is happily answering everything. Nick smiles at him before going back to his pancakes.

 

“Yeah, I went to Zayn’s room the number he gave us last night and Tommo opened the door. I reckon they’re sharing--”

 

“D’you think they’re together?”

 

Harry’s grateful that he doesn’t have anything in his mouth because it would’ve come flying out right about now. There are times when he wants to knee Liam, and this is one of those times. 

 

“I don’t know, they do seem very close. Nick, d’you know anything about that?”

 

“Well, they’re best mates and they’ve been living together since uni...”

 

He feels a painful tug in his chest when he hears Nick saying they’re best mates. He used to be Louis’ best mate. Zayn has replaced him.

 

“... and as far as I know, in the last couple years I’ve known them they haven’t really been with anyone. So your guess is as good as mine!”

 

“I reckon they must be, last night Zayn was pretty much holding Louis to himself and he didn’t seem to protest.”

 

Fucking Liam.

 

“Well, we all have our doubts at the radio station. Fifi thinks they’re definitely together but we’ve never asked.”

 

“It would be weird asking something like that, I mean--”

 

He’s completely logged out of the conversation, Liam and Nick are going at it while Niall is stuffing his face with omelette while nodding his head every now and then. Harry wants to be anywhere but here. At some point, Fiona seems to have come in as well. He offers her a small smile as Nick continues his story.

 

“-that one time I found them both asleep in Zayn’s bed. I was looking for the toilet in the middle of the night and I stumbled into a dark room to find them all snuggled up in bed.”

 

He wants to drown all this out but he can’t. Not really, every part of his body is protesting and asking him to get up and leave. Go find Louis and confront him.

 

But about what? Confront him about what?

 

That he’s found someone? That he’s replaced Harry? He can’t fault Louis for that. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt to think of all the times when they snuggled in one of their beds. Or when they shared a room on family holidays. 

 

His head snaps up when he hears commotion and he finds Louis and Zayn walking toward the table. Everyone else has thankfully fallen silent, not discussing Louis and Zayn’s love life anymore because Harry knows he wouldn’t be able to sit through anymore.

 

The way they are interacting with each is a sad reminder of how they used to. Thier banter and digs at each other. Louis doesn’t look at him and Harry’s stomach curls uncomfortably when Zayn and he share a glance. The conversation from last night comes crawling back to the front of his mind and he fists his hand under the table.

 

Everyone around him engages in conversation while he sits there silently trying to forget everything that’s been said to him in the one hour he’s been awake. Everything pertaining to Louis.

 

He tries to forget the way Zayn had possessively curled his hand around Louis’ waist last night. He tries to forget Zayn’s words to him outside the club, asking him to stay away from Louis like he has the right. Tries to forget Liam’s claims this morning about how Louis is fit. Nick’s confession that he’d found Louis and Zayn cuddling in a bed.

 

He’s breaching every command he’d made for himself, every rule about not thinking of Louis. To preserve his sanity but right now he’s so close to losing it. 

 

While Louis and Zayn sit at the same table, bantering like he used to with Louis.

 

But he’s trying, he is trying so hard to hold on. 

 

Even as Zayn is holding on to Louis’ arm while laughing at one of his jokes, he’s holding on.

 

He loses it when Niall starts waxing poetic about Zayn. Zayn, who is apparently Zayn Malik. Simon’s right hand man as they were told by Paul a couple years ago. That’s all Harry knows about him, that he works for Simon and that he is well-respected.

 

But then Liam asks him if Zayn’s the one that he talked to two years ago about cancelling their UK tour dates after Harry had requested Liam to make the call. Zayn nods his head yes and seconds later Liam and Niall are both looking at him like he’s hung the moon.

 

The implication of this settles heavy in Harry’s gut after a moment of reflection. 

 

The anger bubbling in him makes his voice a little deeper than usual and if anyone notices the change they don’t mention it. He can’t help it when the words escape his mouth before he can stop them,

 

“Any reason you went out of your way to do that?”

 

Zayn just stares back at him while Liam chides for for his tone or what he’s said. He doesn’t really care, he wants to hear Zayn’s answer.

 

He says it was his job. Right.

 

So Zayn was responsible for the band being allowed to skip England. Zayn, who must know that Harry was in the band and who knew that Louis was in London. So, he made sure that Harry and Louis weren’t in the same city.

 

Even though that’s exactly what Harry wanted to avoid, when he thinks of Zayn making it possible he wants to punch a wall. 

 

Zayn manipulated the situation for his own benefit. He didn’t want his boyfriend to meet Harry. Just the fact that he had that kind of power over the situation makes something unfurl in him.

 

And from the way Louis is looking at Zayn, he didn’t know either. A small part of him almost smiles because now Louis will be mad at Zayn too. He will feel angry at being manipulated too.

 

Only Louis jumps to his defence when Harry points out that Zayn was just doing his job. He is startled at Louis’ reaction and the small voice in his head speaks up again.

 

‘What if he was the one who asked Zayn to do it? Make sure his boyfriend makes it so that you wouldn’t go back.’

 

He wants to think that no, Louis would never. But he remembers that he doesn’t know Louis anymore. He never really did, to be honest.  
Conversation plays around him as he sits there trying to stop himself from physically restraining Zayn and asking him if he intentionally manipulated them so his boyfriend was happy. He keeps it in, barely but he does.

 

Relief floods through him when they finally get up to back to their rooms. He hangs a bit behind just so he doesn’t have to hear anymore of the banter going on between the lads. He’s had his fill for a lifetime. 

 

Liam is telling them a story about when they went surfing last year in Miami and Harry’s almost glad the lifts are so close when he feels a sharp tug on his hand and before he can even turn around or see what’s happening, he’s standing in a bathroom in front of Louis.

 

Louis’ hand is gripping his wrist tightly, that’s one of his weak spots. He almost kneels down in front of him right then and there and the way Louis’ staring at him heatedly is not helping either. He steels his nerves and brings him eyes to Louis’ grip on his wrist rather slowly. Louis seems to catch on to his message because takes his hand back like he’s burnt.

 

This is it. 

 

Four years later, here they are. 

 

“Harry…”

 

Something snaps in him, just from that one word. Countless people have said his name all his life, more lately than before. Yelled his name at concerts, screamed his name on the streets, moaned his name in bed but no one, no one makes it sound as reverent as Louis does.

 

And just yesterday, he had stood in front of Harry pretending that he didn’t know him. He knows the words are bitter and the tone sharp but he is not the Harry who let Louis get away with everything. He’s not that boy anymore.

 

“So you do remember me, then?”

 

Louis looks at him with wide eyes, surprised at being called out. He feels an almost sick pleasure pool in his stomach.

 

“What?”

 

“Thought you’d forgotten after all this time. After all, I never was very memorable.”

 

The desperation conveyed in those words makes him bite his tongue. He shouldn’t be letting it show, the self-deprecating tone should tone it down but even after all these years he just can’t help letting his true emotions shine through poorly-disguised quips.

 

“You’re the one who introduced yourself to me like a stranger.”

 

Keep it calm, he tells himself. Don’t let him see you angry and weak. 

 

“And you didn’t? That’s what we are anyway, strangers.”

 

“If that’s the way you want it, fine. Just--”

 

“The way I want it? You--”

 

“Why are you being a dick to Zayn? He hasn’t done anything--”

 

That’s what it’s about. Not about seeing Harry after so long, not about how Louis is sorry for what happened. None of this is about Harry at all. 

 

“Oh, so that’s what this is about. Defending the honour of the boyfriend.”

 

“Why are you being so--”

 

He’s been trying so hard to keep the distaste off his face but he figures Louis’ already seen through him so why bother. He was probably going to call him out on being a prick anyway, so why not show him just how much of a prick he really is.

 

He’s angry, he really is. Louis takes a step back and then a couple more as Harry walks towards him. His back hits the wall but Harry doesn’t stop walking until he has Louis caged between himself and the wall. 

 

He’s taller now, has to look down at Louis’ face and just that bit of advantage that he seems to have on him makes a shiver run down his spine. Louis is looking up at him with wide eyes and Harry’s not really sure how to move back.

 

His body seems to be moving on its own, Louis’ eyes fixed on his face feel like an ecstasy he’s been chasing for years but never found. He leans down further till he can count individual flecks in those eyes and when he talks, every single morsel of anger translates to his voice,

 

“So you’re angry because I said something mean to Zayn. Is he refusing to fuck you now?”

 

He wants him to say no. He wants Louis to deny it. Just once.

 

“What’re you--”

 

He’s not denying it. 

 

Some primal part of him takes over then, he’s not in control anymore and all he can think is ‘You were mine. You were supposed to be mine. I would’ve given you everything.’ His thigh slides in between Louis’ legs before he can stop himself, and when Louis’ mouth falls open obscenely like that he can’t be blamed that he grinds his thigh down roughly.

 

And god, that noise Louis makes. Countless people he has seen coming undone, by his hand or otherwise but never has he heard someone breaking so beautifully at the hands of pleasure. His own voice has gone down an octave as he leans in further and asks Louis the question he’s been holding back for years essentially,

 

“Is that it? Does he fuck you everyday, then? You let him wreck you?”

 

Just saying it out loud makes him want to punch a wall, take his anger out on something. He wants to punish Louis for letting someone else do this to him, for giving someone else this power over him to touch him and see him like this when Harry would give up everything to be the only one. His leg moves down to push against Louis’ crotch and his heart almost leaps out of his chest when he feels Louis’ hard cock against his leg.

 

He’d have given anything to have this when he was eighteen. To be able to hold Louis like this, being the reason that Louis’ hard. 

 

He can’t help but keep looking at Louis’ face, his eyes are screwed shut and he’s biting down hard on his lip. Harry wants him to let it out, not hold it in and just scream. He moves his thigh against Louis’ cock again and keeps the pressure there this time and the broken moan that escapes Louis’ bitten lips almost makes him come on the spot. His own leaking cock is pressing into Louis’ sharp hipbone and he’s sure he’s never been more aroused.

 

Louis is absolutely lost in his hands, completely pliant as his fingers dig into Harry’s biceps. He despises Zayn for having seen Louis like this. For Louis being pliant under Zayn. His mouth is moving on its own, bringing his torturous thoughts to his lips as he whispers against Louis’ burning ear,

 

“Do you let him lay you out and lick you? Fuck you?”

 

Images of Louis lying spread out under Zayn flash across his mind, as much as he wants to step away from Louis and just leave this country and run and forget everything that’s happened, he can’t. Not when Louis’ like this, so close. 

 

But neither can he control how he’s feeling. Betrayed, that he wasn’t the one who made Louis feel like this for the first time. Entitled, even though Louis doesn’t owe him anything.

 

The anger that he has kept bottled up for years is bristling through his chest, making it hard for him to breathe or maybe it’s just the way Louis is choking on hiccups in his arms that has his him feeling like his lungs are failing to give him enough air to breathe in.

 

“Do you moan this loudly with him? I haven’t even touched you properly yet.”

 

Louis trembles ever so slightly against him and the next thing Harry knows he’s leaning down to pick Louis up and pin him against the wall. His arms are circling around Louis’ small frame, fingers digging into his thick thighs as he wraps his legs around Harry. He has never been this aroused just by holding onto someone, completely dressed. 

 

But he wants to be closer, for there to be no distance between them. Maybe that’s why he pulls Louis against his chest and moves closer against the wall too, because it feels like he’s almost one with Louis like this. Like they couldn’t be closer. His cock is throbbing painfully against his jeans, he thrusts up mindlessly but then he feels Louis bucking against him and he’s so so close.

 

“You like that? Can he hold you up like this?”

 

Louis’ arms come up to wrap around his neck, his eyes still screwed shut like he can’t even bear to look at Harry. He is still bucking against Harry, his cock trapped between their stomachs even as Harry keeps thrusting against his arse. 

 

He feels it, his cock brushing against Louis’ arse and the way Louis chokes on a sob he knows Louis felt him sliding along his rim as well and then he feels a sharp pain in his shoulder. He turns his head a little to find Louis biting down hard through his vest and God knows he has to try so hard to keep his voice from trembling or breaking,

 

“Biting me? Really?”

 

It spurs something on in him, the sharp pain shooting out through his arm and he knows it will leave a bruise. Just that thought alone makes him buck his hips forcefully, Louis is absolutely a mess in his arms and his own thrusts are frantic and desperate now.

 

But even in this haze, he can’t help but think of Zayn doing this to Louis. Of Zayn having the right to do this to Louis.

 

“What would your boyfriend think of this, then? Or does he not need to know?”

 

His hips don’t stop moving even as he spits those words out. He doesn’t think he could stop right now even if he tried. 

 

And then Louis speaks finally. After being silent for so long save for broken moans and whines, he speaks.

 

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

 

His body freezes when those words register in his mind. No, that can’t be. He’s staring into Louis’ eyes looking for any indication that he’s lying but all he finds is Louis looking back at him, with dark dark eyes. His fingers dig deeper into flesh as his mind literally stutters to a stop comprehending those words.

 

Zayn is not Louis’ boyfriend. 

 

Louis is not with Zayn. He doesn’t let Zayn see him like this. He hasn’t replaced Harry.

 

Maybe he’s right, maybe he’s not but just the fact that Zayn is not Louis’ partner makes something settle in him. Like dust settling after the first few drops of rain, the smell after that.

 

Petrichor, his brain uselessly supplies.

 

That’s how he feels. His hips start moving before he even realizes, Louis’ cock twitching against his abs and he has no control over his movements as he thrusts up against Louis. This time he’s moving with a total abandonment, his legs shaking a bit as he pushes Louis further up the wall and his cock settles against his arse on every thrust. 

 

Harry’s so far gone that he doesn’t even realize that his mouth’s on Louis’ neck, teeth dragging on heated skin and his lips lingling with the sour taste of sweat. Louis sounds absolutely broken in his arms, his own mouth against Harry’s skin but no matter how hard he tries to muffle the whines and sobs, Harry can hear him coming undone slowly.

 

He bites down on Louis’ neck and soothes it with his tongue all the while holding off on his release because just the way Louis is trembling in his arms like a child scared of thunderstorms he’s sure he could come any second he let go. 

 

He feels sharp teeth digging into his neck and that’s it, his hips stutter in their movement and it only takes him one thrust, two before Louis’ crying out his release and that’s all it takes.

 

He comes hard in his jeans, spots behind closed eyelids and shaky thighs as he puts Louis down finally. He’s not sure how long he stood there just holding Louis up after they were done but it wasn’t long enough. He doesn’t want to let go just yet but he knows he doesn’t have the right.

 

Louis is silent in front of him, his eyes bowed down staring at the floor as if he can’t bring himself to look at Harry. He’s not sure what to feel either. This is the last thing he thought he’d do if he ever met Louis again.

 

“Zayn is not my boyfriend. He never was.”

 

That breaks him out of his thought and he’s left standing there staring at Louis. He’s not the same person he was years ago, Harry can tell as much but he’s not sure if there’s anything left of that Louis in this man. 

 

“Not even back then.”

 

That brings a wave nostalgia that bowls over him completely. He’s wordless, got nothing to say. What could he even say to that?

 

That’s he an idiot for believing that all these years. That he’s a fool for hating Zayn for years for something he didn’t even do. That’s he’s fucking stupid for believing that Louis lied to him about this. 

 

None of this answers any of the questions he’s had for years. But it does tell him that Louis didn’t sleep with Zayn.

 

‘Doesn’t mean he didn’t have a boyfriend. Doesn’t mean he didn’t lie.’

 

It’s right, that voice inside his head is right. Just because Louis wasn’t or isn’t with Zayn doesn’t mean he didn’t lie about being with someone. 

 

And he’s just rubbed himself against Louis and come in his pants like a teenager. He can see himself in the mirror on the bathroom wall and he can’t match his own eyes. He’s a fucking idiot for falling for Louis Tomlinson again.

 

He rushed out of the bathroom before Louis can pull him in. Tears prick at his eyes as he rides the lift up to his room and locks the door behind himself. He hasn’t let himself break like this in so long. But now he feels like he can’t hold on even a second longer.

 

Louis Tomlinson ruined him for everyone else when he was eighteen. 

 

And he’s still at it.

 

***

 

Louis

 

***

 

He finds Niall standing outside the door with his hand raised to knock again. He startles when Louis opens the door, his face contorted into surprise as if he wasn’t expecting Louis to be here.

 

“Um, Nick said Zayn was in this room…”

 

He catches Niall’s eyes travelling past him and through the space between the open door to rest on where Zayn is snoring on the bed.  
“Yeah, we uh--we’re sharing the room.”

 

“Oh, well good then! I was going to ask Zayn what room you’re in so it’s convenient. Listen, the lads and I are going down to the buffet for food and Nick’s tagging along. I figured you could eat with us.”

 

His mind quickly goes to Harry being a part of this group and an excuse is on the tip of his tongue when Zayn groans loudly,

 

“Whatzit?”

 

Niall’s face does a weird fond thing and if Louis didn’t know better he’d think Niall was harboring more than friendly affections for his mate.

 

“Uh, Niall’s here. He’s asking if we want food--”

 

Zayn’s up in a second and that surprises Louis more than anything because the room could be on fire but Zayn Malik would not notice if he was sleeping and yet one mention of Niall and he’s sitting upright in bed staring at the door like it’s the second coming of Christ.

 

“Yeah, we should go. I’m up.”

 

Niall chuckles and pats his shoulder, Louis is absolutely lost as to what is happening right now. 

 

“See you in the dining hall, Lads!”

 

And with that he’s gone. Louis is left standing next to the open door staring at the empty hallway and wondering what’s just happened. He’s agreed to having breakfast or lunch really with Harry. 

 

Harry Styles. The popstar.

 

Harry, who used to be his mate. The boy he’s been in love with for fifteen years.

 

But it’s not his Harry anymore, no he is gone. 

 

Zayn comes up behind him and closes the door. His hand is firm on Louis’ shoulder as he turns him around and pulls him toward himself.

 

“How’re you holding up, Lou?”

 

He buries his face in Zayn’s neck and holds on tightly. Not that different from that day when he’d had that fight with Harry and driven to London.

 

“Lou, do you think we should go back? We can--”

 

“No, it’s alright.”

 

Zayn doesn’t let go, Louis needs to hold on for just one more second. Just one more. He takes a deep breath to ground himself before letting go. Zayn sees the determined look on his face and smiles.

 

“Lou, we don’t have to go eat with them. I was just talking in my sleep--”

 

“Speaking of, since when have you been doing that?”

 

A dusting of bright red shows up on Zayn’s perfect cheekbones and Louis believes he has found a nerve.

 

“I don’t--”

 

“Oh really, because I distinctly remember you sleeping through a fire alarm in the dorms and us getting fined for it. And yet four words from Niall Horan and you’re up like a twelve year old yelling at a concert!”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“That’s the comeback? From Zayn I-will-shut-you-down-with-a-single-look Malik? You alright, mate? Need a lie down?”

 

“Piss off, Tommo.”

 

“Alright, okay. I’ll shut up but I’ve seen it.”

 

He does the ‘my eyes are on you’ gesture and scampers off to the bathroom when Zayn narrows his eyes at him and starts chasing him. 

 

He shuts and locks the door from inside and laughs when he hears Zayn run into the door.

 

“You’re gonna get out at some point!”

 

“Not if I climb out the window.”

 

“We’re on the seventeenth floor, you twat!”

 

“Fine, then I’ll stay in here till you leave the room.”

 

“I’m so not up for doing that again. Fine, you can just come out and I’ll forget what a little shit you are.”

 

“Just tellin’ it how I see it, sugar.”

 

“Fucking dork.”

 

He hears Zayn mutter before moving away from the door. He strips out of his clothes and steps into the shower.

 

“I’ll tell you how I see it, Tomlinson! And hurry up, don’t use all the hot water!”

 

He starts singing loudly to drown out Zayn’s voice because he hates when Louis starts belting out songs in their shared bathroom in the flat. Sure enough, he hears Zayn cursing loudly when he turns off the shower.

 

He’s still trying to get his hair to stand up perfectly even after blow-drying them in the bathroom, but when he gets out he finds Zayn sitting on the edge of the bed looking like he’s just walked out of a photoshoot.

 

He hasn’t even had a shower cuz Louis hogged it. He hasn’t even washed his face.

 

“Just how the fuck is it that you look like that without even washing your face? And I can’t get my stupid hair to set even after styling it?”

 

“We all have our--”

 

“If you say levels, I will punch you in the face.”

 

“Didn’t your mum tell you not to do that again?”

 

“Let’s just fucking go.”

 

He grumbles in the lift while Zayn just looks at him with an unamused face, Louis knows he’s hiding that tiny smile that’s reserved for him.

 

They’ve bickered more than usual today but he knows it’s Zayn’s tactic to keep him distracted. He’ll probably keep doing that through the meal just so Louis doesn’t slip into his Harry-mode. 

 

Yes, that’s a thing. Yes, it’s sad. It hasn’t happened in years but Zayn remembers it all too well. He wasn’t a big fan of it back then. So, after trying everything he concluded that the only way to get Louis out is to distract him. And there’s no better way to distract Louis Tomlinson than engage him in banter.

 

“Would you stop doing that discreet smile thing you do? I can see it, y’know.”

 

“Are you telling me to stop smiling? Is that what you--”

 

“You’re so fucking annoying sometimes.”

 

“Oh I’m annoying? What about you, when you leave your fucking shoes right in front of the door and then I come in drunk and step on your fucking Vans and fall down to land in your stupid braces.”

 

“Well you could’ve turned the light on, I don’t know that could solve--”

 

“So you won’t stop leaving your--”

 

“Lads!”

 

They both stop when Nick yells and it takes Louis a moment to realize that they’ve walked into the dining hall while bickering and everyone around the small table is staring at them. Fifi is hiding her laughter behind her hand even though she’s seen them arguing countless times. Liam and Niall are looking at them with surprised faces while Harry is staring down at his plate.

 

“Hiya Nick!”

 

Zayn greets them all and sits down opposite Harry. Louis sits down next to him and shoots him a grateful smile before nodding toward everyone else. There is a mountain of food, quite literally a mountain, in the middle of the table so they both get their plates and settle down to eat. Nick breaks the silence a moment later.

 

“So Tommo, how was your night in? Sit with your type-writer in bed and a glass of whiskey? Maybe play bridge with the senior citizens down the hall?”

 

“What’d you do? Go out to the thrift store? Looking for some all-natural organic mascara so your eyelashes look the perfect volume without harming any animals? Or didja go looking for grandma cardigans to go with your ten foot quiff?”

 

He’s still looking at Nick who’s staring back from across the table when a loud bark of laughter echoes through the hall. Louis looks around to find Niall sitting with a hand clasped on his mouth, his face a dark shade of red as he tries to suppress the laughter. Everyone else is deadly silent and Louis wonders if he went too far but then Nick snorts and starts laughing too.

 

Within a second, everyone is laughing and Zayn is practically vibrating next to him. When his eyes wander toward Harry to see if he’s laughing too, Louis catches him looking back.

 

Harry’s eyes are glued to where Zayn is holding on to Louis’ arm as he snickers. When he catches Louis looking, he looks away.

 

“Oh God that was brilliant! No offence Nick, but he completely burned you.”

 

“I know Nialler, he usually does. Kitty does have sharper claws today, I wonder just how much he slept in after all.”

 

“I was watching telly, if you must know.”

 

“So you’re saying you stayed in and watched telly? While we were out getting plastered in the best club in Glasgow?”

 

“I wasn’t feeling so good.”

 

“Well, you’re definitely feeling good today if that rant was any indication. Zayn, how about you?”

 

“I’m alright, mate.”

 

“I didn’t know you two were sharing till Niall told us.”

 

Liam is looking at him expectantly and Louis has no idea what to say. Why is this a question? Have they discussed the fact that he and Zayn are sharing a room? What?

 

Zayn comes to his rescue and gives them a pretty inclusive answer that shouldn’t warrant any further discussion because why are they even talking about this in the first place.

 

“Yeah, we’re not exactly rich so we thought we’d share.”

 

But of course if anyone can find something to cause Louis a headache, it’s Nick Grimshaw and his big mouth.

 

“Not true. I know for a fact that at least you, Zayn Malik are no penniless struggling ar--”

 

“Wait, Zayn Malik? As in Simon Cowell’s right-hand man, Zayn Malik?”

 

Liam’s inquisitive voice cuts through Nick’s stupid objection and it takes Louis a second too late to realize that everyone is staring at Zayn. Well, Nick looks like he’s just done everyone a huge favour while Fifi is busy eating eggs but everyone else is staring.

 

“I uh--I wouldn’t go that far but yes, I do work for Simon.”

 

“You’re--I talked to you about cancelling the UK leg of our tour the first year.”

 

Louis snaps his head to stare at Zayn because this is new information. He was never told about this. Zayn looks a bit uncomfortable for all the attention on him but damnit, Louis needs to know if Liam is right.

 

“Yes, that was me.”

 

His mouth almost falls open at Zayn’s rushed confession. So, what? Zayn knew that One Direction was signed with his company even last year, not only that he also worked for them. Well, indirectly but still. And then he came home and didn’t tell Louis. 

 

That he had basically made sure that Harry wouldn’t come to England. That he had a hand in that decision.

 

“I just, wow this is really surprising.”

 

Liam shuts up then but Niall pipes up right after. 

 

“Thanks for that, we didn’t know if Simon would agree. Paul told us it was you who convinced him.”

 

Louis’ eyes narrow of their own accord when he hears this. So Zayn went out of his way to convince his boss to let One Direction skip England. Okay. And he never told Louis.

 

“It was my job--”

 

“Any reason you went out of your way to do that?”

 

His eyes snap to Harry when he hears that deep voice talking over him. Last night he was drunk, and shocked and it was just two words so he hadn’t noticed but now in broad daylight when he hears Harry’s voice and how deep it is, he almost bites his tongue.

 

He shakes his head and brings himself back to the situation where Harry is staring accusingly at Zayn who’s staring back just as intently while Liam expresses his shock,

 

“Harry!”

 

“It was because Liam told me you lads were uncomfortable performing in the UK yet so I talked to Simon about it. He agreed that our clients come first and foremost.”

 

Zayn is looking at Harry with a blank face that Louis knows is his provocative face. He’s going to just stare silently till Harry challenges him again. Frankly, he’d like to avoid that. Even though he is a bit angry with Zayn for not telling him he was indirectly in contact with Harry, he doesn’t want Harry and Zayn to get into an argument.

 

There’s too much to be said here so he hopes this conversation stops before a fight breaks out. Thankfully, Niall interjects.

 

“Not all music companies think like that and I know Simon might’ve pushed us if you hadn’t interfered so thanks.”

 

Harry’s voice cuts in again before anyone can say anything.

 

“He was just doing his job.”

 

Okay, that’s it. Louis does not appreciate Harry spitting bitter words at Zayn. Zayn himself looks calm as he ducks his head and starts eating his pancakes. Everyone else seems to have gone back to eating as well.

 

Louis can’t help but glare at Harry who avoids his eyes purposefully. He clenches his fist under the table to stop himself from lashing out at Harry.

 

He’s being so immature. Just because Zayn is Louis’ mate doesn’t mean he’ll insult him or talk down to him at a table full of people. He takes a deep breath to hold off on the anger till they finish eating.

 

***

 

Just as Nick and Niall are clearing the plates from the table, Louis chances a glance at Harry and finds him silently glaring in Zayn’s direction. Harry catches him looking and steals his eyes again just as they all start walking back to the lift.

 

That’s it, he thinks. He’s seen enough.

 

He slows down to let everyone walk in front and then grips Harry’s wrist and yanks him back and into the bathroom just as everyone else walks away. Harry looks shocked when he finds Louis standing in front of him, his hand still gripping Harry’s wrist tightly. 

 

When Harry’s eyes go to the wrist, he promptly let’s it go.

 

And now here they are, standing in a hotel bathroom staring at each other. For the first time since yesterday, Louis looks into bright green eyes and they look back without flinching away.

 

“Harry--”

 

“So you do remember me, then?”

 

“What?”

 

“Thought you’d forgotten after all this time. After all, I never was very memorable.”

 

“You’re the one who introduced yourself to me like a stranger.”

 

“And you didn’t? That’s what we are anyway, strangers.”

 

“If that’s the way you want it, fine. Just--”

 

“The way I want it? You--”

 

“Why are you being a dick to Zayn? He hasn’t done anything--”

 

“Oh, so that’s what this is about. Defending the honour of the boyfriend.”

 

“Why are you being so--”

 

Harry is looming over him, Louis knew there was a height difference between them now but he can’t help but help small in front of Harry right now. Who keeps walking toward him and he has to step back, his back hits the wall but Harry doesn’t stop moving till his chest if flush against Louis’. He feels caged between the wall and Harry who’s standing close enough that they’re touching chest to legs. 

 

Harry leans down even further and his face is so close to Louis’, he can feel Harry’s breath on his cheeks.

 

“So you’re angry because I said something mean to Zayn. Is he refusing to fuck you now?”

 

“What’re you--”

 

His words are cut short when Harry moves his thigh in between Louis’ legs, his mouth is actually left open at the shock of the situation. Harry grinds down his thigh against his crotch, it’s not his fault that the noise that escapes his open lips is positively obscene in the empty bathroom. 

 

“Is that it? Does he fuck you everyday, then? You let him wreck you?”

 

His eyes slip closed when Harry shifts a little and the pressure on his cock makes him moan brokenly. Harry’s thigh pushes against him again, he can feel Harry’s hardness digging into his hip and his brain just gives up. 

 

He has never been this close to anyone except Zayn once and that’s not what he wants to think about especially after what Harry’s whispering in his ear.

 

“Do you let him lay you out and lick you? Fuck you?”

 

No, he wants to say. He wants Harry to stop saying all this. And to stop doing all this. He wants..

 

“Do you moan this loudly with him? I haven’t even touched you properly yet.”

 

Harry’s hands travel down the back of his thighs and the next second he’s being lifted with his back against the wall and Harry’s hands on his thighs digging in roughly. Louis’ legs wrap around his waist to keep himself steady as he pushes Louis further into the wall and when he feels Harry’s cock right under his arse his breath hitches in his throat.

 

“You like that? Can he hold you up like this?”

 

His eyes are screwed shut because he just doesn’t know how he can look at Harry like this. His arms go up from scratching helplessly against the wall to wrap around Harry’s neck, he tries to stay quiet but he can’t help the little hiccups when Harry purposefully moves his cock against his arse. Even through all the layers of clothes, it brushes against his hole and he bites down hard on Harry’s shoulder to keep another moan from escaping.

 

“Biting me? Really?”

 

Harry thrusts up again, more forcefully this time and Louis can feel precome leaking through his pants. His own hard cock is caught between Harry and himself, rubbing against Harry’s stomach every time he moves. His thrusts get harder, rougher as he pushes Louis down while moving his hips.

 

“What would your boyfriend think of this, then? Or does he not need to know?”

 

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

 

The second the words leave his mouth, Harry stops. His eyes are wide as they bore into Louis’ and his hands dig even further into his thighs. Louis can’t bring himself to push him away, he’s too far gone. Harry’s staring at him like he’s seeing Louis for the first time and just that look makes his cock twitch where it’s trapped against Harry’s stomach. That seems to stir him into action as he thrusts up again and Louis’ absolutely lost to everything else.

 

It almost feels like Harry’s fucking him, he’s got a fast rhythm going and his mouth is on Louis’ neck now raking his teeth across his pulsepoint. He tries to keep quiet but every time he feels Harry’s cock against his hole broken moans escape him. He buries his face in Harry’s neck to smother them but then Harry bites down hard on his neck and Louis is absolutely gone.

 

He’s trembling in Harry’s arms as the thrusts keep coming, Harry’s tongue soothing as it laves on his neck over the mark. They’re both panting now and Louis leans his head down and bites down on Harry’s neck. His hips stutter in their movement before he starts again, when Louis feels their cocks brushing slightly he comes with a cry muffled in Harry’s shirt. 

 

He feels Harry’s hips stop moving as well, as he keeps holding Louis up even as his arms give out a little and Louis slips a bit down the wall. He doesn’t know how long it takes him to catch his breath, Harry puts him down and steps back. Louis is staring at the floor because he doesn’t know what’s just happened.

 

Harry doesn’t say anything either, laboured breaths echo around the bathroom.

 

“Zayn is not my boyfriend. He never was.”

 

Harry look at him then. His eyes are unreadable as they stare back into Louis’.

 

“Not even back then.”

 

Harry doesn’t say anything, Louis just wants him to speak. To say something, anything. To tell him what he did wrong. So he can make it right. 

 

But Harry turns around and walks out of the bathroom leaving him behind like he did years ago. Only this time he’s standing in sticky pants, tears springing into his eyes as he looks in the mirror and takes in his disheveled state. 

 

For one second his mind goes back to those photos he had seen in the papers, those things he’d heard on the news of late-night parties and drunken men and had thought no, Harry could never do that. Maybe he was wrong after all.

 

Maybe Harry is a completely different person. 

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, awkward smut - check! Is there anything you liked in this? Anything you didn't? (I already know I fucked up about the format, cheers!)
> 
> More Photos 
> 
> Day 2: https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRuem3umnMwbktrgYvCUCnhXqAaWGoC_heqp2smQF66EdJkfpR2qg
> 
> Tommo and Niall Horan: http://images.mstarz.com/data/images/full/16912/niall-horan-and-louis-tomlinson.jpg
> 
> Day 3: http://www.blogcdn.com/slideshows/images/slides/211/171/3/S2111713/slug/l/456585517-1.jpg
> 
> He's trying to kill us.


	11. Love, love will tear us apart again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, so sorry for the confusing format again but I hope you bear with me on this! 
> 
> PS- Title from song by Joy Division.

Louis

 

Logic defies him, reason escapes and nothing makes sense. He’s standing on the balcony of his and Zayn’s hotel room staring at the city and the buzzing of life that’s just started for the day. He’s been staring for a while.

 

Harry had left without a word, just turned his back on him and left. He couldn’t help but wonder if this is how Harry had felt when he had left back then. If he’d been as lost, and he was a kid too. Poor baby, he wants to think but then that leads him to wonder if Harry’s exacting revenge. If this is his way of hurting Louis the way he was hurt? 

 

Holding him so close to himself, giving him the warmth he’s been craving for years, giving him the most intimate memory of his life. His never been with another person, bar Zayn, this is the closest Louis’ ever been to anyone. And all of it could be Harry punishing him? 

 

No.

 

He wouldn’t. 

 

The Harry he knew would never be this cruel, he couldn’t even dream of hurting someone intentionally but then that boy is gone, he reminds himself. 

 

This Harry goes out and gets plastered and parties till the next day, he sleeps around. Louis is probably nothing but a quick orgasm for him. 

 

Even now, he can’t convince himself. Even after Harry’s walked out on him seconds after they’d rubbed off against each other. He had kept saying all those things, whispering them angrily in Louis’ ear and that was the only sign that Harry remembered him.

 

And yet the second Louis had corrected him in his misconceptions, Harry had turned around and left. As if it meant nothing to him. As if he was a different person than the one Louis was talking to. 

 

And he’d stood there staring at the spot Harry had stood in for a good while before someone had come into the bathroom and broke him from his trance. He wasn’t even sure where he was going until Niall found him in the hallway and asked him if he was alright.

 

Through his excited chatter all Louis had been able to do was nod, but at least he had accompanied Louis to his room and left with him a promise of seeing him later at the festival.

 

Zayn wasn’t in the room when he’d come back when all he wanted to do was tell him. Tell him everything and ask him why Harry seemed to think they were together. Anger had taken over him again as he sat on the bed waiting for Zayn to come back.

 

Zayn didn’t tell him he worked for One Direction. 

 

Zayn didn’t tell him he was responsible for Harry not returning to England for years.

 

Zayn knew what it did to him, he saw what it did to him. Everyday, he saw Louis living with the guilt and going on with his life with poorly disguised heartache and he still didn’t tell him.

 

After a bit even his anger gave out. 

 

He’s standing in the balcony now, half an hour later just staring at strange roads and unknown faces. Nothing matters anymore.  
Harry is angry at him, more than he had thought.

 

He’s a different person than the one Louis walked out on. 

 

And even if he isn’t, he is pretending to be. Someone who rubbed off against him in a bathroom and then walked away like anything Louis had to say didn’t matter.

 

So he changes into the comfortable clothes he brought along and sits down on his bed with a book he's been meaning to read for awhile. It’s just two more days, he tells himself. Two more and then he’ll be back home and doing what he’s been doing for four years. 

 

Lying to himself.

 

***

 

Zayn finds him an hour or so later slumped over his laptop and reading up on every article even remotely mentioning Harry Styles or One Direction, squinting at the screen and talking to himself.

 

“Why do you look like you’ve just discovered a new actor and are going to memorize his height and weight and siblings’ names?”

 

“That was one time.”

 

“Let’s see, Leo DiCaprio, David Tennant, Hugh Grant, Harrison Ford, Bubblegum Cabbagepatch--”

 

“Benedict Cumberbatch.”

 

“Yeah, him. So point being, have you discovered another one to watch all their movies and shows in one day?”

 

“Harry.”

 

“What?”

 

“Harry, I’m--”

 

“Oh no, fuck Lou. Get away from--”

 

“Piss off, mate.”

 

“Louis, you know what happens--”

 

“Actually no, Zayn, I don’t know. I don’t know anything, it seems.”

 

The laptop lies forgotten on the bed as he gets up and stands next to it staring at Zayn, who’s looking back at him with narrowed eyes. But it’s not surprise on his face when he hears those words like Louis had expected, he looks like someone who knows what’s coming.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I think you know what I mean.”

 

“Look, about the tour thing it was my job. I couldn’t--”

 

“I’m the last person who’d ask you to do anything to risk your job and you know it. I’ve seen you build yourself from the ground up, I’d never ask you to risk that. But you lied to me--”

 

“I didn’t lie, I never lied. I just…”

 

“Didn’t tell me the truth. You saw me struggling, everyday. You were there when the guilt got too much, you saw me that day when I saw his face on that billboard. You knew. You already knew where he was and what he was doing but you never told me while I spent every moment of everyday thinking I’d led to his wrecking. You knew--”

 

“I didn’t want to hurt you, I--”

 

“You came home from work that day, and saw me being miserable? Do you remember that day Liam called you to cancel the tour? Do you remember coming home and pretending like you didn’t know where Harry was? Remember me, was I struggling that day too?”

 

“Louis, you were finally moving on--”

 

“Was I? Because I don’t remember even one day in four years when I didn’t think of him. So how did you decide that I was moving on?”

 

“Lou, don’t do this again. You know you were moving on, slowly but you were. And I’m not going to let him break you again.”

 

“Is that why you told him?”

 

“What?”

 

“He thinks we’re together. That we were together back then, too.”

 

“I didn’t say that. I swear, I never--”

 

“But you did say something.”

 

“I…”

 

“What’d you say?”

 

“I was just looking out for you.”

 

“What did you say?”

 

“I told him to stay away from you.”

 

“Well, congratulations. He agrees with you on that.”

 

Zayn is staring at him wide unbelieving eyes and Louis doesn’t want to be angry at him. He doesn’t, but he is. Because Zayn kept them apart two years ago, inadvertently. And he’s keeping them apart now.

 

“Did he tell you? About what I said, I mean. Did he say anything else--”

 

“Yeah, he asked me if I let you fuck me while he was holding me up against the wall in the bathroom. And then we both came in our pants after rubbing against each other like any little touch of skin on skin after years of no contact was enough.”

 

Zayn’s mouth is open in disbelief and he’s looking at Louis like he’s waiting for him to admit that he is taking the piss.

 

“I’m not lying. He pinned me to the wall and I held on to him like I’d die if I didn’t. So yeah, the closest I’ve ever been to anyone was in a loo rubbing my arse against his dick and biting down on his shoulder to keep the moans down. A quick, cheap orgasm from the man I used to dream about marrying and having kids with.”

 

“Louis…”

 

“Please go.”

 

“I never meant--”

 

“I know, but please just go. I can’t do this right now.”

 

“Okay.”

 

He’s still standing next to the bed even though his knees are buckling under him. Zayn has walked to the door, he finally lets his eyes shut to keep the bitter tears from falling. 

 

“I won’t come back till you’re fine but I just wanted to let you know that Simon wants to work on a single as soon as we get back. I convinced him to let you pick what song, we’re meeting with the songwriters on Monday and--”

 

“I have a song.”

 

Zayn is staring at him with wide eyes, his hand still on the door handle. 

 

“What?”

 

He hasn’t written anything in years. Well, except for the one song he had started writing that first year without Harry but hadn’t finished till last night. Last night, lying in bed awake thinking of everything he wanted to say to Harry. All his fears and vulnerabilities bared stark naked for the whole world to see.

 

Last night when Harry had refused to even look at him. 

 

He’d lied awake in bed and the words had just come. And he’d hopped out of bed at three in the morning, tiptoeing on the carpet so Zayn wouldn’t wake up and wrote down the words on the hotel napkin lying next to the mini-bar.

 

That was before Harry held him though, touched him and spat angry words at him. But he still wants to sing it, he thinks. Still wants to admit all his fears. Even though Harry might not listen. 

 

Even though he might not care.

 

“Louis, are you sure? I can--”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Just that one word and he turns around and leaves the room. He’s left standing on weak knees staring at an empty room and failing to come up with an explanation as to how he ended up here.

 

Here, in a hotel room four years later with his best mate in the same place - angry and resentful. How did he end up here? How did he fuck up so much? Harry hates him, can’t stand the sight of him when they were both it for each other. Just how has he ended up here, a stranger to the one person who knew him. 

 

He walks over to the mini bar and walks back with a handful of miniature whiskey bottles and the napkin with his thoughts jotted down on it.

 

Joy Division plays on his laptop as he gulps down the bitter whiskey and starts typing the song into a word document. Ian Curtis bellows about love tearing him and his beloved apart and Louis thinks, I can relate to that.

 

Probably more than any other song, this one I can relate to.

 

Half an hour later, his mind’s a pleasurable buzz as his fingers flit over the keyboard as he gives words to his most private thoughts. He’s well on his way to being drunk and he’s sure no one would mind if he did show up intoxicated to the night’s performances. 

 

Just as he’s replaying his youtube playlist, his phone vibrates where it’s lying on the night stand. It’s an unknown number but he picks up anyway, he’s been locked up in his room for the better part of the day and his inebriated brain thinks any company is good right now. 

 

“Tommo! It’s Niall, I got your number out of Zayn; he’s at the bar drinking himself mad.”

 

“Oh, is he alright?”

 

“Yeah, Liam and I are here too. Just wanted to check on you actually, Zayn seems a bit worried.”

 

“I’m alright, was coming down actually for tonight’s performances--”

 

“Oh perfect, we were going over soon too. You should come with us, you and Zayn.”

 

“Oh that’s alright, I can just--”

 

“There’s plenty of space in the car, Harry went over a while ago with Nick so you two can fit.”

 

The mention of Nick with Harry makes something uncomfortable settle in his gut. Nick is allowed to be near Harry when he can’t even bear to look at Louis. He chugs another tiny bottle of whiskey from the mini bar, his vision swims a little. 

 

“That sounds great, I’ll meet you lot at the bar in ten.”

 

“See you then!”

 

He shuts down the laptop and stands up to get ready, his feet don’t quite plant reliably on the floor and he has to shoot out a hand against the wall to keep himself from falling over.

 

So maybe he’s a bit more drunk than he thought. Good.

 

Ten minutes later, he’s walking out of the lift and toward the bar dressed up impeccably in his blazer and favourite white t-shirt. It had been a pain to style his hair in the wavy fashion that Eleanor had taught him, but he knows he’s looking fit as almost everyone turns around to get a second look as he walks through the hotel lobby.

 

He finds Niall and Liam standing next to Zayn who is huddled over the bar with his chin on his arms. Niall spots him first and if Louis didn’t know better he’d think Niall fancies him rather than Zayn.

 

“Tommo, there you are!”

 

“Niall, you can call me Louis, y’know. I think we’re close enough.”

 

“Oh cheers, mate! I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable.”

 

“I consider us mates, Nialler. Plus, you’d have to do a lot worse to make me uncomfortable.”

 

“Don’t encourage him, Louis.”

 

Liam is looking at him with warm eyes and Louis wonders if Liam would be this warm and innocent looking if he spent a bit of time with him and Zayn. Probably not, he concludes.

 

“Liam, alright?”

 

“I’m good, you?”

 

“Fine. I do feel about last night though, I didn’t want to bail on you lads. We can make up for that tonight, I’m up for a little partying if you are.”

 

“Alright, get in! This is going to be a fun night.”

 

“I hope so, Niall. I hope so.”

 

He promptly ignores the worried looks Zayn flashes him and pats his shoulder before following Niall to where their car is parked. On the short ride over, he and Niall talk about pranks they’d like to play on people and for the first time in days, Louis feels happy.

 

The pressure of the label signing, seeing Harry and everything else aside he has a genuine conversation with Niall and he finds himself laughing with total abandonment. It feels like Niall and he are supposed to be mates - in some other world - that they are supposed to joke around and laugh at silly things.

 

He feels Zayn’s concerned eyes on him as he chats with Niall but other than a small smile, he doesn’t acknowledge it in anyway. Zayn looks away after a while. 

 

What he hadn’t expected is Liam almost staring at him the whole way. He can feel the gaze on his face, the heat of his eyes as he listens to Niall. It’s not discomfort he feels, but it is surprising for sure. The blush high on his cheeks betraying his inacknowledging eyes. 

 

By the time the car comes to a stop, he feels like he’s known Niall for years. When they get out, cameras are flashing in their faces and Niall is holding on tightly to him with a hand around his shoulders and smiling for the crowd. 

 

Louis feels like he has woken up in a different world, with paparazzi and fans and screaming girls. Niall doesn’t let go even as they walk down the narrow path littered with reporters. When a huge man pokes Niall and points toward a reporter Louis tries to pull back but Niall just drags him along. 

 

He turns around to find Zayn and Liam standing in front of a reporter as well, Liam’s eyes meet his for a second and it might just be a trick of the light but he thinks Liam winked. Niall taps him on the shoulder to get him to turn around and he he doesn’t get a chance to respond to Liam.

 

“--it your original?”

 

The woman is looking at him curiously but he has no clue what’s been asked. Niall laughs loudly next to him before asking her to repeat the question.

 

“Oh, I uh--I didn’t realize the single had been announced.”

 

“It’s all over twitter and Syco’s website. Everyone’s speculating about it, people seem to think you might have your own lyrics.”

 

“I do. I mean, I haven’t shown it to anyone yet but I do have something written down. Maybe it’ll work out, we’ll see.”

 

Before the woman can say anything Niall leans forward toward the mic,

 

“I bet they’re ace. Can’t wait to hear it, personally.”

 

Niall’s hand tightens reassuringly on his shoulder for a second and he thinks it reminds him of a time when Harry used to think he hung the moon. He pushes that thought away and smiles at Niall, tries to tell him he’s grateful without using words.

 

“Are you two good mates? I’ve never seen anything about--”

 

“We are, just met really but I have a feeling we’re going to be the best of mates.”

 

Niall pulls him into an impromptu hug when Louis finishes answering her and he thinks he need to get drunk to deal with the level of respect and fondness Niall seems to have for him.

 

“I love his show, used to listen to it everyday. But now that I’ve met him, maybe I won’t be as creepy anymore!”

 

They all laugh at that and then the huge man from before comes back and announces that they need to go inside. Niall doesn’t lose his grip around him as they walk into the crowded arena. Liam spots them and walks over with Zayn in tow. 

 

“How you holding up, Louis? You seem a bit dazed.”

 

“It’s a bit overwhelming, this. But Niall’s been keeping me standing.”

 

Niall perks up at that and winks at him, it’s involuntary really that he turns toward Zayn to check his reaction. He’s staring at the ground.

 

“Well good, but if he’ll let me borrow you for a while I think we should get a drink.”

 

Niall steps away from him and lets Liam stand by his side. He nods at Zayn and Niall before following Liam through the crowd. When he does glance back, he finds Niall and Zayn still standing opposite each other silently. Liam’s voice startles him just as he’s turning back toward the bar,

 

“Those two are frustrating. I had to sit through more than an hour of them stealing glances at each other when they thought the other one wasn’t looking, it was torture.”

 

Louis can’t help but stare at Liam in shock. He doesn’t know why exactly he’d thought Liam was too oblivious to his surroundings or too innocent to see the blatant eye-fucking Niall and Zayn have been doing since they met.

 

“What? They’re not exactly subtle, those two, don’t know why you’re so surprised.”

 

“No, I noticed. I just didn’t think you did too.”

 

“Oh please, I had to sit in between them at the hotel bar earlier and I could practically feel the testosterone on my skin. God, I hope they fuck tonight otherwise we’re in for a long night and a longer day tomorrow.”

 

He can’t help but smile back because he knows Zayn and yes, Liam’s right. It’s going to be a long night if those two don’t get together.

 

“Anyway, what would you like to drink?”

 

While Liam is ordering the neat whiskey he’s ordered, his eyes fall on Harry while he’s scanning the room and stutter to a stop to find green ones staring back into his.

 

Just that, Harry’s eyes looking straight into his, it’s intense enough that he almost loses his balance on the barstool. A shiver runs down his spine when Harry doesn’t look away after the customary two second eye-contact, no his stare is piercing and unwavering. Louis can’t bring himself to blink even, the moment feels too delicate and he’s scared he’ll break with if he so much as breathes.

 

Liam’s hand on his arm makes him start and just like that, it’s gone. When he looks back to Harry he finds him looking next to Louis, at Liam. And his own eyes travel next to Harry, at Nick. He’s leaning in and whispering something into Harry’s ear, that image reminds him of Harry whispering into his ear just this morning while he moved against him and the heat crawling across his chest makes him turn around toward Liam.

 

They talk about Simon and the music industry and everything else as Louis downs two whiskeys and stops only when Liam puts a gentle hand on his elbow while he’s trying to get another one.

 

Liam’s expression is one of concern and for some reason just that makes him pull his outstretched hand back. Liam offers him a small smile before he starts talking about the city he’s from. 

 

If Louis’ even remotely right, he knows Liam fancies him. 

 

The gentle touches, warm smiles and the occasional wink are just a sign that his instincts are right. Even as they’ve been sitting at the bar for the better part of an hour, a number of people have interrupted them and demanded Liam’s attention but every time he has politely made small talk and then turned back to Louis again.

 

He lets his mind wander for a second, what would it be like to go home with Liam. To give in, because he does think Liam is fit and he is interested too. 

 

It’s just that this is probably the first time he has let himself actually think about someone, the thought of Harry was always on his mind before stopping himself from giving in to the temptation.

 

But now, he knows that’s never going to happen. Knows for sure that Harry is as far away from him as can be. 

 

So maybe it’s not so bad that Liam seems to like him. 

 

But he’s also Harry’s bandmate. Maybe he’ll think Louis is trying to get back at him or something. 

 

‘He already hates you. Couldn’t hate you more if he tried. But now you’ve finally met someone who likes you, and you know that one’s never going to work out. So why not?’

 

His traitorous mind has always said the most painful things in the simplest words and it’s definitely never wrong. He sighs and leans a bit more toward Liam who smiles a little in the middle of speaking and continues telling him about this bar in London that he’s planning on buying.

 

***

 

Niall and Zayn come find them a while later, standing on either side of Louis and Liam who both end up rolling their eyes at them. 

 

“You lads done yet?”

 

“Yeah, let’s go sit down. Louis?”

 

He nods up at Liam and stands up to walk toward the seats in front of the stage but Zayn’s hand shoots out to stop him. He gestures at Liam to go on ahead, Zayn’s hand is still gripping tightly onto his elbow and he snaps it back a bit harshly than he should,

 

“Don’t do this. You’ll regret--”

 

“Are you making all my decisions, now?”

 

“Louis, you know I’m right. He seems to genuinely like you, and we both know that you’re still--”

 

“Yeah well, I think I’ll always be in love with him.”

 

And with that he walks toward the stage, leaving Zayn still at the bar. 

 

Niall and Liam seem to have saved a seat for them and he settles next to Liam with a small smile. Niall is looking around curiously when he sits down, probably looking for Zayn who comes back some time later and stops when he sees the only empty seat is next to Niall.

 

Niall taps Liam’s shoulder just as Zayn sits down, 

 

“Where’s Harry?”

 

“He said he’s sitting with Nick and James.”

 

He can’t help but tense up when he hears that. Harry has given up sitting with his mates to get away from Louis. 

 

‘See? He can’t hate you more than this.’

 

The cruellest things in the simplest words, thank you brain.

 

***

 

The performances are all great, the adrenalin and whiskey running through his veins makes him stand up and yell the lyrics along with Niall and by the time food is served he is absolutely plastered and hanging off of Liam’s rather muscly arm, who doesn’t seem to mind at all.

 

They eat hurriedly, too excited to go out after. Zayn seems to have loosened up a bit by now too, he and Niall are still staring longingly at each other without really talking though. Louis almost wants to lock them in a room or summat.

 

Just as they’re getting into the car to drive to this club that Niall swears is the best in all of United Kingdom, Nick walks toward them with Harry right behind him.

 

“Popstars and almost popstar! Where are you all disappearing to?”

 

Nick has a hand wrapped around Harry’s waist and Louis feels a sharp twinge of anger and loathing toward Nick that he hasn’t felt since he first started working at Radio One. But right now, he almost wants to rip his arm out of its socket. 

 

Okay, so he’s obviously not fit to be around Nick. He shifts a little bit toward Liam subconsciously who moves a little toward him too. When he looks away from Liam’s upturned lips, he finds Harry’s eyes studying the movement. He looks away before Harry catches his eyes.

 

“We’re going to this sick club I know, it’s the craic!”

 

“Well Niall, Harry and I are off to an after-party hosted by Corden back at the hotel. If you lads want, we can all go there, I’m sure it will be ‘craic’ too.”

 

Liam and Niall seem to think it over, while Louis would love to stay as far away from Harry and Nick he also inadvertently nods his head so they’re driving to back to the hotel now.

 

Harry and Nick are sitting opposite him, Liam is on one side of him and Niall is on the other. Conversation is light in the car but he doesn’t even lift his eyes from his hands in his lap because he does not want to look at Nick half-sitting in Harry’s lap.

 

They finally get back after an excruciatingly long description of Nick’s dog the whole ride back. 

 

Liam holds his arm out for Louis and he takes it gratefully because in his current state, he might just topple over and land on his face if he’s not careful. Zayn seems to have a hawkeye on him and Niall at the same time. 

 

Honestly, he wants to pull Zayn aside and tell him to grow a pair and talk to Niall. But he’s angry at Zayn so he walks in next to Liam and keeps his head down, absolutely does not look at Harry.

 

Every time he tells himself not to look at Harry, his mind goes back to this morning and it’s like he can feel Harry’s fingers digging into his thighs and his body pressing into Louis’. And every single time he has to stop himself from looking up at Harry.

 

The moment they greet James and step into the crowded hall, Louis pulls Liam toward the bar and gulps down another neat whiskey. Liam seems worried but he lets Louis drink anyway. 

 

He doesn’t remember much after that. 

 

Quite a few people come and talk to them, he’s polite even though he has no clue what he’s saying. Somehow they end up next to the rest of the lads anyway, sans Nick who seems to have gone away and left Harry nursing a fruity drink as he stands quietly in the midst of the rest of the boys excitedly making fun of Simon.

 

Niall is doing a great impression as Liam gives him ideas of what to say and even Zayn seems lost in the conversation. Niall is really good at this and Zayn is laughing with an abandonment Louis has never seen his best mate display in public. Zayn only ever laughs like that at his jokes, in the privacy of their flat but right now his eyes are crinkled and his teeth are glistening as he and Liam laugh at Niall’s antics.

 

In a brazen moment, he turns slightly toward Harry and their eyes meet across the distance. Louis’ breathe gets stuck in his throat.

 

Because the person staring back at him is his Harry. From four years ago, with warm eyes and an earnest look on his face.  
He’s looking at Louis like he knows him, like he recognizes him finally. 

 

It’s like coming home after years of being lost. He could cry right now, with the relief that’s coursing through him.  
Harry is looking at him like he used to. Louis feels like he’s eighteen years old again, in love with his best mate and absolutely, completely useless because of how far he’s gone on this boy.

 

And then just as soon as it came, it’s gone. Nick comes back and Niall turns to Harry with a question and just like that, Harry Styles the popstar is back.

 

Louis actually loses his breath when he sees the transformation. Harry goes from kind eyes to a stormy and piercing gaze as his back straightens and he peers around as if he’s in control of everything and everyone, as if he could crush you and he would.

 

He feels more lost than he has in years, more guilty than he ever did. And the anger that has been dormant for a while now, the anger toward Harry because he single-handedly decided to end them without even telling Louis, that anger is coming back to the surface. He turns his back on Nick and Harry and immerses himself in Niall’s imitations of famous people he’s met.

 

Zayn goes away after a bit, Niall closely following him and in his drunken haze he can’t help but grin at Liam when the two leave together and Liam returns his grin with just as much enthusiasm. He follows Liam when the lad starts walking away from Nick and Harry, and he doesn’t turn back at all because he’s not sure he could handle Harry staring back at him with indifference. 

 

A round of shots later, Liam and he are listening to Scott telling them a funny story from Innuendo Bingo on his show last week when Louis’ phone vibrates in his pocket but he ignores it in favour of Scott’s story. 

 

It rings again and he ignores it a second time. Zayn and Niall are whispering to each other where they’re standing in the corner of the huge hall, Liam is a warm presence against his side but when his phone rings a third time, he peels himself from Liam’s side and walks toward a somewhat secluded corner of the hall on shaky feet.

 

His vision is swimming and he has to catch himself several times while walking, stumbling into people while trying to walk straight but somehow he makes it out of the thrum of crowd and gets his phone to his ear without bothering to check who it is.

 

“Louis? Listen, I don't want you to worry but it’s your Mum, she’s fainted. I’m in the ambulance now, we’re taking her to the hospital. She’s alright but I wanted to let you know--”

 

He feels the ground shifting under his feet as the phone slips between his fingers and collapses to the floor, his breath gets caught in his chest as he feels the room spinning. Zayn's trying to block his way but he pushes him away. Dan’s voice replays in his head over and over and for some reason all he can imagine is his Mum lying unconscious in the middle of a street, no one around her. 

 

He feels hands on him, hands gripping his arms and pulling him back and panic sets off in his bones. His chest constricts and he pushes back against the hands, tries to get away even though he can’t even stand up on his feet properly. 

 

When the hands don’t let go, he thrashes against the person who’s come to stand behind him. He feels a broad chest behind his back, strong arms coming around him and holding him against another body. He lashes out, his arms pushing and hitting and no doubt hurting the person who’s holding him but he doesn’t stop because he needs to get to his Mum. 

 

He needs to go but this person won’t let go. His lungs are expanding around the lack of breath, he can feel bile rising at the back of his throat and his eyes sting with unshed tears as he struggles against constricting arms, he can’t seem to get away.

 

In a frenzy of hysteria he thrashes about violently, hitting the person behind him - hitting them hard in the chest, landing punches and slaps against them in a bid to get away and run. The arms don’t let go, instead they tighten around him even as he moves about wildly, punching and kicking - it’s Harry.

 

He’s holding Louis to himself, and he’s saying something. 

 

For a second he lets himself return to the moment and he hears Harry's voice next to his ear,

 

“It’s alright, Lou. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

 

Harry’s eyes are closed as he keeps pulling Louis to his chest, even as he takes every punch and every hit Louis throws at him. He doesn’t want to hurt Harry but he needs to get away, to get to his mum.

 

“I have to go, my mum, Harry. I have to go.”

 

“She’s alright, I promise. Jay’s alright.”

 

For some reason, hearing her name from his mouth settles something in him. And Harry keeps saying it over and over, still holding onto Louis as he keeps whispering the same things over and over.

 

“She’s alright, Lou. I promise.”

 

His feet give out from under him, he can’t keep himself upright anymore and he sags against Harry. His arms stop thrashing about and his vision is blurring so he falls back into Harry’s chest as he’s being pulled in by strong arms. 

 

The last thing he remembers is Harry holding him against himself, lowering him to the ground and telling him his mum is alright.

 

He feels peaceful sitting there with his back against Harry’s chest. It’s just how Harry had held him against himself, supporting him, the day Louis’ stepdad had told him that he was moving out. He had fallen asleep with his head on Harry’s shoulder as his arms circled around Louis’ trembling body. 

 

He falls asleep just like that now too.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I mess this up even more?


	12. You never gave us a chance to be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a lot written after this so be patient with me. There's two more chapters, I think.

Harry

 

Countless moments of trembling, rushed breaths and choked sobs later he pushes himself to sit up against the door. His elbows hurt from the carpet burn, legs locked in a painful position and he knows his back is going to punish him for lying on the floor for too long. 

 

But he just hadn’t had the energy left in him to make it to the bed or get up off the floor, had just sagged against the carpet in a fetal position while every buried emotion and memory made him shiver and left him breathless. He vaguely remembers that panic attack he’d had on his last night in Cheshire after seeing that photo on Louis’ facebook. This one had felt too much like that one. 

 

He pulls himself together and goes over to his suitcase to get his journal out. 

 

The words stare back at him, a reminder of the most painful day of his life. He has gone back to read this entry so many times in the past but never has he ever felt as close to that day and that feeling as he does today, right now.

 

He’s reading it for the fourth time when a knock on his door interrupts him. Ignoring it, he stays in bed running his hands over the worn paper and the tear marks he’s left over the years. 

 

There’s another insistent knock so he sighs and puts the journal on his nightstand before opening the door to find Liam standing there. Liam’s looking bashful as he stands with his arms crossed over his chest and his shy eyes rake across Harry’s face.

 

He knows this look. This is Liam’s I’m-about-to-make-you-uncomfortable-with-my-questions look. He’s not really up for this game right now but Liam is already walking into the room and he has no choice but to close the door and walk in behind him. 

 

He’s hardly taken two steps away from the door when Liam clears his throat and asks him the last thing Harry was expecting to hear,

 

“Louis is your Lou, isn’t he? The one you’re in love with?”

 

He’s left standing rooted to the floor, unable to process Liam’s question or answer him or do anything really. 

 

He opens his mouth to say something - anything - but his lips wrap around thin air and no words come out. 

 

“He’s the one you’ve been in love with for years, right? He’s--”

 

“No.”

 

Liam is looking at him with raised eyebrows and Harry knows this is the moment he has to make a decision. This could decide the course of the rest of his life and he has to do it now, lie and pretend and deny and bury till he can’t breath under the burden of all his lies.

 

“I was in love with the person he used to be. He’s not that same person anymore.”

 

Liam seems taken aback with his response and Harry just wants him to go away, to leave before he tries digging for answers. Before he makes Harry say something he can’t take back.

 

“Harry, you’re still--”

 

“No, I’m not. He’s an entirely different person, and I’m over him.”

 

“Haz, why are you doing this? I can see that you still love him so why--”

 

“I told you I don’t love him anymore, Liam.”

 

He knows his face is a blank mask otherwise Liam wouldn’t try to get him to admit anything. He would just smugly walk away, but he’s asking Harry again and again because he can see that Harry’s holding his own. He knows that he will have to drag this out of Harry.

 

“So you’re saying you wouldn’t care if someone else started dating him? Say, me?”

 

It takes a lot of effort not to clench his jaw or fist his hand or let the anger and jealousy show on his face but he’s gotten good enough at pretending that he can even convince himself. Liam looks like he’s giving up.

 

“No, I don’t care who he dates. You’re free to go out with him if you want.”

 

Every fibre of his being is yelling at him, hitting him and punching him for saying it but he says it anyway because the words from the journal are flowing through his veins, mixed in with his blood by now. He has them memorised by now, could write them in his sleep. And every single one of those words is a reminder of how much Louis had hurt him, every single one of them was a shed tear drying on his cheeks and ten unshed tears choked off in his pillow every night for years.

 

“Harry, clearly you still have feelings for--”

 

“You should ask him out.”

 

Every memory of Louis from back then floods through his mind, every touch and caress and laugh, every single one is lodged in his throat and clenching like a vice around his heart but he swallows against the pain and stands his ground as Liam stares at him trying to assess if he’s lying.

 

“Maybe I will.”

 

The fist around his heart tightens, his stomach lurches - like it still does every time he tries to go on a roller coaster because Louis hadn't helped him completely through that yet -and he feels nauseous . He smiles politely at Liam and closes the door behind him. 

 

***

 

Nick calls him around three just as he’s jotting down new words and making them into lyrics, every single word is screaming back at him to run to Louis. He smothers the sounds and answers Nick’s call.

 

“You sound weird, are you alright?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just doing some writing.”

 

“Oh so you’re in songwriter mode. Well, I was going to suggest we go out for a bit, look around the city. But if you--”

 

“No, that’s a good idea. I need to get out of here for a bit.”

 

Nick hangs up excitedly asking Harry to meet him in the lobby in fifteen minutes. He wraps up his journal and leaves it on the bed and goes to put on a new pair of jeans, his dirty ones lying in a mess next to the bed reminding him of what he’d done with Louis.

 

He hurries out of his room and waits in front of the lift, almost taking the stairs when the doors open revealing Zayn standing inside. A moment of staring later, he steps in and presses the close button. 

 

He can feel Zayn’s eyes on him and it doesn’t take him more than a few moments to return the favour. Zayn is practically killing him with his eyes,

 

“You just couldn’t stay away, could you? Just had to ruin him again, wasn’t it enough one time?”

 

“Since when are you his mother? He’s a grown man, he can make his own decisions.”

 

“I’m not his mum but I am the one who held him in bed when he sobbed through entire nights. I am the one who saw him struggling every day, feeling guilty about what he’d done to you. I was there when you weren’t so excuse me if I give a fuck about him!”

 

“He wasn’t the only one who was struggling, I was struggling too. You don’t know anything about me so don’t fucking judge me!”

 

“I know that you left him to deal with your shit, he lost both his best mates because your sister deserted him too, I was the only one there for him. I was the one tucking him into bed and cleaning his tears and snot after hours he spent crying even in his sleep about how he’d let his Haz down.”

 

His stomach feels like a bottomless pit, knees about to give in any second and he knows his grip on the metal bar in the lift will not be enough to keep him up. Every word out of Zayn’s mouth is getting lodged in his chest and it’s getting harder to breath. 

 

Every thought and angry comeback stutters to a stop when he hears Zayn say ‘Haz’. Louis cried in his sleep, he said he let Haz down. This is every single question he’s had about the past four years being answered in one word. 

 

Louis did think of him. 

 

Harry wasn’t the only one who cried himself to sleep, who dreamt about the life he had left behind.

 

And then the traitorous voice in his mind speaks up. 

 

‘He missed his best mate. You missed someone you were in love with. There’s a huge difference.’

 

And just like that anger comes rearing through the haze of guilt. He’s angry that he was the only one who fell in love, he’s angry at himself. He’s angry at Louis for lying to him, for not being there for him like he promised. But most of all, he’s angry at Louis for not being in love with him. 

 

“Well, he should’ve thought of that before he lied to me. And don’t tell me you’re the only one who gives a fuck about him, you didn’t even know him a couple years ago!”

 

“You knew him for a decade and what did you do? Left him to cope while you were out fucking everyone within a ten foot radius!”

 

“You don’t fucking know me so don’t pretend like you--”

 

He is seconds away from lunging at Zayn and punching his perfect fucking face but the elevator doors open and an old lady is standing there looking up at them with wide eyes and Harry retreats to his corner. THe rest of the time is spent in silence, Zayn doesn’t even look at him and he stares ahead.

 

Nick is waiting for him in the lobby when he gets out and Harry pulls him to the door before he spots Zayn. All he wants to do right now is forget everything, for just one moment just fucking forget everything that’s happening right now. 

 

They walk around the market downtown and buy cheap things from stalls, Nick buys them ice creams and Harry is silent the entire time. He can’t bring himself to tell Nick what’s bothering him so he says he’s just home-sick. Nick tells him he’s going to make Harry sit next to him at the festival tonight and he agrees.

 

They walk back an hour before they’re supposed to get to the arena and Harry brings his clothes to Nick’s room and they get ready there. When it’s time to leave, he texts Liam and tells him he’s leaving with Nick.

 

The place is packed again tonight but Harry doesn’t feel the same enthusiasm that he felt last night. It’s suffocating today, he wants to run away and keep running till he’s too far away to turn back. 

 

Whiskey and James help him forget the constant ache in his chest for a little bit, he keeps laughing at James’ jokes even if they aren’t funny and both he and Nick seem to catch on that Harry’s not in his right mind. 

 

As a consolation, James invites him to an after-party at the hotel after tonight’s events and he readily accepts. He hasn’t seen any of the other lads since this afternoon, Louis is nowhere in sight and that’s all he wants. 

 

Except when he’s standing next to Nick near the bar and his eyes fall on Louis. He’s sitting on a barstool next to Liam and his eyes find Harry’s across the crowd. He feels warmth pool deep in his gut as the ocean blue orbs bore into his, time stops for a moment as he lets himself stare. 

 

It still amazes him that all the people he’s met in the past four years, everywhere he’s travelled he has never found anyone with the same colour of eyes. Never found anyone with more beautiful eyes. He thinks he could stand here for hours if Louis stayed.

 

Louis looks away first and that’s when Harry realizes just how close Liam is standing next to Louis. He looks away instantly and gets lost in Nick’s story about his dog. He doesn’t dare look for Louis after that.

 

It’s only when they’re leaving the arena to go back to the hotel that Nick calls out to Louis and the lads and offers them to go to the after-party. Harry notices that Louis doesn’t look so good right now but Liam seems to have a hand around his waist and that’s more than Harry can digest so he turns all his attention to Nick and the second they’re in the door, he walks away from Louis and the lads.

 

Somehow the five of them end up together while Nick is gone. Niall is doing an impression of Simon, Zayn and Liam both seem completely enamoured by him. Louis is standing across from Harry, a drink in his hand even though he looks like he could keel over any second now with the amount of alcohol he has in his system. Harry tries not to pay attention.

 

His mind wanders to what Zayn had said to him earlier. About Louis struggling, staying awake at nights and feeling guilty for letting Harry down. 

 

Over the years, he’s let himself think about the fight. He knows he overreacted but it was an explosion of every feeling and emotion he had been burying for years. 

 

That night at Stan’s party when Louis had refused to kiss him, it had always bothered him but he’d never been able to ask Louis why. The New Years' party at Harry's house when Louis had kissed him at midnight but never talked about it again, Harry had been so angry because he’d waited weeks for Louis to bring it up. He’d psyched himself up enough that he actually started questioning whether it really happened or he’d imagined it.

 

That Thanksgiving dinner when Jay had accidentally let slip that Louis was bisexual, and everyone else had gone on with the meal because they all already knew. And Harry had sat there with tears springing into his eyes because he was the only one who didn’t know, and Louis always told him everything first. 

 

And that morning when he was going to finally tell Louis that he was in love with him. He can still remember climbing down the stairs with a spring in his step because he knew Louis was coming over for breakfast, and he can still feel his heart almost stopping like it had when he’d heard Gemma asking Louis what his boyfriend would think of something.

 

He’d realised a couple weeks after leaving England while lying in his bed at the hostel one night when he couldn’t sleep that he didn’t even know what they were talking about. But just hearing that word had made everything else seem unimportant, Louis had promised Harry that he’d be the first to know if he ever found anyone. 

 

It was none of those things that made him run in the end, though.

 

He was going to tell Louis he was in love with him that day. And that same day, everything he had been burying and everything he thought he couldn’t have was yanked out of his hands. And he lashed out, he lashed out bad. 

 

In the end it was the knowledge that Louis didn’t love him, couldn’t ever love him that drove him to buy that ticket. It was knowing that Harry would never stop loving Louis as long as he stayed there. It was knowing that the pain he had been living with for years wouldn’t go away no matter how many more years he spent hoping it would.

 

It was knowing that one day Louis would fall in love with someone. Someone who wasn’t him.

 

In a moment of pure masochism, he looks up and finds Louis’ eyes. For just one second, he lets his mask fall away. Lets himself feel the raw love he has been forcing himself to hide. Louis’ eyes widen when they find Harry looking at him, maybe he sees it too - sixteen year old Harry staring at Louis, the love of his life. 

 

It’s like a thrum of energy pulsing through his veins, the familiarity of the gaze is astounding. 

 

It’s like coming home after years of exile.

 

‘Don’t do this to yourself. You know how sweet it hurts when he goes, don’t you remember?’

 

He looks away instantly, hides his eyes from Louis even as he can feel him looking. Nick comes back a while later and Harry pulls him away from the lads and toward James. He stays by Nick’s side all night, making small talk with everyone and forcing himself to stay away.

 

And he’s doing a pretty good job of it when he sees Louis stumbling away from Liam. He almost steps toward him to steady him but it’s not his place anymore. Even though his feet don’t move toward Louis, his eyes never leave him. 

 

Louis’ standing in a corner with his phone in his hand, Harry feels something unsettle in him when he takes in Louis’ pale face and then his phone falls out of his hand. Harry’s feet move of their own accord but he stops when he sees Zayn rushing toward Louis. He almost walks back toward Nick but then Louis pushes Zayn away, and the next thing Harry knows he’s rushing to Louis.

 

Louis’ trying to step around Zayn, his balance is bad and his bloodshot eyes are darting around unable to focus on anything. 

 

Harry goes behind him and brings his arms around Louis, he doesn’t let go even when Louis starts thrashing around.

 

Louis’ hand connects sharply with his cheek, he can feel his lip bleeding but he doesn’t let go. He remembers this from years ago, the night Mark had told the family that he was leaving and Louis had had a panic attack. It was just like this - he had thrashed around afterward, kicking and punching while Harry had held him against his chest while both of them cried. 

 

Louis’ hitting him now too, his fists are landing painfully on Harry’s chest and his body is thrashing around like a fish out of water but Harry stands there holding Louis to himself, his eyes closed as he takes punch after punch. 

 

Louis’ small voice is shivering when he speaks,

 

“It’s my mum, Harry, it’s her. I have to go.”

 

Worry settles deep in his gut when he hears that, wants to let Louis go. He wants to go with him but he knows Louis’ not in any state to go anywhere. So he holds on tighter, takes every hit and keeps telling Louis his mum will be alright. 

 

It’s breaking his heart to see Louis like this, weak and vulnerable, but he can’t let him go either. He doesn’t know how long it’s been but eventually his thrashing stops and his body goes limp in Harry’s arms. 

 

He wants to cry out, he wants to scream and yell about how unfair it is that this boy is in such a state. This beautiful man, who deserves to be taken care of and loved. Who Harry would give anything to, why is he in this state?

 

Instead he opens his eyes and tries to stand up, Louis still in his arms. Zayn is staring at him with wide eyes as he stands up properly and picks Louis up. Liam and Niall seem to have witnessed the entire episode as well and all three of them follow him to the lift, everyone else is still dancing around in a drunken haze not having noticed anything amiss at all.

 

All five of them are silent in the lift, Harry is staring ahead at the door with Louis limp in his arms. Niall and Liam are standing beside him, their eyes darting between him and Zayn, who’s silently staring at the floor.

 

Zayn leads them to his and Louis’ room where Harry puts Louis down in bed, takes off his shoes and jacket before tucking him in. Liam and Niall are standing behind him while Zayn is calling someone in the bathroom.

 

“Harry, I’m so sorry.”

 

He looks up to find Liam looking at him with big eyes, Harry can’t even be angry at him. He was the one who told Liam to ask Louis out. 

 

“What for? It’s not your fault.”

 

“I shouldn’t have--”

 

“Liam.”

 

He closes his mouth but the look on his face says he’s not done asking questions yet. Harry looks away from him and toward Louis snoring softly on the bed. Niall comes to stand next to him and puts his hand comfortingly on Harry’s shoulder.

 

“I’m missing something very big here, obviously. But I’ll let you explain to me when you’re ready.”

 

Harry nods gratefully at him but before he can thank Niall, Zayn comes in from the bathroom. He looks a little better than he did a few minutes ago. Harry doesn’t know how to act around him, doesn’t know what to ask him. 

 

Zayn sits down on the bed beside Louis and pulls the blanket higher over Louis’ chest. 

 

“Jay’s fine. They took her to the hospital because she fainted, Dan just told me she’s fine.”

 

His eyes slip closed in relief when he hears that. It might’ve been years since he’s talked to the woman but she was a second mother to him almost all his life. He could never forgive himself if something happened to her and he kept Louis from seeing her.

 

“She’s pregnant.”

 

His eyes snap open when he hears Zayn whisper that, the shock is too much and he knows he’s not breathing right now. He knows it but he still can’t bring himself to breathe in, it’s stuck in his throat.

 

For years, he has stayed away from these people. Almost forgot about them, forgot that they existed and now he can’t pretend anymore. Jay is real, she’s alive somewhere in the world. 

 

And she’s pregnant.

 

He can’t breathe. 

 

He turns around on his heels and walks out of the room. The lift comes quickly this time and he locks the door of his room behind himself and falls in bed in the dark room. 

 

He can’t go back. He’s being pulled into that old life and he can’t go back again. He can’t let himself get hurt again, he can’t live with that pain again. He won’t go back.

 

***

 

Someone is knocking incessantly on his door, his dream is weirdly changing to accommodate that noise but when it doesn’t stop he has to open his eyes and get up to open the door. 

 

Of course it’s Liam.

 

Harry makes an irritated noise before turning around and walking back to his bed. Liam follows him inside and sits down on the edge of the bed. He doesn’t say anything but he’s got big puppy dog eyes on and Harry is so not in the mood for this.

 

He turns around on his side with his face away from Liam and pulls the blanket up to his chest. No one says anything for a full minute before, 

 

“Haz, are you okay?”

 

He stays on his side and doesn’t say anything, Liam doesn’t make any move to sit on his other side or ask him to turn around.

 

“I already know about him so you can tell me. I just, I thought I saw something that first night and I thought it was odd. He uh--he looked at you like he knew you. Just couldn’t keep his eyes away and for some reason that reminded me of when you said that your Lou and you get pulled toward each other.”

 

He closes his eyes and bites his lip, afraid some noise might escape. Liam takes his silence as a sign to continue.

 

“And then I saw you staring out the window of the car when we were going to the club and you were staring at something with this, this look on your face. You looked like the Harry who first came to Sydney, all those years ago. I looked out and found Zayn standing with someone on the side of the road and that’s when I realized. He was your Louis.”

 

A single tear escapes his closed eyes and falls out down toward his nose and down his other eye to land on his pillow. He has nothing to say.

 

“He hasn’t stopped looking at you for the past two days, just so you know. Every second that I’ve been with him, he’s been looking at you. And when he’s not, there’s just--something in his eyes. They look like they’re far away. In some other time, like he has seen too much. Lost too much. I just, I don’t know what happened between you two but I can tell that he cares for you, maybe you should give him a chance.”

 

He stays silent as silent sobs wrack his body useless. He’s almost trembling now, listening to Liam’s words and letting himself believe that maybe just maybe Louis might love him. 

 

“I’ve never been in love with anyone, certainly not enough that after four years of separation I still can’t love anyone else. So maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about but the way he looks at you, I just know that he regrets whatever happened between you. You think you can forgive him, Haz?”

 

He chokes on a sob when Liam asks him that. How can he even ask Harry that when he doesn’t know what happened? 

 

Liam moves when he hears the whimper leave Harry’s lips, he settles behind Harry and pulls him in toward himself. Harry lets himself be held, he lets Liam pulls him close. 

 

“I’m sorry. It’s just that I was angry at this person, I didn’t even know him but I saw how broken you were. Niall and I both talked about it some nights, how we hated this person who hurt you. And I always thought if I ever meet him, I’d give him a good going over. But then I saw him, saw him looking just as lost and broken as you and now I don’t know.”

 

He just lays there silent, not one word spoken after that. 

 

Liam stays with him for a while before Niall calls on his phone to let Harry know that they’re rehearsing for tonight’s performance in an hour. Liam asks him if he’s alright, he doesn’t look convinced by his answer but he leaves him with a pat on the shoulder anyway.

 

Harry can’t stop thinking about Liam’s words as he stands under the shower and lets the boiling water wash away the tear tracks on his cheeks. 

 

By the time he gets out and starts dressing up, he’s made a decision.

 

He’s going to give it his all tonight, he’s going to sing his heart out and then he’s getting out of here and never looking back. He understands what Liam is saying, he knows that he’s still in love with Louis and he also knows he probably will still be years from now. But it’s easier to live with that, easier to live in denial when he can’t see Louis everyday. 

 

So he’s going to perform for the crowd tonight and then he’s going back to Sydney right after to cool off for the two week break they have. After that he’ll go to England and do the show without any thoughts of Louis or his old life weighing him down. And then he’s going to go back to Australia and have a free couple of months.

 

He’s going to make himself forget about this weekend. 

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really fucked it up this time. Didn't I, my dear?


	13. Your eyes will lead me straight back home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another jumbled up chapter, you lot are too good to me and keep putting up with this so thanks.
> 
> PS- Title from Friends by Ed Sheeran.

He wakes up with a start because he was trying to run but apparently that was in his dream so he’s actually in his hotel bed in Glasgow drowning in the quilt with a throbbing head. The first thing that comes back to him is Dan’s call last night telling him his mum had fainted and before he knows it, he’s rushing to get out of the bed. Before his feet can even touch the floor, Zayn’s getting up from where he was sitting on the floor by the bed and is now blocking his way.

 

“Zayn, what’re you doing, I have to get--”

 

“She’s alright.”

 

“--to the--what?”

 

“She’s alright, I called Dan last night.”

 

“She’s alright?”

 

“Yeah, she’s doing great.”

 

“But?”

 

“But nothing.”

 

“Zayn, don’t insult me. I know you’ve got something else to say so just say it.”

 

“I think it’d be better if you heard that from her.”

 

“Oh god, someone’s dying. Is she sick? Is it--”

 

“She’s pregnant.”

 

“-serious or--aaah. What?”

 

“Pregnant. Your mum.”

 

“My mum?”

 

“Your mum.”

 

“Pregnant?”

 

“Pregnant.”

 

“I’m going to get more siblings.”

 

“You’re getting more siblings.”

 

He sags down onto Zayn and the worry bleeds out of his bones. Zayn just stands there with his arms holding on to Louis and he keeps saying ‘it’s okay’ over and over. Louis keeps getting a weird feeling whenever Zayn says ‘It’s okay’, like he’s forgetting something important. 

 

Something really vital.

 

And then it hits him.

 

Last night. Harry. That happened. It wasn’t a dream?

 

He pulls back from Zayn in shock, it’s quick enough that Zayn’s arms are still in the air as he looks back at Louis with wide eyes.

 

“No, it didn’t…”

 

He can’t even bring himself to finish that sentence.

 

“It did.”

 

Zayn’s face is doing that thing where all his razor sharp features somehow become all soft and his usually piercing brown eyes turn into pools of warm honey.

 

“He saw you pushing me aside and he ran over. Held onto you even when you were punching and hitting him. I remember you telling me back in uni. that he held you after your dad walked out. I think he was also thinking of the same thing.”

 

This is not the most surprising thing in this day - he hasn’t even been up fifteen minutes and already his world has been tipped on its sides more than once - but it’s definitely in the top three. Zayn never talks about Harry, never willingly. And Louis’ never heard him talk about Harry with almost a respectful tone.

 

It’s like he’s finally realizing that all the moaning and bitching Louis did about Harry was because he was hurting, that Harry is actually far too good to give anyone anything to hate him for. Maybe he’s finally realized that Harry’s not the bad person in this story like he had always assumed. 

 

“He uh--he carried you here after you passed out. I told him Jay was alright and he knows about her y'know, but he left right after I told him. I’m sorry.”

 

The words sit heavy in his gut. Harry carried him from the hall downstairs to his room. He probably put Louis in bed. That’s almost like he cares, still.

 

And then he left after Zayn told him Louis’ mum was alright. He left after he learnt that she’s pregnant. Jay, the woman who half-raised Harry. He used to call her ‘mum’ sometimes, used to sleep in her bed with Louis some nights when there were summer storms through the night. And now he can’t even stand to learn something new about her.

 

Louis understands Zayn’s implication with the apology. He’s saying something much bigger with his ‘sorry’.

 

“That’s good, then. Should thank him for helping me, I’ll do it later. Now, I’m going to take a shower and when I get out, let’s talk with Simon. Show him the song and see what he thinks.”

 

Zayn looks a little surprised at his words, probably expecting Louis to dwell on Harry and all things Harry-related. But the thing is, Louis has learned his lesson. 

 

He picks up his towel from the suitcase and a fresh pair of underwear on his way to the bathroom. As he stands in front of the mirror, he can hear Zayn talking on the phone. 

 

The face staring back at him in the mirror looks tired, with bloodshot eyes and messed up hair. He can almost imagine himself thrashing about last night in his drunken haze as Harry tried to hold him down. What a shame that would’ve been, a popstar trying to control a drunk radio host as he lands blind punches.

 

He can’t look himself in the eye so he jumps into the shower instead and tries to wash away the pungent smell of stale alcohol. If he scrubs his face extra hard and fists his hands over his eyes because the tears won’t stop coming, then it’s his business.

 

Zayn is sitting down with the laptop in his lap and looking as fresh and ramp-walk ready as he always does. Louis finishes up dressing himself as Zayn’s busy madly typing something. He looks up only after he’s done and Louis has learned over the years to not ask.

 

“Hey Lou?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Can I see your song?”

 

Zayn’s never been one to change his tone for the benefit of the listener, always an advocate of ‘I’m not going to bullshit anyone, or lull them into a false sense of security by using a soft voice’. But right now, he’s timid in his tone. It’s like he’s unsure of what he’s saying and that is the most un-Zayn Malik thing he’s seen so far.

 

He breaks himself out of his thoughts to find Zayn looking down at the laptop with a frown on his face, like he’s expecting Louis to say no.

 

“Of course you can. Don’t have to ask, Z.”

 

He walks over to the bed and opens the word document he had created yesterday. Zayn’s eyes widen when he sees the length of the document, 

 

“There’s more than one there but the first one is the one I wanted to show Simon.”

 

He gets up from the bed, pulls the hair dryer out of the suitcase and walks back to the bathroom without another word. His hands shake a little as he’s trying to style his hair, the anticipation of Zayn’s reaction is making his stomach coil tight. But the noise of the dryer is a welcome distraction from the thoughts of Zayn sitting on the bed with his nose scrunched up because the lyrics suck.

 

He’s too overwhelmed by nerves and anticipation that he doesn't notice any movement and starts when he feels a pair of hands grip him from behind. Once he's got his breath back, he looks up to find Zayn standing behind him in the mirror with a face that resembles the one he used to make in the first few weeks after Harry left. The face that he used to find staring worriedly at him when he woke up screaming in the middle of the night, those first few days after Harry left.

 

“I’m so sorry, Lou. I’m sorry.”

 

He can hardly hear Zayn over the noise of the dryer that’s still running in his hand, but Zayn’s lips are pressed lightly over his ear and his cheek is resting on Louis’ shoulder so it’s very clear what he’s saying.

 

For a second, just a second, Louis lets himself relax into Zayn’s chest. He meets his best mate’s worried eyes in the mirror and smiles reassuringly at him.

 

“I’ll be fine. Take a bit of time, but I’ll be fine.”

 

Zayn must believe him because he squeezes him tightly once before letting go, and then he’s gone. Louis finishes drying his hair and styling it and goes out to find Zayn sitting at the desk with the laptop in front of him and Simon Cowell on Skype in his pajamas.

 

***

 

Simon really likes the song, more like loves it. He keeps asking Louis if he has anymore lyrics to show him and they can start working on them but Louis tells him he wants to finish this first.

 

“Well, whatever you want. I mean Malik here will probably kill me in my sleep if I try to pressurise you to do anything you don’t want!”

 

He knows Simon’s joking by the way he’s smirking through the screen but Zayn doesn’t seem to be in a joking mood. He's staring straight ahead at the laptop with a furrowed brow and lips stretched in a tight line.

 

“Lighten up, Zayn. I’m only joking! Alright well, you can start recording as you soon as you get back to England or you can take a short break if you’re tired. I want you well rested and ready for tough work, this is your first time recording and it’s not going to be fun.”

 

“Oh well, I was wondering if I could take a couple days after getting back. Plus, I need to figure out a way to make Radio One fit in with the recording.”

 

“Yeah that’s alright, take a week if you need. I do need one thing to be done, though. Seeing the number of people who’re waiting for you to sing, we do need a lot of publicity for this single. Company website is us but social media is you, your personal twitter account or whatever else you have. Actually, pick a verse and put it on twitter like a teaser.”

 

“You mean, now? Like--”

 

“Yeah, now’s a good time. You’re at the Big Weekend, big press there. It’s the perfect time, we’ll announce that you’ll release lyrics soon and then you can make the tweet. Tweet the tweet? Twitter the tweet? Whatever the fuck it’s called.”

 

“Yeah okay, I can do that.”

 

“Alright, lads! I better go do some work now. And Louis, welcome to Syco, son!”

 

He feels his nerves calming down considerably looking at Simon’s face smiling at him. He feels like he can do this, if everyone around him seems to think he can do this then he can. 

 

Zayn sighs loudly while closing the laptop, he stretches his legs and lies down on the bed. Louis wants to stay in all day today, just not do anything till they have to go to tonight’s performances. 

 

Harry’s performing tonight.

 

Niall has been very excited to perform, even Liam had shared how happy he was to be able to perform here. Louis had promised them both that he’ll be there. 

 

And he will be. As much as he wants to go back to London now, and forget about everything that’s happened these last few days. But he’s going to go watch them sing tonight, and he’s going to say goodbye to them and walk away from Harry. This time on his own terms.

 

Zayn reaches out his hand to grip Louis’ arm and pulls him to lie down beside him on the bed. He goes willingly, his head resting on Zayn’s arm as he curls up into his body.

 

“You’ll be fine, Lou, yeah?”

 

“Yeah. I will be, Z.”

 

“And you’ll be famous. Rich popstar. Don’t forget me, yeah?"

 

“Never. I’ll take you with me, be my manager.”

 

“Yeah, that’d be nice. Someday.”

 

“Someday.”

 

They get out of bed a while later when Zayn gets an email from Syco saying they’ve announced on the website that Louis is going to tweet his new lyrics today. They bicker a bit about which verse they should tweet but Louis already knows what he’s going to say.

 

Nick and Fiona come to their room while they’re still arguing about the lyrics. They want to go sight-seeing and Louis agrees that they need to get out of the cramped room. Zayn follows, grumbling about the sun and the people and the dirt outside. 

 

Louis tells Fiona about his new single and she screeches in the middle of a busy restaurant when he shows her the lyrics he’s going to tweet. Nick and Zayn both look unbothered by all the attention they’re getting as everyone turns around to see why someone screeched.

 

Fiona looks unapologetic as she reads through the tweet Louis typed up about an hour ago but hasn’t sent in yet. So, he has to look around at curious faces and smile apologetically till they all look away. 

 

They walk around through the busy street market, buying odd souvenirs for friends and family back home. Nick says he wants to go to the local Art museum and is told to shut up by all three of them.

 

They end up going to the Tall Ship. Even Zayn seems to be looking around interestedly now. They look around the ship, all the restored cabins and the deck’s keeping Zayn occupied enough that he doesn’t think about how he’s on a ship. And ships sail in water. And Zayn is scared of water. 

 

Louis can’t help but look at the anchor chains on the Tween Deck. It’s nothing special but he feels a sense of calm settling in him, like he's being grounded. Zayn catches him staring and suggests that he sould get a tattoo of an anchor if he wanted.

 

“You could, I mean you already have a few. Might as well.”

 

“Nah, if I did get something it’d be of a rope. With no anchor.”

 

“Lou--”

 

“It’s alright, Zayn. I’m not moping, if that’s what you’re thinking. I am a rope without an anchor, just am.”

 

“You’ll find your anchor, mate.”

 

Zayn pulls him along with a hand around his shoulder and he goes willingly. They’re all mostly quiet on the walk back, the sun setting behind them and the night crowd crawling out slowly.

 

***

 

Harry

 

***

 

Niall is absolutely ecstatic when Harry finally gets down to the little room they’re rehearsing in. Liam is nowhere to be seen but Niall’s already strumming his guitar and singing loudly when Harry sits down beside him.

 

“Any particular reason you’re so happy, Ni?”

 

“No, I’m just excited for tonight. Harry, can we sing Happily?”

 

Harry was actually going to suggest the more upbeat songs but Niall’s looking at him wide, hopeful eyes and Harry could never say no to him. 

 

“Yes, of course we can, Ni.”

 

The fist-pump Niall does when he hears that makes Harry a bit skeptical, why is Niall so excited about this song? It’s not like he particularly cared for it before. 

 

He shakes his head and looks down at his phone. His twitter seems to be blowing up this morning and it’s mostly just people mentioning things to him that make absolutely no sense. He closes it and puts the phone back in his pocket even more confused than before.

 

“Hey, did you know Louis’ signed with Syco too? He’s got a…”

 

He’s sure Niall keeps talking but Harry can’t take anymore information in at the moment. Louis’ got a singing contract? What?

 

And with Syco?

 

“--didn’t want to take advantage of Zayn’s position at Syco and that’s why he never tried before. Zayn told me he wasn’t going to try now either, it was Zayn actually who sneakily recorded a demo tape of Louis without telling him and then sent it in. Louis didn’t even know until later and then he punched Zayn in the face for doing it.”

 

His head is spinning from all this. 

 

He thought Louis didn’t want to be a singer anymore. He remembers that one summer when all Louis wanted to do was be in a band and he’d made a demo tape and sent it to all the music companies in London. But he’d given up that dream after he started uni. 

 

He’d said that his dream had changed, that he wanted to be on radio. 

 

So then when did his dream change again? Harry almost gets whiplash from everything Niall’s just told him.

 

‘Maybe you don’t know him at all.’

 

He tunes out the stupid voice in his head and looks at Niall who still seems to be talking.

 

“--though he’s Simon’s right hand man, Louis didn’t want any special privileges so he refused any help that Zayn was offering him. And Simon actually asked them if they were together, Zayn said he was shocked when Simon asked him that. They’re not together, by the way, in case you were wondering. Zayn said they’d hooked up once in uni but Louis was too drunk to remember. And there was a handjob once but Zayn said Louis’ never been with anyone so it was just Zayn trying to get him to stop moping. That didn’t make a lot of sense to me but whatever--”

 

He doesn’t want to hear all of this. He doesn’t need to know all this. Why is Niall telling him? How does Niall know?

 

“--best mates since uni. so I guess it’s not weird, I mean I can’t imagine ever giving you or Liam a handjob but I guess I can understand if they were drunk. I mean they’re both fit blokes and--”

 

“Niall, do you fancy Louis?”

 

“--attractive people tend to--what?!”

 

“I said, do you fancy Louis?”

 

“What de fuck, why do you think that?!”

 

“Well, you won’t stop talking about him and you know all of these things about him which--”

 

“It’s not--”

 

“--unless it’s not Louis you fancy! Oh my God, you fancy ZAYN!”

 

“Shut up!”

 

“Oh god, you do!”

 

“Can you be a bit louder, I don’t think they heard you on the 17th floor!”

 

That shuts him right up because Niall is a bright shade of fire-engine red right now and he would not be this flustered if it was just a casual crush. Which means..

 

“Are you..?”

 

Niall offers him a small smile before bowing his head and playing the starting notes of Happily on his guitar. Harry knows not to ask him any more questions. Liam comes in a while later and they start rehearsing the set even though there’s too many unsaid things between all of them right now.

 

No one mentions last night’s incident and Harry is so grateful for their silence. Niall does look at him a bit worriedly sometimes, even after Harry’s told him that he’s alright. They keep playing the songs over and over, not even leaving for lunch and by the time they’re done it’s only three hours before they have to perform so they go back to their rooms to get ready.

 

Harry keeps his head down and stays silent in the lift. Niall tells him he’s going to want to know what last night was some time soon, so Harry should come find him when he’s ready. Liam is silent throughout the conversation, even when Niall tells him that he’s going to have to talk if Harry doesn’t tell him.

 

They part when they get to their floor, and Harry almost rushes into the shower to wash away the sweat he’s worked up. If he stays under the spray and wanks over the images from yesterday morning then it’s his private business. 

 

Even as he’s gripping his hard cock in his fist and groaning in pleasure, all he can think of are trembling legs wrapped around his waist and sharp bites on his shoulder. He lets himself think of hiccups and shameless moans, lets himself imagine his tight grip around thick thighs and small hands grappling at his skin. He comes with a loud whine echoing in the small bathroom when he remembers Louis’ small body rocking in his arms as he came undone.

 

It’s not a long shower after that. He’s too ashamed to look at himself in the mirror so he gets out quickly and puts on his unsoiled pair of jeans and his fancy button down shirt. Liam and Niall meet him in the lobby along with Paul and sit in silence on their way to the arena.

 

***

 

It’s absolute madness when they get there, loads of screaming girls when they get out of the car and Paul looks irritated so Harry forces himself to not stop for autographs or photos and just starts walking toward the door. Paul throws him a grateful look before rushing them inside.

 

They talk to a couple of reporters and it’s the same questions over and over, but they put on huge smiles and answer anyway. Ten minutes in and Paul tells them they have to get back stage because they’ll be up soon. 

 

Harry keeps his eyes to the ground as they follow Paul, Niall brings up Zayn and Louis in conversation and something about Louis’ first single but Harry’s still recovering from wanking over Louis that he can’t bring himself to listen to Niall.

 

They get backstage and meet Bastille, they’re very nice and polite lads and Harry actually likes them. It’s rushed conversation but at least it’s a distraction so he stays and talks anyway till they get the signal to get on.

 

For some reason it’s nerve wracking to get on stage in front of this crowd. It’s nothing as compared to the stadiums and arenas they’ve played over the years but for some reason, Harry’s actually nervous about singing tonight.

 

It’s the home crowd, he tells himself. It’s got nothing to do with Louis, he tells himself.

 

It goes pretty well, many people are jumping along with them and Harry’s dancing around the stage with total abandonment and it’s a great feeling to be surrounded by people who’ve never seen them perform before but still know the lyrics. 

 

He keeps his eyes from wandering the crowd in search of familiar ones staring back. And he does a good job of it for the most part.

 

Niall had asked to play Happily in the end so by the time they get to the last one, they’re all pumped on the excitement. Harry can feel the familiar rush in his bones, the high of performing for people who love him.

 

Niall starts talking after they finish Little Things, and Harry has no idea what he’s going on about.

 

“So this next one is called Happily. Our Harry wrote this one too, like most of the album and this one is especially dear to me. A mate of mine sang this a while back, did a really good job of it too. Only he never heard the original, so here goes!”

 

Harry doesn’t give it a lot of thought as he starts the first verse. Niall’s words are replaying in his head and it’s at the tip of his tongue, he knows what Niall means but he just can’t put his finger on it.

 

And then his eyes land on Louis.

 

‘We were meant to be but a twist of fate,

Made it so we had to walk away.’

 

Louis’ eyes widen and that’s the moment Harry realizes that this is the song Louis covered. He covered Happily. 

 

The words almost get away from him but he forces his eyes closed and lets Niall take over. It takes him a moment to open his eyes again - this is his song. His song that he wrote on Christmas Eve last year after downing an entire bottle of vodka because he just couldn’t lie to himself that day. And Louis sang this song.

 

He recovers soon though, opens his eyes and pours his soul into the song. Everyone seems to be really excited, they’re mouthing the lyrics and Harry lets himself go. He takes his mic off the stand and starts walking to the front of the stage and lets all his pent-up frustration and anger come out. 

 

When he looks back, Louis’ not standing there anymore. 

 

It actually hurts still, even after all this time, it still hurts to have his worst fears confirmed. To be made absolutely certain that Louis does not feel anything for him. He finishes with a smile on his face and rushes off stage as soon as they’re done. 

 

Liam seems to be giving him space and Harry is ever so grateful for that. Niall isn’t asking him about last night but as soon as they’re back in the green room, he starts talking about Louis.

 

“Did you lads see his face? He looked like he’d seen a ghost! I wanted to surprise him, and I can’t believe he really didn’t know it was ours when he sang it. That was hilarious!”

 

Liam is laughing alongside because apparently he also knew about Louis covering Happily. He wants to run to the bathroom and find the cover, find Louis singing his song and the distress must’ve shown on his face because Niall immediately sits down next to Harry and asks him if he’s alright.

 

“I’m fine Niall, it’s just the slump after the high. You know how it is.”

 

“Yeah, I can distract you though.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“You know when I said Louis was releasing a single? Well, it’s an original song, he wrote it himself.”

 

Harry’s certain that he’s heard it wrong. Louis never wrote. It’s not true, he doesn’t write, he doesn’t--

 

And then an irrational thought makes him start, what if it’s about Harry. What if the song is about him, like Harry’s are about Louis. 

 

What if--

 

‘Why would he write a song about you? You’re the idiot who’s in love, not him.’

 

No, it couldn’t be about him. Why would it be?

 

“They didn’t release the lyrics yet but Syco asked him to tweet one verse from it, like a teaser. And it’s fecking beautiful.”

 

Niall thrusts his phone in Harry’s hand and he doesn’t want to look. He doesn’t, but they’re right there - the words Louis wrote - right in front of his eyes and he can’t help but look.

 

The Tommo @Tommo_RadioOne 3h

I'm sorry if I say I need you. But I don't care, I'm not scared of love.  
'Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker. Is that so wrong?

 

His hands are trembling as he reads over the words, Niall’s phone is clutched in his hand as he rereads over and over. These are not the words of someone who’s not in love. Who’s never been in love.

 

He almost doesn’t hear it when Niall starts talking again, his own breaths are too loud in his ears and his fucking hands won’t stop shaking. He doesn’t look up from the phone, even though the words are not readable anymore as tears sting his eyes.

 

“It’s fecking mental how real those lyrics are and get this, he wrote them for someone. The reporter asked him if it was from personal experience, I was there and I swear to God he almost cried when she asked him. Zayn put a hand on his shoulder and I knew that second that it was personal.”

 

He’s going out of his mind, he can’t listen to this. Louis’ in love with someone, he’s writing songs for them while Harry is stuck writing songs for his unrequited love from four years ago. 

 

His eyes are full to the brim and his breaths are coming in a little hard. His ears are ringing and he knows he’s seconds away from a panic attack but Niall’s voice cuts in,

 

“He said he started writing it a couple years ago but didn’t finish until two nights ago. He got this really broken look on his face and he said, ‘When I was thirteen, I fell in love with my best mate.’”

 

Harry can’t feel his hands right now, everything is numb and the phone clatters to the floor but Niall doesn’t seem to notice as he continues,

 

“The reporter asked what happened and he said it didn’t work out, and that he was a coward. My god, he looked so gutted and Zayn was almost holding him up at this point and I swear I’ve never seen anyone this wrecked before. That best mate must’ve done a proper number on him, he--Harry, where are you going?”

 

He doesn’t know where he’s going. He doesn’t even know when he got up, or when he started walking but he’s running away from the them when Liam calls after him,

 

“I saw him going toward the park earlier!”

 

Harry keeps running without looking back, he doesn’t turn even when Niall loudly exclaims,

 

“Holy fuck! Harry and Louis? OH FECKING CHRIST ON A STICK, HE’S HARRY’S LOU!”

 

***

Louis

***

 

He tweets the lyrics right before getting into the shower to wash off the sweat and dirt from walking around all day. Zayn just changes into a suit and still looks better than Louis does after his shower and putting on his best clothes. 

 

“How do you even do that? I mean, we went to the same places and I got all sweaty and here you are, ready for walking down the ramp for fucking Burberry.”

 

“I’m half-god, Lou. You should know by now.”

 

“Yeah yeah, let’s go son of Zeus.”

 

“More like Adonis.”

 

“Have you quite finished?”

 

“Just correcting you, peasant!”

 

“Let’s just go, your fucking majesty!”

 

They walk towards the arena, with the wind blowing slowly across his cheeks and reminding him of the soft summer breeze back in Doncaster during early May. Zayn doesn’t say anything next to him, perhaps giving him enough time to prepare himself.

 

Simon had emailed him saying he should talk to a few reporters tonight if he feels like it. 

 

His tweet had been retweeted by over a million people and his phone’s been ringing like mad for hours. He knows people care about his single, he knows they will be interested in whatever he has to say so he had told Simon that he’ll do it.

 

When they start walking toward the entrance, he gets stopped by a woman who wants to know about his single. He’s not sure how much he’s allowed to say, or how he should answer. He doesn’t want to come across as rude or arrogant - that’s what people mostly take his introversion to mean - but Zayn is right beside him so he takes a deep breath and nods at her to ask him what she wants.

 

“I’ve just now seen the verse that you’ve tweeted. First off, it looks really good. Congratulations!”

 

“Thank you, you’re very kind.”

 

“So when are we going to see the rest of the lyrics? Before it’s recorded maybe?”

 

“Maybe, I’m not sure yet. But I hope you’ll like them as well.”

 

“I’m sure I will, this is really beautiful. Have you written it from personal experience, perhaps?”

 

His heart gives a painful lurch in his chest, it’s like that feeling when you’re sitting on a roller-coaster and it keeps going down and you feel your heart fall into your stomach. 

 

Zayn brings his hand to rest on his shoulder, reassuring him that it’s alright. He pulls the mask on to cover his vulnerable features and smiles at her,

 

“I started writing this a few years ago but I didn’t finish it until about two nights ago. It is a personal song, yes. When I was thirteen, I fell in love with my best mate. Teaches you things, you know.”

 

His hand are numb, breathing uncontrolled as he reveals his closest-guarded secret to essentially anyone who’s listening. 

 

But he knows he’s been lying for long enough. 

 

The woman gets a sympathetic look on her face and for just one second he hopes that she won’t ask anything else. But she’s doing a job, and her job is to dig all the dirt. 

 

“So, what happened? If you don’t mind me asking, that is. I mean it’s a sad sort of song, so.”

 

Zayn’s hand tightens on his shoulder. He’s telling Louis that he can walk away, he doesn’t have to answer.

 

But for some reason, he feels exactly how he had felt while driving back from Cheshire that day after his fight with Harry. 

 

Like he’s going to lose Harry if he doesn’t do anything.

 

Even though Harry isn’t his anymore, he’s already lost him. But the dread coils deep in his gut so he takes a deep breath and answers the woman in the steadiest voice he can muster.

 

“It didn’t work out. I was too young, and too much of a coward.”

 

As opposed to the wretched mood he’d thought mentioning Harry would bring, he feels lighter. Like a weight’s been lifted off his shoulders as he and Zayn walk away from the woman and toward the door. 

 

Niall finds them when they get in and Louis might’ve just met him a few days ago but he feels like he’s known the lad for much longer. Niall laughs at one of his silly jokes but the way his eyes lack their usual playfulness, Louis knows that Niall heard him talking to the reporter.

 

But neither of them brings it up as they share a pint. Niall and Zayn continue their silent-staring/eyefucking mating ritual, Louis is five seconds away from locking them together in a green room or summat.

 

Niall goes away once the performances are announced, Louis throws down another whiskey and is about to ask Zayn why he’s being such a wuss when he finds Niall running toward him again with a grin on his face,

 

“So many leprechaun jokes, Niall. So many!”

 

Niall hits him in the arm to get him to shut up before he starts talking in a really excited voice.

 

“Listen to the last song, okay? It’s really good, I promise. You’ll love it!”

 

Louis’ nodding his head along when Niall pulls him into a crushing hug before releasing him and walking away. Louis’ confused about whether he should laugh at Zayn’s sour face or be wary about Niall’s evil laugh just as he was walking away. He decides former since Zayn is still looking at the drink in his hand like the rum has personally offended him and Niall’s already out of earshot.

 

“Why the grumpy face, Adonis?”

 

Zayn looks up startled as if he’d completely forgotten that Louis was with him. Out of everything else - the silences, the shyness, the angry but hesitant blushing - this is what irks him the most about Zayn and this situation with Niall.

 

Zayn never hangs back when he likes someone, never stays silent and he sure as hell never broods. 

 

“It’s nothing, Lou.”

 

“It’s definitely not nothing, mate. You look like someone’s just insulted your hair and your art in the same sentence. Is it--”

 

“Just drop it, Lou.”

 

He walks away silently and as much as Louis wants to follow him, he knows it’s best to leave Zayn alone right now. They’ve always been very involved in each other’s lives but even back in uni. they knew when to leave each other alone.

 

He turns around toward the bar and orders another drink and he’s just about to gulp down the brown liquid when he hears someone strumming a guitar before a low, raspy voice rings out through the arena. 

 

He stands up and looks toward the stage to find Harry screaming into a microphone. His neck veins are popping out with how much he’s straining his neck to bow down, and his pink lips are almost wrapped around the mic.

 

He turns around and gulps down his drink. The familiar buzz starts settling in his bones, he keeps his head turned away from the stage as the band keeps singing song after song.

 

Then, he hears Niall’s cheery voice ringing out over the fading notes of a slow song.

 

“So this next one is called Happily. Our Harry wrote this one too, like most of the album and this one is especially dear to me. A mate of mine sang this a while back, did a really good job of it too. Only he never heard the original, so here goes!”

 

He cuts through the crowd to get to the front, Niall had asked him to pay attention to this song and he’s not exactly steady on his feet but he shoves people out of his way and gets to stand very close to the stage.

 

Harry is looking just as beautiful as he always does, long and lean body gripping his microphone as the sound of a guitar fills the silence after Niall’s steps away from his mic. It’s a faster tune than the last one, the kind that makes you want to sway on your feet. Louis doesn’t realize why the tune and the lyrics sound familiar till he hears the words leaving Harry’s mouth. 

 

‘We were meant to be but a twist of fate,

Made it so we had to walk away.’

 

In that moment, he realizes and of course. Of fucking course. This is Harry’s song. These are Harry’s words, he wrote them. Who else could write something so beautiful? 

 

And now he feels stupid. He sang this song, he took something that was Harry’s without even knowing. 

 

The way Harry’s eyes are piercing through him, he can’t stand there and think that Harry probably hates him because of this too. 

 

Probably hates him because Louis stole something that was his and made a shitty version of it. Of course, it’s a shitty version. Compared to how Harry is singing the words right now, no one could even come close.

 

Harry closes his eyes as he dives into the chorus and Louis feels the hold that Harry’s eyes have always had on him loosen a bit. He turns around without a second thought and walks back to the bar, ready to gulp down another neat whiskey. On another thought, the bartender seems to be busy arguing with an underage kid so he snags the bottle of rum on the counter and walks away with it, rushing toward the park through the side entrance of the arena. Maybe if he drinks himself into a coma, he'll get through tonight. 

 

And walk away from Harry tomorrow.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I do anything wrong? Anything right? At all?


	14. Know with all of your heart, you can't shame me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, ladies and gentlemen! Here is the last chapter of this story. It has been a wonderful journey, you've all been very kind to me so thanks and go forth! 
> 
> PS: Thank you Jo (Larryflippedthebird)for all your support. Cheers!
> 
> Fair warning: I'm shite at writing smut. Consider yourself warned.

Harry

 

His feet carry him faster than he’s ever run in his life, stumbling and pushing people out of the way he somehow gets to the park Liam mentioned and finds someone sitting at a bench with a burned out lamp above it. But even in the stark darkness he can tell it’s Louis.

 

He slows down and walks to the bench with quiet steps. Louis doesn’t realise someone’s there till he sits down on the unoccupied end and it’s then that Louis notices him and almost jumps off the bench. But then he seems to see who it is and settles back down. Harry sees the bottle in his hand and looks away when Louis follows his gaze.

 

Neither of them speaks for a moment.

 

Harry can’t take the silence anymore, though. That’s all they’ve had for years - silence.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

Louis takes in a sharp breath but he doesn’t move or say anything. Harry tries to calm his racing heart but he can’t, his hands are shaking uncontrollably and he’s itching to reach out and touch. But if he’s doing this, then he’s doing this right.

 

“I spent the last four years trying to forget you, drowned myself in whiskey and fucked countless strangers just so I could forget you for one fucking second. But I never could, gave my heart away to you a long time ago. I fell in love with you even before I understood what it meant. So why didn’t you tell me? Why did you lie to me and made me believe that I didn’t matter to you?”

 

He’s scared by how calm his voice is, so different from the last time he’d asked Louis questions he was scared to hear the answers to. He had been so angry then, every word was bitter as he’d spit them at Louis. 

 

Now, his heart is almost pounding in his throat but his voice is steady. He could be asking someone directions right now, that’s how calm he sounds.

 

When Louis talks, his voice trembles like his throat is closing up around the words and like his body doesn’t want him to admit it, like it’s going against his every instinct to say what he says.

 

“Because I was scared.”

 

Louis stops after that and takes a deep breath. He raises the bottle to his lips and takes a swig. Harry’s eyes follow every movement because what else can he do really. This is his world being tipped upside down right in front of his eyes, what can he do?

 

Louis puts the bottle down on the ground and starts talking, eyes still looking out toward the swings.

 

“I’ve always been in love with you, since that day I found you crying in Tesco’s.”

 

His breath comes out in a shudder when he hears those words. It’s like everything he’s ever been through - all that pain and anger, it all melts away. 

 

“You never said no to me, for anything. I spent years hiding it from you, even though I was dying to tell you. I just, I didn’t want to force you into anything and I knew you’d never say no to me. I didn’t want to suffocate you, Harry. 

I remember going to London the first time, it was like getting out of a cage. I never slept with anyone, never even looked at anyone that way but I did feel like I was finally free. And I didn’t want to take that away from you. If I tied you down, you’d have missed all that. I didn’t want you to give up your freedom, I was waiting for you to grow up a little bit more. Because if we’d gotten together then, while you were still in Cheshire, I would’ve suffocated you. Eventually. And you would’ve ended up resenting me.”

 

He sits there silently comprehending all of this. It makes no sense to him and yet it makes perfect sense. 

 

“I wanted to tell you about the bi-thing before everyone else but my mum heard me talking to Zayn on the phone and she told Anne and then everyone knew. I remember looking at you across the table and I knew I’d hurt you but I just didn’t know how to make it better so I never talked about it. 

Stan’s party, I’ll never forget that night. I only snogged Gemma because Stan had a huge crush on her and I was being a tool. You, on the other hand, I wanted to kiss. So badly, you can’t even imagine. I’d spent years fantasizing about kissing you and I wasn’t going to do it while we were both drunk in a room full of other drunk idiots. You meant too much to me. I could never do that to you. Plus, I didn’t know how you felt.”

 

“I almost cried, Louis. How did you think I felt? How did you not see it?”

 

“I thought I was seeing what I wanted to see. You’d never said anything and I didn’t want to lose my best mate because of a drunken snog. And that’s what the New Year’s kiss was. I was hurting too much, thinking about you all the time and I lost it when I heard your mum talking about you going on a date with someone. I lost it, couldn’t stand the thought of you with someone else and I kissed you without a second’s hesitation when I was drunk. 

Next day, Gemma told me Anne was just making a big deal out of a study-group thing you had with some girl and I was barfing my brains out so I made the stupid decision of never acknowledging what I’d done. I thought it’d go away but after that night, all I could think about was kissing you again. 

I told Zayn everything when we were rooming together, he said I should tell you but I didn’t fucking listen. And I didn’t listen to Gemma either. She knew.”

 

Louis stops talking, as if giving him time to absorb all this and Harry just doesn’t understand how he could’ve misunderstood so much. How he could’ve been so wrong about everything.

 

“Gemma knew even before I did and she teased me about it mercilessly. Started calling you my boyfriend because she thought you loved me too. ‘Of course he does, you twat! How can you not see it? He gets these fucking bambi heart-eyes when he looks at you! Of course he loves you too!’ she used to say. And I never believed her.

That day we had the fight, I’d just gotten a tattoo. She was asking me what my boyfriend thought about it and I told her you didn’t need to know, because I was going to surprise you when you came to London.”

 

Harry is left sitting there with his mouth hanging open as Louis unbuttons his shirt and takes it off enough to show off his inner arm. There’s a number of tattoos there but the one he points to says,

 

‘Oops!’

 

That’s his handwriting, that’s Harry’s handwriting.

 

“That’s what was written on the first page of your journal. I took a photo to the artist and he made it in the same font. First word you said to me.”

 

He can’t even begin to understand all of this. His hand itches to reach out and touch the ink on Louis’ arm but he knows there’s more to talk through before he can can do that. Louis buttons up his shirt and starts talking again,

 

“But then you ran away from us and when you came back you threw all these questions at me. I panicked and I knew I should tell you the truth but the fear came back. Fear that I’d crush your dreams if I told you, that I’d hold you back. You would’ve resented me, maybe not for the first couple years but you would’ve eventually. 

I just, I don’t think we’d have lasted. You were born to be on the stage and I would’ve held you back. We were meant to be together I do think, but not back then.”

 

“I could never resent you. Not even when you broke my heart, I still couldn’t bring myself to hate you.”

 

“You would’ve, Haz.”

 

“So then, what changed?”

 

“I did. And you. 

There hasn’t been a single day in the last four years when I didn’t think of you. Of that little boy I met in the cereal aisle. That boy, he’s gone and I just keep thinking what your life would be like if you’d never met me. If I had never took your hand in that playground, if I’d never pretended to lead you just to leave you when you really needed me. But then I think how my life would be if I’d never met you and I just--I can’t take it. I'm selfish, I need those years with you. I can’t bear the thought that I didn’t share those eleven years with you, I don’t know where I’d be. I would never have known you but I think I’d have missed you, anyway. It hurts, it feels like there’s a hand clenching around my heart when I think of a life without you.”

 

He can feel tears streaming down his cheeks and he can hear Louis sobbing next to him. Four years he spent thinking he’s got everything figured out, and here is he having his world turned upside down. Next to the man he’s been in love with all his life. And he’s got so much to say but he can’t find the right words. 

 

Louis takes a deep breath and starts talking again. Harry knows he could sit here until the sun comes up and listen to Louis. After years of static silence and old conversations replaying in his head, this is like when you're thirsty in the middle of the night and you put it off for hours before stumbling out of bed in the dark and finally getting a big gulp of water down your throat.

 

“It scares me so much that you will grow more, you will change more and you will have another life from here on out. Everyday you’ll be living a life, doing things that I won’t be a part of. I don’t--I don’t know what to do with that. It scares me so much. I’ve spent the last four years imagining what you were doing and I can’t stand the thought of spending the next four knowing you’re making new memories that I’m not a part of. 

I want to be there, when you try a new food and you discover that you’re allergic to a specific kind of fish so you can’t eat sushi or when you find a new favourite movie or when you fall in love with a new place you visit or when something life altering happens to you, I want to be there. I just want to fucking be there. Always. As long as you’ll let me.”

 

Louis’ looking at him with wet eyes, his blue orbs swimming in a sea of tears as he stares at Harry with baited breath. He doesn’t even know what to do. The only thought in his mind is he doesn’t deserves this, he hasn’t done anything good enough in life to deserve this.

 

“So you still…?”

 

“Of course I fucking do, Haz. Every single day.”

 

It’s just the way that Louis’ voice breaks on the word single, it’s the way that his eyes widen and he bites his lip when he says it. It’s the way he looks like his whole world rests in Harry’s hands. 

 

Or maybe it’s just because he’s Louis.

 

But it makes Harry lean forward and bring his lips to closer to Louis’, close enough that they can feel each other’s breath but still not touching. Louis looks at him with raised eyebrows and god he looks so hopeful, Harry rushes forward and kisses him like he’s always wanted to.

 

Like there’s not enough air in the world, like he’s going to learn everything about Louis from this brush of lips and like he’s never going to get enough no matter how many times they do this.

 

Louis pushes back against him, his hands coming up to rest on Harry’s face and his fingers are trembling as if unsure that he’s allowed to touch. Harry takes Louis’ hands in his and holds them to his face, grips his fingers tight as the brush of lips becomes urgent.

 

Louis swipes his tongue on Harry’s lower lip and he can’t help the surprised gasp when Louis pushes his tongue through his open lips. His hands are almost crushing Louis’ now but he doesn’t seem to bothered by it, he does bite Harry’s lip when his knuckles turn white from clutching Louis’ hand though. 

 

His mouth falls open on a broken moan when Louis keeps biting and pulling Harry’s lip into his mouth. It hurts but it hurts good and Harry tells him as much with his hitched breath every time Louis pulls on his lip or bites it. He can’t even bring himself to close his mouth at all, Louis moves a little closer and Harry really can’t help the loud moan that escapes his bitten lips when Louis’ teeth rake across his throat and bite down on his adam’s apple.

 

Louis bites down on sensitive skin before soothing it with his tongue and then sucking on the bruised skin. Harry knows his neck is going to be covered in bruises tomorrow and even though they have a below the collar rule, he couldn’t care less right now.

 

Louis’ mouth on his skin is worth way more than a pissed off Paul on his arse. 

 

He’s so far gone just from feeling Louis’ hands in his hair, wrapping around errant curls and roughly pulling just to see how wide his mouth falls open. Louis yanks at his hair, his teeth scraping on his pulse point and Harry knows he’s going to come in his pants once again if they don’t move. 

 

Unwillingly, he pulls away from Louis’ grip in his hair and his eyes slip closed when Louis’ hands don’t loosen on his curls and he has to bite down on his hand to swallow the wanton moan that almost escapes.

 

“Louis, Lou--we have to, please. Room, let’s go to my room.”

 

Louis’ mouth stills on his neck and he pulls his hands away from his hair, his eyes are wide when he looks back at Harry. 

 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Did I hurt you, oh go--”

 

“You didn’t, Lou. I promise you didn’t. I just really want you in my bed, right now.”

 

They seem to have agreed on something because they both get up and start running back toward the arena. He takes Louis’ hand in a tight grip and just the smile on Louis’ face makes Harry believe that all the pain and hurting was worth it.

 

The way back to the hotel is short but they run anyway, run fast enough that they’re panting and heaving by the time they can see the hotel. 

 

“I’m not used to this kind of exercise, this is brutal.”

 

Louis is almost coughing next to him but he doesn’t slow down or pull his hand away even as Harry slows down a bit.

 

“There’s a lot more exercise coming tonight, this is good warm-up. And exercise won’t be the only thing coming either.”

 

Louis stumbles in his steps for a second just as Harry says that with an exaggerated wink.

 

“You’re still terrible at trying to be funny.”

 

“I wasn’t trying to be anything, I was just telling you that I’m going to fuck you into the mattress till the sun comes up.”

 

He can feel the rush through his veins just by the way Louis blushes at his words, and how he falters while walking through the lobby and toward the lifts. 

 

They stand on opposite sides in the small lift, separated by a middle-aged couple but the second the doors close behind them, Louis is on him again. Harry can’t even get the door to his room open because Louis is plastered to his back and Harry can feel his hard cock through his jeans against his back.

 

He does finally get them inside and before Louis can move on him, he pins Louis to the door and pushes his thigh in between Louis' spread legs. He can feel him throbbing against his leg and it takes all the strength he has to not grind up against him, but he knows he’s close and he doesn’t want this to end so fast.

 

Louis is pushing against his thigh, his hands are unbuttoning Harry’s shirt and his leg is insistent against Harry’s cock and he can’t help but bite his lip to stop the little noises bubbling up in his throat. 

 

Louis is persistent though, more like hellbent on making him come in his pants again, his thigh grinding down against Harry’s crotch and his lips are wandering down his neck and down his chest. Harry opens his mouth to protest but his lips curl around thin air when Louis licks over his nipple. 

 

Harry’s always had sensitive nipples - he’d found that out when some bloke from some club had gone down on him in the shady bathroom and his hand had snaked up Harry’s chest and the second he had pinched his nipple through his shirt, Harry had come down his throat without even warning the man. And ever since then he’s always thought what it would be like to have Louis’ hands on his skin, his mouth on his chest and that’s exactly what he’s getting right now.

 

Louis scrapes his teeth around the sensitive bud before clamping down hard on it and pulling the nipple between his teeth, Harry’s breath gets stuck in his throat and what comes out instead is a hiccup followed by another. Louis must notice the effect his teeth are having on Harry because he pulls away instantly and looks up at Harry with a smirk pulling on his lips.

 

“I thought you were going to fuck me into the mattress?”

 

Harry takes a moment to reply, his brain still trying to process that he’s actually got Louis in his arms right now. Finally. 

 

He just can’t believe his luck, Louis is looking up at him through his long lashes, his lip caught between his sharp teeth and Harry just can’t believe that he’s lucky enough to see this. 

 

The moment his brain catches up with him though, he registers the challenging tilt of Louis’ chin and the dare in his eyes, the words he had spoken just now finally register in his mind and he moves his hips down roughly against Louis’. 

 

His own eyes almost snap closed at the sweet friction against his cock but the sight of Louis whimpering against him as he bites down even harder on his lip - hard enough to draw blood - makes him move his hips again and again, as he leans down with his chest pushing Louis even farther into the wall.

 

Louis’ arms come up to grip his biceps tightly, his nails digging into the inked skin when he feels Harry’s tongue on his earlobe, his harsh breath on his ear as he whispers,

 

“Don’t you worry about that, love. You just worry about how you’re going to be so sore that you can’t walk properly for days.” 

 

Louis’ loud gasp when Harry finishes talking is reward enough, Harry can’t help the huge grin on his face at seeing how unsettled Louis has become just from his words. He pulls back from him and leans down to put his hands around Louis’ thigh and picks him up. Louis’ hands go around his neck and he can’t help but think this is so similar to that day in the bathroom but he doesn’t let himself dwell on that. 

 

Louis is moving his hips in little circles against Harry’s as he carries him toward the bed, his steps faltering when he feels Louis’ cock against his stomach, leaking already.

 

“Patience, love.”

 

Louis buries his head into Harry’s neck, his teeth biting down hard on the already red bruise there. Harry feels a shudder run down his spine when he feels the spark of pain again, he throws Louis on the bed roughly, Louis’ startled little moan when he lands against the quilt sending another shock through Harry.

 

He leans down against Louis, settling in between his spread legs and bringing their chests together. Louis looks away from his eyes for a second and his cheeks are flushed, Harry raises his fingers to Louis’ jaw and turning his face toward himself,

 

“Do you like it when I’m rough, Louis?”

 

He still won’t meet Harry’s eyes, but the rise of even more color on his face tells Harry everything he needs to know.

 

“Like it when I pick you up and throw you on the bed? You want me to hold you down while I fuck you?”

 

His hips are moving with every question, thrusting up into Louis. He can feel their cocks moving together through their clothes and he gets up to rip his jeans off and then Louis’. He’s lying on the bed just looking up at Harry the entire time and only moving to lift his hips when Harry is pulling down his jeans. 

 

Harry stops with his hands mid-air when he sees Louis’ cock resting heavily on his stomach, an angry red as it throbs against his golden skin and he can’t help but lean down to kiss Louis and tell him how perfect he is.

 

“You’re so beautiful. So fucking perfect.”

 

Louis whines under him when Harry’s cock touches Louis’ as he grinds down on him. He can feel the wetness between their bodies, the heat and the stuttered movements of their hips as they move against each other, drunk on lust.

 

“Do you want me to hold your wrists against the headboard while I pound into you? Want me to tie you up? Blindfold you so you can’t see me over you but I can see your every little movement and hear every little sound while you beg me to go faster?”

 

Louis is a writhing mess under him by now and Harry can hardly hold back so he sits up and walks to his suitcase to get the lube out. Louis’ eyes are snapped shut and his chest is rising and falling harshly as his fingers grip the sheet beneath him.

 

Harry leans down over him and caresses his cheek with his hand, Louis leans into the touch with a soft sigh. Harry kisses him on his forehead and on his cheek, his lips tremble a little under Harry’s this time.

 

“Hey, we can stop if you want. I know you’ve never done this before. Don’t have to do anything tonight, we can stop.”

 

He doesn’t want to, he wants to map out Louis’ skin with his tongue. Wants to run his mouth over Louis’ heated skin, over his tattoos and wants to make him come four times just from his mouth. But he’ll wait, for as long as Louis wants. 

 

He will lie in bed next to Louis, just hold him to his chest and go to sleep if that’s what Louis wants. 

 

“Don’t you dare stop, Styles.”

 

Those words and the sight of Louis lying flushed against the wrinkled white sheets, his legs spread and his hands gripping the sheets like he needs the anchor to hold him down, it all just makes the heat pool deeper in his own stomach and he leans down over Louis bringing their heated skin together.

 

“Bossy, I like it.”

 

Louis doesn’t move his hands from the sheets at all and Harry thinks he’s definitely submissive in bed and frankly, even after being with so many other people, he has never seen a more beautiful sight. Louis’ lips are swollen against his, wet and insistent against his mouth but he pulls away after a while.

 

Louis stays right where he is as Harry lathers up his fingers and leans down to settle between his legs. He trails light kisses down Louis’ thighs and he can feel his muscles twitching under his lips with every touch. He holds Louis down with a hand on his thigh as he brings his tongue to lick a wet patch over Louis’ hole.

 

Lou arches off the bed with a guttural moan but Harry keeps his grip firm, there will be finger-shaped bruises on his hips tomorrow. Harry’s tongue moves relentlessly against him, licking sloppily over the ring of muscle and darting in and out as his fingers dig into Louis’ thigh.

 

He stops when Louis’ moans turn into a rough wheezing as his fingers twist and turn in the bedsheet even more. He leaves a kiss over the fluttering hole and sits up over Louis to find him absolutely wrecked. 

 

Louis’ eyes are snapped shut, his lip caught between his teeth and his chest heaving like he can’t get enough air and his collarbones stand out even sharper since he’s holding his breath. Harry can count individual veins in his neck and his forearms from how hard he’s gripping the sheet and how roughly he’s panting. 

 

Harry wants to give him time to calm down but Louis flutters his eyes open and looks at Harry questioningly. And it’s just the way he’s looking at Harry, with his eyes dark enough that he can’t even see the blue in them anymore, and that just makes Harry kiss him once before leaning down and pushing a finger into Louis, with as much tenderness as he can manage.

 

Louis makes a pained sound and that makes Harry stop moving at all, but then he feels Louis thrusting down on his finger and after that it’s a haze of movement as his fingers dip in deftly while Louis clenches down on them teasingly and moaning like he’s dying from the pleasure one breath at a time.

 

Harry tries to go slow so as not to hurt Louis but he hardly seems bothered by the three fingers relentlessly driving in and out of him as he pushes down on them with his feet planted firmly on the bed around Harry’s knees. He curls them inside Louis, and he knows he’s found what he was looking for when Louis arches off the bed and falls forward into Harry’s chest,

 

“Found it.”

 

Louis pushes down harder onto his fingers like he’s riding Harry, and that’s all Harry can take really. He can’t hold back any longer as Louis almost rides his hand so he pushes him to lie back down and pulls out his fingers. Louis is lying perfectly still, staring up at Harry and he pretty much dives down to bring their lips together. 

 

Louis holds his hips up a little as Harry pushes in, stays for a moment to let him adjust. He looks down to find Louis with a frown on his face like he’s trying to concentrate on something, beads of sweat on his forehead. Harry leans down to kiss the frown away and he only starts moving when Louis moves his hips to take him in deeper.

 

They move against each other, slowly at first but once Harry knows that Louis is not hurting anymore, he sits up and brings Louis closer to him by gripping his hips and pulling him along. His thrusts get deeper and Louis is panting beneath him, arms above his head dutifully holding on to the headboard.

 

The noises Louis is making are absolutely obscene, he tries to muffle them in the pillow but Harry growls and throws the pillow off the bed and tells him he wants to hear everything. Louis flushes at his words but his moans gets louder and his grunts deeper.

 

“Ugh, yeah...yeaahh…aaah!”

 

“Yeah? Is it good? Like it, Lou? You're so loud in everything, so let me hear it, Lou!”

 

“Yeah...ah...Harry! Oh god yeah!”

 

Harry can’t help but pound in harder when he hears the little hiccups, and sees Louis struggling to breathe around the whines stumbling from his lips. His thighs tremble around Harry’s waist and he has to shoot out his arm to keep them wrapped around himself because Louis seems to have lost the power to hold them up. Harry knows Louis’ going to have trouble walking tomorrow and that just makes him thrust harder.

 

“Everyone will notice and Zayn will ask you why you’re limping and I’ll be staring at you waiting to see if you tell them that I fucked you so hard you can feel it on every step you take.”

 

Louis gasps sharply against him, his arms come up to grip around his shoulder and his blunt nails dig into Harry’s back. They move against each other, Louis’ leaking cock trapped between them and rubbing against Harry’s abs. 

 

“I’ll tell them you held me down and made me take it. I’ll tell Liam and Niall too, if you want.”

 

Harry can’t help the little growl that escapes his lips as he bites down hard on Louis' arm where the 'Oops!' tattoo is, both their voices are gone by now and Louis’ legs tighten around his waist and after that it’s just a relentless pounding in and out but even in the middle of the grunts and whines, he can’t help but lean down to look at Louis when he knows he’s close.

 

“I love you, Louis.”

 

Louis’ eyes fly open at the soft tone of his voice, and just like that he comes between them with his face pressed against Harry’s chest.

 

Harry thrusts in and out, once and he’s close but not there yet. And then he feels Louis’ teeth biting down on his nipple as he clenches hard around Harry’s cock. His hips stutter in their movements and he all but collapses over Louis as his orgasm rips through him and he comes inside Louis. 

 

There’s a good five minutes he’s sure he’s missed when he feels Louis’ hands on him and a wet rag on his stomach. His head is too heavy to lift but he does anyway, Louis is kneeling at his side and wiping cum off his stomach. When he’s finished, he comes back to lie down next to Harry and curls up around him.

 

Harry turns to him and brings his arms around his tiny body, Louis nuzzles into his chest and sighs.

 

“I love you, Harry. So fucking much.”

 

He laughs a bit at that, but he can understand the desperation in Louis’ voice all too well. It feels like he’s breathing for the first time in ten years. Louis leans up and plants a kiss on his shoulder before settling in against him again.

 

“Hey Lou, I’m sorry for not waiting for you. I was just, too angry and frustrated. I thought fucking strangers was going to help me forget you.”

 

“It’s okay, I get it. I…”

 

“You didn’t though, Zayn and I had an interesting chat yesterday.”

 

“Oh god, what did he say? He just really likes embarrassing me--”

 

“He said you’ve never slept with anyone, except with him once which--”

 

“It was just a drunken thing and we didn’t--”

 

“I know. And I’m sorry I couldn’t wait.”

 

“Hey, stop saying that.”

 

Louis is looking at him with stern eyes and Harry doesn’t understand how is this real life. Just how.

 

“I have no right to expect that of you. I never gave you a reason to wait.”

 

Harry knows he’s right, but he wants to apologise anyway. For not having enough faith in their love. And the words just spill out of him before he can stop them.

 

“I didn’t wait, because I was just so angry at you. Every single day I woke up, and I looked at myself in the mirror, hated who I saw there - no emotions, no compassion like I used to have and I hated it but it protected me, that shell. I promised myself I’d never fall in love again, I was just so frustrated and I was so so angry with you, Lou. So I slept with countless people, just faceless bodies, warmth for a night trying to forget you but I never could. Gave up after a while, couldn’t keep it up. Couldn’t touch anyone, couldn’t even look at anyone. I’d always seek out their eyes, see what colour they were - always searching for your blue. Never found it.”

 

Louis staring at him with wide eyes. His hands are clutching Harry’s arms and he’s sitting up now. Looking down at Harry with a shocked face, and wet eyes. The moment feels so precious for some reason, delicate enough that Harry doesn’t even dare breathe loudly.

 

“I am so, so fucking sorry, Hazza. God, I wish I wasn’t such a coward.”

 

“You’re not a coward, Lou. Don’t say that.”

 

“My god, look at you. I don’t deserve you. Hurt you so much, all this time and you’re still defending me!”

 

“You’re not a coward, you were looking out for me. And I’m equally at fault here. I just, I was a baby. You know, that was the thing that used to upset me the most. When you called me a baby, cuz I used to think that’s why you didn’t love me. That I was too young, but I’ve realised over time that you were right. I did think some stupid things and I--”

 

“You had every right to, I shouldn’t have called you that. You’re the most mature person I know, Harry.”

 

“I thought you and Gemma were…”

 

Louis is left speechless by his little confession, staring slack-jawed at him. Harry wishes he could say something, deny it but it’s true. And if he’s finally gotten Louis, he’s not going to lose him again by lying.

 

“You thought…”

 

“I heard you talking to her in the kitchen. She said ‘what would your boyfriend think’ and you said ‘he doesn’t need to know’ and I just--there was too much happening. And that night at Stan’s party, you kissed her. I was just too confused.”

 

“Harry, I swear to god, I have never even looked at anyone else that way. Not Gemma and not anyone else. Is that why you left that day?”

 

“Kind of. I was--that day I was going to tell you how I felt but then I came down the stairs and I heard you two and I just, I couldn’t even stand up properly. Could hear voices in my own head telling me you’d never love me and that I was stupid for thinking you could.”

 

“My god, I’m such a fucking idiot. I’m so sorry, Harry. You must’ve been hurting so bad and I wasn’t even there for you.”

 

“It’s alright. I just, I was doubting my decision to leave the night before my flight but then I saw this photo of you on my facebook, and I just. Had a panic attack in the front lawn and yeah. I did--”

 

“It wasn’t me. I swear, it was this lad at uni. trying to take revenge or something stupid. I called you and I texted you--”

 

“I know. I was about to board the plane when you called but I had made up my mind so I didn’t pick up. Didn’t see the text either but I figured out that it wasn’t you some days later. I just had a feeling.”

 

“You must have been so lonely, I drove you out of your own home. I’m so sorry, poor baby.”

 

Harry stops for a second because that's the word he used to despise falling out of Louis' lips and right now, that's all he wants from Louis. To be called that. And Louis seems to have caught his reaction as well.

 

“Hey, it’s alright. I coped, plus I found Niall and Liam and it wasn’t so bad after that.”

 

“I remember seeing this billboard of you, about a year after you left. And I pretty much had a heart attack right there on the street.”

 

“I used to think about it sometimes, what you’d think if you ever saw me on one. During photoshoots too, used to wonder if you’d see this one.”

 

“No, I stopped looking at billboards after that. It was too hard, kept having dreams about you if I saw one. Couple panic attacks here and there but Zayn was a good mate.”

 

“Yeah, he said. I’m sorry too, you know. I’m sorry for leaving you.”

 

“I didn’t give you a choice, did I?”

 

“God I wish I was stronger. I almost gave in, met this man in a club one night and he gave me a packet. Didn’t even check what it was till I got home the next morning, it was cocain. I just looked down at it in shock, and I should’ve thrown it away but I didn’t. Kept it stashed in the cover of my journal, and Christmas Eve two years ago I took it out. 

I was so weak, my hands were trembling as I opened it and held it on my palm and I almost did it but you stopped me. Your face flashed in front of my eyes and even though it was you I was running from, it was you that saved me too. I guess you’re too strong-willed without meaning to because I know I probably wouldn’t have made it if I had gone through with it.”

 

Louis jumps into his lap when Harry stops talking, Louis’ arms around his neck are almost suffocating as he holds on tight. Harry brings his arms around Louis too, holding him to himself because he doesn’t plan on letting go anytime soon.

 

Louis’ head rests on his shoulder and he feels wetness on his skin but he doesn’t say anything. Just holds on to Louis like he’s dreamt of so many times over the years. 

 

“I promise I’ll never leave you again. I should’ve been there, I should’ve kept my promise from years ago to always protect you and you can punish me any way you want. But never again, I’ll never leave you again, Hazza.”

 

He can’t even find any words, everything he wants Louis has already offered to him. What else could he possibly want?

 

They lie down silently, Louis still holding on tightly to him. This is all he’s ever wanted in life, this is the warmth he was chasing with all those meaningless fucks and he’s finally feeling what he’s been describing in his songs for years. Love. Home.

 

“Would it be easier to never leave me if I moved to London?”

 

Louis sits up again, so quickly that Harry’s arms fall against the bed as he’s left looking at a very shocked Louis.

 

“You’re thinking of moving?”

 

He nods slightly and the smile on Louis’ face is absolutely heart-breaking. It’s like he’s daring to hope even though he’s been hurt enough times to know that hope doesn’t work. God, Harry’s so gone on him.

 

“The lads have always wanted to come back to England when I was ready.”

 

Louis reaches out a trembling hand and settles it over Harry’s heart. He brings his own hand to rest on Louis’.

 

“Do you think you’re ready?”

 

He remembers Louis looking like this years ago, before they were torn apart. In that cottage when he played Harry a song on the piano, he had looked just like this. 

 

He simply nods his head and Louis leans down to brush his lips against Harry’s. It’s soft as compared to their earlier kisses, almost a phantom touch and Harry has never been happier. He pulls Louis to him who comes willingly and they both curl up around each other.

 

The silence is deafening.

 

There’s so much they need to tell each other, ask each other but they’ve got the rest of their lives for that.

 

Louis’ breathing has slowed down, he must be close to falling asleep. Harry can feel his heart beating languidly against his palm and he’s almost slipping into oblivion himself when he remembers something.

 

“Lou?”

 

Louis stirs a little and moves his head back to look at Harry through half-lidded eyes.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Let’s go home.”

 

Louis’ lips curl into a slow smile as he pushes back into Harry’s chest and nods his head before kissing his arm that’s under Louis’ head. Harry almost misses what Louis whispers into his skin,

 

“Let’s go home.”

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, have I fucked this all up? Did I maybe not fuck it up a little bit? 
> 
> PS: Those of you who're not happy with the top/bottom situation, there is an epilogue coming. (Not that that's going to be any better but yeah) 
> 
> Patience, love..


	15. Be my baby, and I'll look after you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for bearing with me through this mess of a story. It was a pleasure to write for you lot! And if you've got any writing prompts you could leave them in the comments, I'm looking for something to write after this. Okay well, off you go!
> 
> PS: Title is from Look after You by The Fray. If you haven't, listen to this song. Louis covered it when he was 16, it's pretty good.

He wakes up to a sharp pain and a loud ringing noise. Panic shoots through him when he feels an arm around his waist and naked skin on his back. Someone is in bed with him and his heart rate's definitely too high for someone who's just woken up. But then he turns around and sees Harry there with his eyes closed and his curls falling over his face, snoring lightly and he relaxes immediately.

 

His eyes slip closed as he lays back down and snuggles into Harry’s embrace. 

 

Life is good. Everything is great, he thinks, with a deep sigh. 

 

Everything except the insistent ringtone. Fucking fuck.

 

Louis stumbles out of bed to get the phone and the second he plants his feet on the carpet, screams out in agony as a sharp pain shoots up his back. 

 

“Motherfuckin’--”

 

Harry is up within seconds and his arms curl around Louis protectively as he pulls him into his chest. Louis stumbles a bit into Harry and there’s too much going on for him to process. His arse is killing him, Harry is holding him up basically, they’re both naked and he can feel Harry’s morning hardness digging into his back and his fucking phone won’t stop ringing.

 

“What is it, Lou?”

 

He turns around a little to face Harry and smiles at him reassuringly.

 

“It’s nothing, Haz. Let me get the phone.”

 

Harry pulls his arm as he tries to walk away and makes him sit on the bed as he walks toward where their clothes are on the floor.

 

“I’ll get it, you sit down.”

 

“I’m alright, you know. Not an invalid.”

 

“You screamed like someone was ripping you apart.”

 

“You already did that, darling.”

 

He smirks at Harry as he hands him back the phone and the most bashful blush shows up on his pale cheeks before he turns away and lies back down. Louis answers the phone before Alex Turner can ask him why he only calls him when he’s high for the seventeenth time.

 

“‘lo?”

 

“Thank god you’re alive!”

 

“Do you have to be so dramatic so early in the day?”

 

“I don’t know, do you have to miss your flight back to England?”

 

“Oh my fucking, shit fuck--”

 

“It’s alright, Lou. I figured we weren’t getting on that plane.”

 

“What?”

 

“I cancelled the tickets, postponed them. Figured you’d be too fucked out to travel.”

 

“Uh.”

 

He doesn’t really know what to say. Zayn’s assuming that he’s fucking someone. More likely than not, Harry. He’s not sure what he should be saying.

 

“I take it I’m right, then? Seeing as how Niall and Liam haven’t seen Harry since last night either, did you two finally fuck?”

 

“Yeah, we uh…I was with him.”

 

He can’t even bring himself to finish that thought. Harry is lazily smiling up at him with his face half mussed into the pillow as his hand draws patterns into Louis’ thigh. God, he had dreams like these when he was young. Of Harry and him just being with each other. Nothing else, just being.

 

Before Zayn can even say anything, a loud cheer sounds from his side of the phone. And then a bang, and a rather creative swear word. A voice apologises quickly - that sounds like Liam, he thinks. 

 

“Was that--?”

 

“Niall, yeah. He jumped up on the table to do a victory dance but slipped and fell and that poetry was him too. And that was Liam apologising.”

 

“Oh, well I’m glad you weren’t alone last night.”

 

“Yeah well, we spent hours looking for you but then gave up and ended up getting plastered.”

 

“Glad you enjoyed, then.”

 

“Clearly not as much as you. Lou, your voice sounds like you’ve swallowed sandpaper. Did he make you scream all night?”

 

His face is burning as he tries to stop choking on thin air. Harry sits up abruptly, rubbing his back as Zayn and Niall laugh on the phone. Liam’s voice is noticeably absent.

 

Zayn doesn’t tease him anymore but he does ask him when they’ll be done. Harry takes the phone from him and asks Zayn to put Niall on.

 

“Hiya Haz, up all night to get lucky, eh?”

 

Harry smirks at Louis and bites his lip but doesn’t answer. Louis almost drags him down and fucks him right then and there, his eyes are almost black as he stares at Louis.

 

“Listen Niall, remember how you said you want to move to England? You and Li?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Do you still want to?”

 

Harry’s face is contorted into a frown, Louis pulls out of his arms and leans down to plant his lips on Harry’s chest. He keeps dragging them lower and lower till he’s kissing bruises into his lovehandles. 

 

Harry’s breath hitches when he feels Louis’ lips wrapping around his cock. He smiles up at Harry and takes him in deeper, Harry’s eyes slip closed and his mouth falls open.

 

“Yeah, yeah we want to. Do you--”

 

“Pack your bags, Ni. We’re going to Cheshire.”

 

That’s all he can get out because Louis has taken him into his mouth completely and is hollowing his cheeks around him. The phone drops out of his hand (he's hoping that Niall disconnected or else he's getting a front row seat into Harry and Louis' sex life right about now) as he pushes his fingers through Louis’ hair and pulls. 

 

Louis hums around him at that, his eyes looking up at Harry through his thick lashes with innocence and lust mixed dangerously in them. Harry tries to hold it back but Louis just keeps going, pulling back all the way and then taking him all in. 

 

Harry’s gone the second he hits the back of Louis’ throat. He doesn’t even have enough strength to warn Louis or to pull off, he comes down Louis’ throat who takes it all in and leans up to kiss him afterward.

 

Harry just can not stop kissing Louis. He can feel a bitter taste on his lips, and his tongue. Can taste himself pretty much, but he doesn’t stop. His hand grips Louis’ cock and with his mouth on Louis’ and one of his hands circling his hole, he brings him off with a choked sob. 

 

They both lie there panting and boneless till Louis’ phone pings with a text message. 

 

‘You can fuck all you want when we get to Cheshire, but please let’s just go. And try to keep the lovebirds act a little in control, I remember how sickening you were back in uni when you were pining. I expect even worse now that there's two of you. Fuck my life.’ - Zayn

 

They both laugh at the screen as they lazily roll around on the sheets. Harry just keeps grinning and when Louis asks him what he’s laughing at, he just pulls him in and snogs the life out of him.

 

“I’m just so happy. I have you and now we’re going home.”

 

***

 

Zayn and Niall are standing on either side of Liam when they get down to the hotel lobby. Harry is gripping his hand tightly in his own and Louis tries to keep the wincing to a minimum as his pants rub against his sore arse every step he takes..

 

“Trying to walk, Lou?”

 

Zayn smirks knowingly at him and then the three of them burst out laughing as Harry’s grip tightens on his hand. When he looks up, Harry raises his eyebrows at him and he’s immediately reminded of last night and what Harry had said.

 

“Yeah, I stubbed my toe.”

 

“Sure you did.”

 

Zayn and Niall snicker while Liam brings his palm to his forehead. Harry just stares at him daringly.

 

“That and Harold here fucked me into the mattress quite good so excuse me while I go find a pillow to put under my sore bum.”

 

And with that he walks away toward the entrance of the hotel while the four lads stare after him with wide eyes and hanging jaws.

 

***

Harry falls asleep next to him on the plane while Liam is on his other side, trying to read a magazine. Zayn and Niall are opposite them, still doing their ‘blatant eyefucking but merely talking’ mating ritual.

 

“I feel like we’re going to have to lock those two in a bathroom or something.”

 

Liam looks up from his magazine and glares at Niall and Zayn for a moment before turning toward him. 

 

“I might be more inclined toward that than you. Last night was so painful for me, two of you were off and those two kept staring at each all night long. I was seconds away from opening the window and taking a dive.”

 

He can’t the laugh that bubbles out of his lips at that, he can imagine Liam looking murderous as Niall and Zayn danced around each other in a drunken haze.

 

“I don’t get it, do they not see it? How can they not?”

 

“You’re one to talk.”

 

And yeah, okay. Liam has a point.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”

 

“No, you’re right.”

 

They’re silent after that, mood turned serious from the light joking before.

 

“Louis?” 

 

He turns to find Liam looking at him with sincere eyes and he feels nervous. But he nods anyway.

 

“You do love him, right?”

 

And he thinks back to two nights ago when he and Liam were flirting with each other. Oh god. 

 

“I’m sorry, Liam. About that night when we--”

 

“Forgotten. Let’s not talk about that, ever.”

 

He shots Liam a thankful smile.

 

“Deal.”

 

“So, do you?”

 

It takes him a second to remember what Liam’s asking and then he can’t help but frown at the lad. Of course, he does.

 

“I do. Of course, I do.”

 

“Just checking, mate. Because we were there when he cried through the night so many times but wouldn’t even tell us anything. I just want to make sure that won’t happen again.”

 

“Never again.”

 

Liam seems satisfied with that answer and he turns back to his magazine after smiling at him once more. Louis turns around to lean more into Harry.

 

They both groan when Niall and Zayn blush and apologise profusely to each other after their hands touched over the console. 

 

“You have bathrooms at your house, right?”

 

“More than enough.”

 

Liam goes back to his magazine and Louis rests his head on top of Harry’s and goes to sleep.

 

***

 

The airport is a shitstorm if Louis has ever seen one. Both his and Harry’s families are there with glittery signs for all five of them and there’s tears and hugs and snot and friendly slaps and lots of pushing and pulling.

 

It takes twenty minutes for everyone to hug everyone, and say sorries and thanks yous. The girls are wrapped around each of Louis’ legs while his mum is an absolute mess of tears and Dan is pretty much holding her up at this point. Lottie seems uninterested in him, her gaze is rather sharp on Harry who is struggling in Anne’s death grip.

 

He laughs and walks over to rescue Harry and instead gets pulled in himself. Anne is absolutely crushing them both in her arms and Louis holds back just as tight. When she pulls back, she slaps him lightly and mildly screams at him for staying away for so long. 

 

“I’m sorry, Anne. I was being an idiot.”

 

“Yes you were, we missed you so much. Both of you.”

 

He hugs her again as Harry goes to find Jay. When she sees him walking toward her sheepishly, she breaks down crying again. Harry holds her close and tells her congratulations for the babies.

 

“You’re going to raise them, you hear me? You and Louis, both.”

 

He tries to keep the tears at bay but he can’t as he nods against her shoulder and tells her he’s going to raise them and be their godfather. Lottie is very nice to him and hugs him tight, but the twins are too shy. They were hardly walking when he left so they don’t remember him but they wave at him shyly anyway, hiding behind their mum.

 

Robin is busy looking at Niall’s braces and telling him he looks good while Zayn and Liam are talking to Dan about Glasgow. 

 

It’s all a huge mess and Paul and people from the airport security have to break them up eventually because they’re taking up too much space. 

 

Getting out is a challenge but Paul does well - he shields Harry, Niall and Liam and gets them into one of the cars they rented while the rest of them pile up into their family cars. It doesn’t take long to get back but by the time they’re all gathered in Harry’s house, everyone is tired.

 

They’re pretty much slumped on sofas and even the floor as Anne and Jay get them tea. Louis and Harry are both notoriously missing from the group, as they sit on the porch outside waiting for the one person who isn’t here.

 

Gemma’s eyes are bugging out of her face as she stands dumbfounded in the driveway looking at the two figures in front of her. Robin had told her that they were going into town today and would bring a surprise for her so she should come by for dinner but never in her dreams had she ever expected to come home to this.

 

Louis rushes forward to pull her into a hug and in her state of shock she can’t even hug him back. Then she feels Harry come to stand behind her and pulling them both in an embrace and that’s it.

 

Four years worth of tears start leaking from her eyes.

 

God knows how long they stand there but it’s just silence the whole time. Silence and tears.

 

When they finally decide to sit down on the porch steps, Louis and Harry are leaning so much into each other and she just knows. And god, is she happy.

 

“Finally!”

 

Louis laughs at her through his tears and she can’t help but do the same. God, she’s waited for this day for so long.

 

“I’m sorry, Lou. I just, after he left I just couldn’t help but feel guilty. And a part of me blamed you so I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you.”

 

“It’s okay, Gems. I get it. I was angry at first but then I got it.”

 

Harry is shaking his head at both of them and his lips are wobbling, Louis knows he’s about to break down any second.

 

“It’s all my fault. I am so, so sorry Gemma. I wasn't here when you graduated or when you went to France, and I didn't ask you when and mum and dad came to Sydney. I'm just so sorry for being a twat. God, I thought you and Louis were--”

 

“Woah! Me and him?”

 

Louis can’t help but laugh at the expression on her face, and he’s almost certain that that’s what he looked like when Harry had told him this yesterday.

 

“Yeah, I was just--”

 

“I have taste, Harry. You’re the only one who likes his ugly mug!”

 

“Hey!”

 

It’s Harry’s turn to laugh now and Louis is beyond offended by this insinuation. Gemma seems to have come out of her shock and back into her usual sassy self.

 

“My god, Harry. How could you even think that?”

 

“There was that time when you two snogged at Stan’s par--”

 

“In a drunken game!”

 

“And then I heard him saying his boyfriend wouldn’t need to know what you were doing--”

 

“You’re his boyfriend!”

 

“I know that now! But back then...”

 

“You two are perfect for each other. Fucking idiots.”

 

She shakes her head at both of them and tells them they better clear their schedules for tomorrow since she's going to need an entire day of them being her slaves to earn her forgiveness truly, before going in to yell at their mum about not telling her.

 

***

 

The gang is still at Harry’s home while Louis and Harry sneaked out to walk to Louis’. Today has been absolutely surreal with so much going on, all their memories being replayed in front of Liam and Niall and Zayn. And the lads seem to fit in perfectly as well, Niall and Zayn still running in circles around each other while Liam seems rather taken with Gemma.

 

Louis pulls Harry through the door and pins him against the wall the second he walks in. They haven’t been in this house in four years, it still smells the same and everything seems to be in the same place even and he's itching to look around, but Louis needs to feel Harry against him first.

 

Harry apparently has the same idea as he pushes back against Louis and kisses him roughly. He can feel Louis’ cock against his thigh but before he can even move a muscle Louis is gripping his arm and leading him into his old bedroom. 

 

Harry can’t help but look around in awe, everything is the same. Louis’ posters of football players are still on the walls, his bed neatly made and even his desk is filled with books from uni like he had left it that weekend four years ago.

 

This is the room he had first realised that he was in love with Louis. This is the room where he wanted to kiss Louis countless time. And he can’t really help it that being here again with Louis’ hand gripped tight in his makes him want to fuck him right now.

 

“Stop looking at me like that, Harry!”

 

“Like what?”

 

Before he can even move his hand, Louis has pushed him onto his bed and is straddling his thighs. Harry’s breath gets caught in his throat when Louis grinds teasingly in his lap.

 

“All innocent, like you used to before.”

 

Louis almost rips his shirt off and Harry has absolutely no idea just how Louis has transformed into this dominant person all of a sudden when he was whimpering and writhing underneath Harry just this morning.

 

“Louis--”

 

His lips curl around empty air when Louis reaches down and unbuttons his jeans before taking them off - albeit a little bit of struggling involved - along with his pants and leaving him absolutely bare on his childhood bed.

 

“You had your chance, now I’m going to fuck you into this mattress and you’ll be screaming my name loud enough that your mum can hear it down the street.”

 

He can only gasp and pant as Louis runs his fingers over his hole and teases the rim with his tongue. Louis is absolutely unforgiving as he fucks his tongue into Harry’s hole while his hand is working over his leaking cock. 

 

“Louis, please…”

 

“Please what, baby?”

 

An embarrassingly loud moan escapes him when Louis leans down and takes the head into his mouth while his finger slips into Harry. 

 

“Fuck me, please just--”

 

“Patience, love.”

 

Harry recognises those words and the condescending tone from last night when he had whispered them to Louis and he absolutely regrets doing it. God, he had thought he was always going to be the one fucking Louis but how had he ever forgotten that Louis would never just take it lying down. He always dishes it as good as he gets and right now, more than he gets because Harry is pretty much humping the air as Louis’ fingers twist and turn inside him.

 

Harry’s eyes land on the bottle of lube lying by Louis’ knee and curiosity gets the best of him even as he’s being fingered open by the man he loves.

 

“When did you get lube?”

 

“I stole it from your handbag after you looked at me like that in front of Zayn and the lads. What? Did you think that I would just let you embarrass me like that and nothing?”

 

He twists his fingers and rubs against the bundle of nerves that makes Harry arch off the bed with a loud scream. Louis doesn’t even give him time before swiping his fingers against the spot again.

 

“Sorry, I’m sorry Lou--”

 

“Oh you will be sorry, sweetheart.”

 

Harry does not like the vindictive glint in Louis’ eye as he jumps off the bed to rip his own clothes off before settling between Harry’s legs and getting his cock lined up with Harry. He stays where he is and just teases the tip on the rim while staring down at Harry with dark eyes and it’s absolute torture.

 

“Ready, love?”

 

Harry can only nod his head and before he’s even done Louis pushes in the whole way and then stops. Harry’s eyes are snapped shut against the sensation and even though it’s a bit uncomfortable, he also feels so full. He can feel Louis throbbing inside him and it’s like feeling Louis’ heart beating inside his own chest and Harry grinds down against him at the thought.

 

Louis starts to pull out slowly and push back in but he keeps it slow and gentle, to the point where Harry is getting dizzy from need but Louis just wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. 

 

Louis, ughh Louis, oh fuck, Lou!

 

“How do you like this, then? Been teasing me all day, you like this?”

 

“Faster, Lou. Please.”

 

“Beg me for it.”

 

“Please, Louis. God, just please, please---aah!”

 

Louis leans up on his arms and thrusts in hard, Harry feels his hips slamming into his own and his throat clams up. Louis doesn’t stop at all, his hips pounding relentlessly as he stares down at Harry with electrifying eyes.

 

“Slept with all those people, did you beg them too?”

 

“No! No…”

 

“Saw your photo in the papers with a bloke, you let him fuck you like this?”

 

He can’t even bring himself to answer right now because Louis is thrusting in so fast, his voice is so rough right now and Harry doesn’t even have the strength to form words.

 

“You moan like this with his cock in you?”

 

“No, I’ve never let anyone fuck me.”

 

Louis stops moving altogether when he registers those words, everything just stops spinning around him and the only sound is Harry’s rough panting underneath him. 

 

“What?”

 

Harry looks up at him through tired eyes and nods his head weakly.

 

“I’ve never let anyone…”

 

Louis didn’t even know that Harry being with other people bothered him so much but for some reason it had slipped out of his mouth just now. And now Harry’s saying he’s never let anyone do this to him before and Louis feels like his heart is going to burst right through his chest. 

 

“Why?”

 

“I never trusted anyone else to keep me safe.”

 

And that’s it. He’s dead.

 

Harry is looking at him with pleading eyes and Louis gives him what he wants. He pulls out and thrusts back in. His hips piston in and out of Harry as fast as he can manage, his thighs are trembling and his toes digging into the bed as he finally finds Harry’s spot and pounds into it over and over.

 

“Loouuueeehh…”

 

“That’s right, baby. You’re mine now.”

 

Harry arches off the bed and crashes into him as he keeps hitting that spot.

 

“Yours, Lou.”

 

“I’ll take care of you, always.”

 

Harry’s breath gets caught in his throat as he comes between them and falls against the bed. Louis is so close, so close and then he feels Harry’s lips against his ear,

 

“I’m yours, Lou. Always.”

 

And he comes inside Harry as his vision goes white for a moment and his head feels funny. But he comes back to himself and pulls out of Harry. They’re both sweaty and the room reeks of sex but he’s not done yet.

 

Harry makes a confused little noise when Louis kisses him but gets out of his arms to lean down between his legs. It turns into a startled yelp when he feels Louis’ tongue on his sensitive hole. He tries to push Louis away but the tongue doesn’t stop and neither do Louis’ wandering hands as they pinch Harry’s extra nipples. So, they’re as sensitive as the main ones. Okay good to know, Louis thinks.

 

“Louis, I can’t--please, I can’t.”

 

“I think you can, Harold.”

 

Harry is squirming under his hands, his legs are trembling as they wrap around Louis’ head and his angry red cock is throbbing on his stomach again. Louis keeps twisting his tongue in and out of Harry even as Harry is pretty much screaming now.

 

“Come on, Hazza. Know you can do it, come for me.”

 

Harry is sobbing now, tears welling up in his eyes as he grips the sheets with one hand and Louis’ hair with the other. God, he’s so oversensitive but Louis’ tongue feels so good and he just needs to come. And then, just one touch from Louis on his cock and he’s screaming his name while coming a second time.

 

“See? Knew you could do it.”

 

Louis wipes his lips with the back of his hand and lies down next to Harry who is still trying to catch his breath. Louis cleans them both up with a flannel from the bathroom before leaning down over him and caressing his face gently.

 

“You okay, Haz?”

 

He can only nod his head, everything else is too heavy to move. Louis leans down and kisses his forehead and his eyes slip closed at the gentleness of the touch.

 

“I’ll take care of you, Hazza. Always.”

 

***

 

Harry is snoring lightly on the bed while Louis sits at his desk, looking through the things he left behind in this room. He’s found the prospectus he bought for London University for Harry, in the desk drawer right where he had left it. 

 

“What’s that?”

 

He gets startled by the rough voice and looks up to find Harry staring at him.

 

“It’s uh--it’s the prospectus I bought for you, London University.”

 

Harry stops buttoning his shirt and just looks at him with wide eyes.

 

“You..”

 

“I didn’t give it to you that weekend cuz I didn’t want to push you.”

 

“I thought you didn’t want me there.”

 

He jumps up from the chair and pulls Harry towards himself, still undressed with his shirt hanging off his shoulders.

 

“Of course, I did. I just wanted you to make a decision on your own. But now I realise that I was a fucking idiot for not even asking you what you wanted.”

 

They dress up silently after that, having agreed that yes Louis was indeed a fucking idiot. On the way there, Harry slows down a bit and Louis knows another serious conversation is coming.

 

"Where did that come from? That..."

 

"I honestly don't know."

 

"I mean, that thing about the people I've been with. You said you didn't--"

 

"I'm sorry about that, caught me by surprise too."

 

"Hey, I get it - sort of. I mean I was pretty pissed too when I thought you were with Zayn. But you know that I've only ever loved you, and I can't change what's already happened, right?"

 

"I don't want you to. It's in the past, I'm sorry I brought it up."

 

"That's okay, I mean you--god, Lou where did that come from? I thought you'd never been with anyone?"

 

"Well, I'm not some innocent fifteen year old if that's what you're asking."

 

"But how?"

 

"I suggest you start walking, Harold. Or you'll be breathlessly apologising to me again."

 

Whatever response he thought Harry would have to those words, he doesn't. Instead of walking, Harry stays where he is and smirks at him with that sinful dimple winking at him.

 

"Oh for fuck's sake, what have I done?"

 

Harry just grins and starts running toward his house with Louis chasing after him with threats of physical pain spouting from his mouth. There is a lot of cursing and laughing involved in the short trek.

 

When they get back to Harry’s, everyone is slumped around the living room and a loud whoop sounds when they enter.

 

“Oh thank god, I was afraid we might starve tonight.”

 

Apparently, they were all waiting for them to return to eat dinner and Niall seems very upset by the prospect of someone standing between him and food. Harry apologizes but Niall waves it off with his hand in a hurry to get seated at the dinner table.

 

Liam however groans and whispers while he’s walking past them,

 

“I’m going to need bleach to forget some of the things I heard when I was sent to fetch you both.”

 

Harry flushes a deep red while Louis lets out a snort as Liam walks calmly to his seat next to Gemma. No one else seems to have caught on to the conversation as they both sit down next to each other and get chicken and potatoes passed to them.

 

Louis catches a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye and sees Zayn’s hand slip under the table and as if on cue Niall’s face turns the deepest shade of Chanel’s blood red lipstick. 

 

“Fucking finally!”

 

“Finally!”

 

“Oh thank God!”

 

Three distinct voices yell at the same time, as Zayn and Niall both spring apart and everyone else stares at Louis, Harry and Liam with shocked faces. They all laugh it off as nothing but the way Niall and Zayn are blushing and almost becoming one with the cranberry sauce next to Niall’s plate, all five of them know what’s happening. 

 

Liam gives Louis a thumbs up and Niall turns even redder and just then Anne stands up worried, asking Niall if he’s having a heart attack. 

 

Harry and Louis laugh and fall all over each other trying to control their laughter while Liam is busy blushing as Gemma next to him seems to have caught on and is looking at Liam with a smirk on her face.

 

Dinner ends with Niall and Zayn suspiciously missing from the table, Liam and Gemma deep in discussion about Batman while Anne and Robin get the dessert out of the fridge.

 

Niall comes running back when Liam yells ‘Cheesecake!’. Zayn follows him sheepishly and glares at all three of them.

 

***

 

Everyone is still seated at the table chatting excitedly while Louis looks at them from where he’s leaning against the kitchen door with a small smile playing on his lips. He feels Harry come up behind him and bring his arms around him, settling his head on Louis’ shoulder as he stands there for a moment looking at their families too.

 

Then he leans down to whisper in his ear,

 

“Play me a song, Lou?”

 

Louis turns around to find a piano sitting in the corner of the drawing room and Harry looking down at him with warm eyes and there’s only one answer really.

 

“Anything for you, love.”

 

Harry settles down on the floor next to the stool and looks up at Louis the same way he had years ago. He leans up on his arms and plants a kiss on Louis’ lips before sitting back down.

 

‘If I don't say this now I will surely break  
As I'm leaving the one I want to take  
Forget the urgency but hurry up and wait  
My heart has started to separate

 

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go  
Will you, won't you be the one I'll always know?  
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around  
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

 

It's always have and never hold  
You've begun to feel like home  
What's mine is yours to leave or take  
What's mine is yours to make your own

 

Be my baby  
I'll look after you  
After you.’

 

Harry is staring up at him just like he had all those years ago in that cottage while their families were busy in their own lives. And for the first time in four years Louis doesn't feel like his past and present are two separate lives that could never meet. 

 

If he forgets to sing the last verse it's because he's too lost in the boy in front of him and the real smile on his face, unlike all those billboards.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was it alright? Meet your expectations?


End file.
